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A DIARY 

OF SOME } ** 

RELIGIOUS EXERCISES, 

AND 

EXPERIENCE 



SAMUEL SCOTT, 

LATE OF HARTFORD, DECEASED. | 

Go set a Watchman, let him declare what he seeth. 

Isaiah xxi. 6. 
Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing 

belost - John vi. 12. 

And what thou see'st write in a Book. 

Revelations i. ll a 



PHILADELPHIA: 
PUBLISHED BY KIMBER 8c CONRAD, 

NO. 93, MARKET STREET. 

William Brown, Printer, Church-alley, 
1811." 




1! 
1 



■£~ Jr 7> 



INTRODUCTION JJ 

The Testimony of Hartford Monthly Meeting, 
CONCERNING OUR DECEASED FRIEND, 

SAMUEL SCOTT. 

THIS our beloved friend was born in Gracechurch 
street, London, on the 21st of the third month, 1719 ; 
and, as appears by an account left in writing by him- 
self, ' was, in the seventeenth year of his age, remark- 
ably favoured with a divine visitation ; by which his 
understanding was enlightened, and the great beauty, 
heavenly order and economy of a truly religious life, 
at seasons even ravished his soul :' and having walk- 
ed in conformity thereto till about the thirty-fourth 
year of his age, he then came forth in the work of the 
ministry, in which his gift was truly edifying and con- 
vincing ; tending much to awaken the attention of the 
careless and formal professor to the weighty con- 
cerns of truth and righteousness. 

He was a man fearing God and hating covetous- 
ness, deep in divine things, of a humble mind and 
benevolent disposition, extensive in Christian charity, 
and unfeigned love to the brethren ; very useful in 
the discipline of the church among us, for which he 
was well qualified ; yet very diffident of himself, ready 
to forgive, and seek forgiveness even of the meanest, 



IV 



During the latter part of his life, we were frequent- 
ly deprived of his company at our meetings, especi- 
ally those for discipline, by reason of the prevalence 
of a disorder which had attended him for several 
years ; notwithstanding which he was often in deep 
travail of soul for the restoration of inward rectitude, 
not only among us, but mankind in general ; as also for 
himself, that he might find a place of rest and peace. 

A few days before his decease, being in a tender * 
frame of mind, lie expressed himself to a friend that 
visited him, in these words, — < I have done with all 
things but one, and that is, working out my soul's sal- 
vation with fear and trembling, through Him that work- 
eth in me, both to will and to do of his own good plea- 
sure.' 

His removal was rather sudden ; which, consider- 
ing his anxious concern respecting that awful eventj 
was, we believe, to him a favour : and we doubt not 
he is entered into that rest which his soul so ardently 
longed for. 

He departed this life on the 20th day of the eleventh 
month, 1783, and was interred the 30th of the same in 
Friends burial ground at Hartford, after a very large 
and solemn meeting, being attended by great num- 
bers of Friends, and also of his neighbours, by whom 
he was much beloved. Aged near seventy years ; a 
minister about thirty-six years. 



Signed in our Monthly meeting held at Hartford, 
the 2d of the third month, 1789. 



Jonathan Bell 
James Brown 
James Lucas 
Special West 
Stephen Hagger 
John Pryor 
John Miller 
James Blindell 
Joseph Pollard 
Stephen Hagger, jr, 

Ann Nott 

Mary Pryor 

Sarah Rudd 

Elizabeth Lucas 

Hannah West 

Ann Miller 
Susan Morpot 
Elizabeth Manser 
Catharine Bott 
Elizabeth Hagger 
Mary Jackson 
Mary Brightwen 
Elizabeth Squire 
Sarah Pryor 



Thomas Hagger 
George Blindell 
Nathaniel Bray 
William Stoten 
John Allis 
John Brown, junr. 
James Rokes 
James Brown, junr. 
John Hagger 

Mary Lucas 
Mary Brown 
Elizabeth Lucas, jr> 
Mary Brown 
Susannah Nutting 
Susannah Lucas 
Hannah Cook 
Eleanor B. Stephens 
Elizabeth Hobbs 
Ruth Blindell 
Sarah Pryor 
Ann Pryor 
Elizabeth Barton 
Mary Sterry 



Read and approved in our Quarterly meeting held 

the 23d of third month, 1789, at Hartford, and signed 

in and on behalf thereof, by 

Wm. LUCAS, Clerk, 
A2 



VI 

Such is the testimony to the character of the Au- 
thor of the following Diary by many of his friends 
and neighbours, who appeared best qualified to deline- 
ate the same. 

Those who read the Diary will probably observe 
the difference, which apparently exists between the 
foregoing account, and the description he has given 
of himself. His friends were Chiefly guided in their 
judgment by his general conduct and actions ; but his 
spiritual eyes being opened to a more extensive view 
of his real situation, his judgment of himself appears 
to have been formed by a comparison thereof, with 
that state of purity unto which* all are called, and 
where all is beautiful, and not a spot or wrinkle can be 
discerned. It w r as for this state that his spirit panted, 
and short of which his soul refused to take lasting 
rest ; for he saw the " one thing needful," and in de- 
gree tasted of that peace which prevails in Sion, the 
city of the saint's solemnity. 

For the attainment thereof, for obtaining the un- 
searchable riches which are found in Christ, and large- 
ly possessed when he becomes in man his only hope 
of glory, his solicitude appears to have been nearly 
unremitted ; as not small was his anxiety, when the 
beloved of souls withdrew his animating influence ; 
fearing that it was mot for the trial of his faith, that 
seasons of poverty and abstinence were allotted to him, 
and deep baptisms and conflicts his frequent portion; 
but that it proceeded from just displeasure, and that 
the Lord had therefore ceased to be gracious : where- 



vu 



by his soul was cast down and disquiete d, without 
ability to adopt the encouraging language, u Hope 
thou in God, for I shall yet praise him, who is the 
health of my countenance, and my God."* Thus de- 
solate and disconsolate, he expressed himself in the 
pathetic language of the prophet Jeremiah : " Is it 
nothing to you, all ye that pass by ? behold and see, if 
there be any sorrow like unto my sorrow."t But 
this is a path not unfrequentfo' by the regenerate ; 
who, having attained to the state of young men, are 
fed with strong meat ; when, for weaning their affec- 
tions from ail sublunary objects, from everything that 
has not endurance, but perishes with the using, and 
for enabling them to receive and retain, without mix- 
ture, the perfectly refined wine of the kingdom, the 
bridegroom withdraws his presence, the sensible suc- 
cour of the spirit is not felt, and the earth with her 
bars is closed upon them. Thus is poor frail man ap- 
parently left in his weakness, without a hand extend- 
ed which is competent to succour, or able to save ; 
that his dependance may be fully proved, and his faith 
rendered more pure than the fine gold of Ophir. But, 
though for a trying time unfelt and unseen, yet there 
is a hand, an Almighty hand, stretched out for the 
preservation of the children of the bridechamber, 
which preserves them in afflicting extremities, and 
manifests itself when necessary for salvation, or re- 
ward. This is a path wherein the regenerate have 
trodden, and wherein our friend, Samuel Scott, had 
* See Psalm xlii. 11. f Lamentations i. 1. 



Vlll 

his faifh proved, purified and increased. But who are. 
even in this respect, so blind as the Lord's servants, 
as the children of the Most High ? Humbled to the 
dust under a sense of their own unworthiness, press- 
ed upon by an increased view of their frailty and en- 
tire inability for any good thought, word, or work, to- 
wards promoting their soul's salvation, they are more 
prone to view dispensations of this kind as marks of 
divine displeasure, than for the trial of their faith ; 
and therefore fear, lamentation and mourning, is their 
portion, until their hopes are revived by the sensible 
renewing of that grace, which gladdens the whole he- 
ritage of God. Then " the wilderness and solitary 
place shall be glad, and the desert rejoice and blossom 
as the rose. It shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice 
even with joy and singing."* • 

The natural abilities of Samuel Scott were above 
the common rank, and he was versed in literature. 
Yet these he counted but as dung, that he might win 
Christ, have a fellowship with his sufferings, be made 
conformable to his death, and experience the power of 
his resurrection. 

The vast variety of dispositions which are found 
amongst mankind are, by some authors, supposed to 
be formed by the mixture and predominancy of one 
•r other of the different temperaments, which the 
•perations of grace do not destroy, but purify and di- 
rect : so that the lively in a state of nature will be 
found lively in a state of grace ; and the zealous in na- 
* Isaiah xxxv. 1. 2. 



IX 



ture will be found zealous in grace ; but lively in a 
different pursuit, and zealous "for the attainment of a 
a different object. When the heavenly principle is 
in dominion, this variety, which in fallen nature tends 
to disorder, is reduced into harmony, and forms a body, 
or whole, inexpressibly beautiful. How wonderful 
are the ways of Providence ! How gracious his de- 
sign ! But when any of these temperaments pre- 
dominate, unseasoned by grace, they cast a shade 
upon, or place in an unjust view, the ways of Divine 
Wisdom ; the paths of pleasantness and peace. 

The melancholic temperament appears occasion- 
ally to have prevailed in the author of the following 
Diary ; which, when seasoned and regulated by grace* 
has been deemed the most favourable to a religious 
life, being in its nature fixt, retentive, and circum- 
spect, prone to search, and anxious to ascertain, yet 
cautious in receiving important truths, but, when re» 
ceived, tenacious in retaining them ; but which, in 
some instances, it is to be feared, produced in S. S. 
sadness, where joy might well have prevailed. Hut 
it is encouraging and instructive to observe, how T , 
through all. the conflicts and baptisms to which such 
a disposition appears more peculiarly liable, there 
lived that, which many waters could not quench, or 
the grave retain ; and this at times in Samuel Scott 
beautifully broke through the dark clouds, and shew- 
ed that all beyond was harmony and light ; of which 
there is no doubt his afflicted anxious soul at length 
gained permanent possession, when the work was fi° 



nished, and the tempestuous waves for ever ceased t© 
rage. " O thou afflicted, tossed with tempests, and 
not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair 
colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires, and 
I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates 
of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones."* 
Here, reader, pause, and wisely consider, that al- 
though " many are the afflictions of the righteous, the 
Lord delivereth out of them all." For " the Lord re- 
deemeth the soul of his servants.*'! By repeated 
trials and afflictions permitted' or dispensed, they are 
induced to look at, and duly appreciate, the things 
that can only be discerned by the spiritual eye of the 
regenerate, the things that are eternal ; and are also 
prepared to receive, and retain, the unsullied joys of 
Jieaven. As affliction and trials, well endured, pro- 
duce the peaceable fruits of righteousness, with quiet- 
ness and assurance for ever, although grievous when 
they prevail ; how will they be estimated when the 
work is finished ? when faith is lost in fruition, and 
uninterrupted rewards are possessed. Can they be 
viewed otherwise than with awfulness and gratitude, 
as well expressed by a deeply-tried and experienced 
servant of the Most High, when on the eve of ceas- 
ing from his labours, and of receiving permanently 
glorious rewards : c Many and painful have been the 
probationary exercises of this life to me. Ah ! were 
there probability of strength, how I could enlarge, for 
my heart seems melted within me in retrospective 
view ; but all the former conflicts, however grievous 
• Isaiah liv. 11. 12. f Psalm xxxiw 19. and 22* 



XI 

in their time, are lighter now than vanity, except as 
they are clearly seen to have contributed largely to 
the sanctifi cation of the soul ; as they are remember- 
ed with awfulness and gratitude before Him, who has 
not been wanting to preserve through them all; and 
as they seem likely to introduce, either very shortly, 
or before a very long time, to an exceeding and eter- 
nal weight of glory.'* When afflictions are thus 
viewed; when, as to duration, they are compared 
with the permanence of those joys which they may be 
said to produce ; and as to severity, with that exceed- 
ing weight of glory which they ensure ; great will be 
the encouragement to seek for patience during their 
continuance, and not small the desire, that the design, 
in their prevalence, may be fulfilled. 

Considerations of this kind are well adapted to a" 
fftate of probation, of infancy, and twilight ; where see* 
ing only as through a glass, darkly, we know but in 
part ; and truly profitable, as they tend to prepare for 
an entrance into those realms, where they see face to 
face, and know, even as they are known; where that 
which is in part shall be done away, by that which is 

perfect being come.t- 

R. P. 

• See Piety Promoted, Job Scttt. f I Cor. siii. l£ 



DIARY, &c. 



APPREHENDING that the keeping a Diary 
might have in sundry respects been useful, and con* 
tributed to an increase in the spiritual life, essays 
have at various times been attempted ; the last in the 
summer, 1776, on being relieved from a disorder 
■which J esteemed dangerous : but after a short con- 
tinuation, " The bough was lopped with terror,'* 



On the first day of the Sixth Month, in the year 
1780, and in the 6 2d of my age, I renew the record- 
ing of some circumstances which have occurred, and 
which may yet occur. The number of my days, or, 
perhaps, only hours, remaining, being certainly few 
and evil, the present attempt seems unseasonable. 
Nevertheless, if it please the Lord to look upon it 
with approbation, " New wine may be found in the 
cluster," and the Watcher and the Holy One may say, 

u Destroy it not, for a blessing is in it," 

B 



Fffth Month, 1780. 

14. I went up to the yearly meeting at London, 
and attended divers of the meetings both for worship 
and dicipline ; the former were in the general large 
and solemn ; much peace presided in the latter ; 
brotherly exhortations were in love imparted, and 
a concern expressed for the manifold deviations 
from our ancient Christian testimonies, respecting 
" speech, behaviour, and apparel." Babylon is with- 
in ; but from her very outlines were our ancestors 
called forth, and these testimonies were committed to 
them and their children, as increasing testimonies, 
until they have filled the earth ; the customs of the 
people are vain j hat honour is the most unmeaning 
ceremony, the merest phantom that ever pride and 
folly obtruded on their deluded votaries. 

20. I returned from London to Hartford, impress- 
ed with some sense of the preservations of the pre- 
ceding week ; sought a tribute of praise to the Pre- 
server of men ; but, as on the mountains of Gijboa, 
" there was no rain, nor dew, nor fields of offering." 

21. I went to the forenoon meeting at Hartford 
in distress of mind ; very unexpectedly some qualifi- 
cations for a public ministry seemed to attend ; the 
words presented were, " Work while it is day, for 
the night cometh, in which no man can work ;" an ex- 
planation of the nature of the work was attempted, ac- 
cordingly as it is written, « This is the work of God, 



that ye believe in him whom God hath sent ; M a de- 
gree of solemnity prevailed. 

23 and 24. The quarterly and yearly meetings at 
Hartford were not large, but measurably favoured. 

25 and 26. In my solitary retreats this inquiry oc- 
curred,* When shall the fir-tree appear instead of 
the thorn, and the myrtle instead of the briar, that it 
may be fjb the Lord for a name, and for an everlasting 
sign that shall not be cut off." 

27. I cautioned a neighbour against addressing 
me with a flattering title ; the caution was received 
in a friendly manner, and the propriety of the remark 
allowed. 

28. Mary Ridgeway and Jane Watson from Ire- 
land came to our house, and were at our meeting 
on first-day ; the meetings were large, and their ser- 
vice in them was lively and acceptable. I sat with 
them in the gallery, but although somewhat elevated 
in respect to local situation, deeply depressed in 
spirit ; esteeming myself not only unfit for the minis- 
try, but even to be an attendant upon, or entertainer 
of, the Lord's servants. 

Sixth Month, 1780. 

3. It is written, " The voice of rejoicing and sal- 
vation is in the habitation of the righteous ;" but for 
many days past my soul frath been far from peace : 
the roll written within and without, with mournings 



lamentation and woe, hath seemed to be the sole fur- 
niture of my solitary habitation. 

4. In the forenoon meeting at Hartford, I sat un- 
der a deep and almost agonizing s^nse of my past ini- 
quities, and frequent deviations from the paths of 
peace ; not a penitential tear produced : but where- 
fore dost thou complain, O my soul ! for the punish- 
ment of thy sins ? The immaculate Lamb, \yho knew 
no sin, suffered much more abundantly ; " thou art 
justly in this condemnation/' " but he had done no- 
thing amiss." 

6. With much reluctance, and under great dis- 
tress, I accompanied Samuel Spavold and John Miller 
in visiting five families at and near Hoddesdon ; the 
gospel was preached ; in one of them particularly so. 
Some cause of thankfulness for the preservation and 
attendance of the day. 

7. I was particularly condemned for cosnversing 
unnecessarily respecting politics and religion. Peace 
is thy profession. Labour to live peaceably with all 
men. 

8. I went to Ware with Samuel Spavold, and visit- 
ted five families ; I had in one of them a remarkable 
opening respecting my own state, on -these words, 
" It is only the Lion of the tribe of Judah," that can 
cause the " lion and the lamb to lie down together ;f 

my lips were sealed in silence. 

9. This day was passed in serenity and compo- 
sure ; a miracle of grace. 

10. Much mischief hath been done this week in 
•And about the metropolis, on account of the protes- 



tant petition having been presented, but not immedi- 
ately considered. O ! the infatuation, that the pre- 
fessors of religion, whose characteristic is peace and 
love, should by any means become the instigators of 
bloodshed and devastation ; or that they should at 
any time begrudge others the immunities which they 
themselves wish to enjoy ! " Tell it not in Gath, pub- 
lish it not in the streets of Ashkelon," lest the infidels- 
triumph. 

12. I am convinced from a daily heartfelt sensa- 
tion, stronger than ten thousand arguments, that un- 
til we cease to do evil, we cannot learn to do well. 
No acceptable worship can be either internally or ex- 
ternally offered to the God of truth, while we are act- 
ing contrary to the dictates of truth in our own con- 
sciences. " There is no peace to the wicked/ 5 " If 
we regard iniquity in our hearts, the Lord will not 
hear us." " Let him who nameth the name of Christ 
depart from iniquity." These testimonies were for- 
merly borne by free -grace men, who lived by grace ; 
and they will for ever baffle the efforts of antinomia- 
nism. The only ability to cease to do evil is in a di- 
vine and supernatural principle,— the grace and truth 
which comes by Jesus Christ ; or, in other words, in 
the Comforter, the agent and representative of the 
holy head, by which he is present with his people 
always, to the end of the world ; " Christ in them the 
hope of glory." Some days have been spent under a 
sense of his presence, who said to his servant former- 
ly, " Walk before me 5 and be thou perfect j" be all the 
- B 2 



6 

glory ascribed to him through Christ Jesus, our only 
Mediator. Amen 

18. The effusions of anger and evil-speaking have 
been of late rather suspended, but the hostility with- 
in has been at times too sensibly felt. O may not only 
the branches be lopped, but the root eradicated ! 
When the creation was formed in primaeval rectitude* 
the Divine Originator beheld it was good ; but how is 
the gold become dim since the defection of the first 
Adam ; " how hath the whole creation groaned, and 
travailed in pain, even until now ;" and they who have 
received the first fruits of the Spirit groaned within 
themselves, for redemption from the bondage of cor- 
ruption. 

23. "By nature I was in almost all evil.*' The 
seeds of corruption, which were sown in human na- 
ture by the fall of our first parent, produced many ex- 
uberant and bulky plants ; some of which were mea- 
surably removed in the day of an early and awakening 
visitation ; others have since seemed to perish, and 
their roots to die in the ground, viz. infidelity, injust* 
ice, and the love of money ; those which have been 
the most deeply rooted, and most prevalent of later 
years, are peevishness and impetuosity. May the 
command go forth from " the Watcher, and Holy 
One, Hew down the tree, and cut off the branches, 
shake off the leaves, and scatter the fruit." 

25. The forenoon meeting at Hartford was rather 
lively ; a short testimony was borne to the Lord Je.-\ 
sus Christ, " the faithful and true witness." M. P. \ 



concluded the meeting very acceptably in supplica- 
tion. 



Seventh Month, 1780* 

• 

1. Bodily pain hath of late attended. The suf- 
ferings which are sustained in this respect, being un- 
felt by others, are much unnoticed and uncommiserat- 
ed by them ; but they are known to Him, who is 
touched with a feeling of the infirmities both of the 
saints, and of the most vile and abject of his crea- 
tures, who are alike the works of his hand : " for 
all things were created by him and for him/' O ! 
may my afflictions in the flesh be sanctified by Him 
" who stiffered without the gate," whose head was 
crowned with thorns, whose hands and feet were 
pierced. 

3. At the monthly meeting, some difficulty attend- 
ed respecting the acceptance of a paper produced ; 
my lips were sealed in silence ; passiveness appear- 
ed my proper province. Afterwards a caution was 
imparted against holding the faith of Christ with 
respect of persons, and against a spirit of emulation 
and personal dislike, as equally inconsistent with our 
Christian dicipline. 

4. I read Henry Brooks on Redemption, an ad- 
mirable poem. 

9. The meeting at Hunsdon was large. " God 
was in Christ reconciling the world to himself." The 



8 

gracious interposition of the Deity, intended by the 
apostle in the preceding expression, seemed measu- 
rably attendant in a state of silence ; and under the 
ministry of M. P. afterwards, there was a dry wind 
from the wilderness. 

15. Divers vexatious incidents were attendant, 
and I was wanting in patience and resignation ; capi- 
tal virtues, which calm the storms of life. I was too 
fretful on slight and immaterial events. 

16. After a long waiting in deep poverty in the 
forenoon meeting at Hartford, a degree of travail was 
begot both on behalf of myself and those present : 
a short testimony was also borne to "that universal 
redemption which is in Jesus Christ, and the necessi- 
ty of an inward application thereof, in ourselves, and 
for ourselves. 

20. I went U> London. At times I was favoured 
to look towards the God of patience and consolation, 
but the want of due resignation barred the influences 
which proceed from him ; " for what doth let will let, 
until it be taken out of the way." During this dis- 
pensation 1 considered the propriety of the apostolic 
injunction, " Remember them who are in bonds, as 
bound with them, and them who suffer adversity, as 
being also in the body ;" " bear ye one another's 
burthens; and so fulfil the law of Christ." A practi- 
cal adherence to these precepts 5 next to the grace 
which is sufficient. and soul-saving, would be as the 
balm of human life ; it would alleviate the diversified 
cup that is handed forth to mortals ; but how deficient 
am I herein ; how deficient also are others* 



30. Pretty early at the Park meeting, a degree of 
solemnity clothed my mind, not without some pre- 
sentations for a public ministry, which, on proving, 
appeared immature. How suitably adapted are the 
following precepts, not only to me, but to all who at 
any time*appear in the ministry. " Be more ready to 
hear, than to offer the sacrifice of fools." " Be not 
rash with thy mouth to utter any thing before God." 
And when thou speakest, " let thy words be few." 
" Be slow to speak." All true and profitable minis* 
try arises from the ability which the spirit gives in a 
rightly exercised understanding ; as it is written, " I 
will pray with the spirit, and with the understanding 
also." Nonsense proceeds not from the ability which 
the spirit giveth. But what is nonsense ? Here it may 
be difficult to draw a line. " For the preaching of the 
cross is, to them that perish, foolishness ;" and " the 
foolishness of God is wiser than man." 



Eighth Month, 1780. 

1. In the week-day meeting at Horslydown, some- 
thing opened by way of ministry ; but waiting under 
the opening-, silence seemed most advisable ^ and af- 
ter long sitting, the meeting closed lively. I had ra- 
ther refrain from speaking, when perhaps I might 
have spoken with a degree of profit, than at any time 
to speak unprofitably. There are, comparatively 
speaking, but few ministers left amongst us ; yet fre- 



10 



quently many words are uttered. The following sen* 
timent, contained in the Apology of that skilful mi- 
nister of Christ, Robert Barclay, is therefore, I think, 
worthy of the observation of all concerned. " Yea* 
we doubt not, but assuredly know, that a meeting may 
be good and refreshing, though from the sitting down 
thereof to the rising up a word may not be outwardly 
spoken ; though the life may have been so known, as 
that words might have been acceptably spoken, and 
that from the life." Barclay's Apology, 6th edition, 
p. 360. The above is not referred to as an insinua- 
tion that the ministers now among us are of a dis- 
similar disposition from Barclay, and the brethren of 
that day, but rather as a caution to myself and others, 
than as a censure upon any. We are voyagers in a 
tempestuous ocean, stationed on a sea of glass, sur- 
rounded on every side with rocks and sands ; — may not 
therefore a little one, who needeth himself to be more 
perfectly instructed in the way and work of the Lord, 
recall the attention of the brotherhood to such beacons 
as have been held forth by such, " who, through 
faith and patience, inherit the promises." There is 
a spiritual worship and introversion of spirit, which 
excels outward ministration. In it, honey is impart- 
ed from the Rock — Christ. 

6. The general meeting at Cross Brook-street 
was large, composed, and chiefly held in silence. 
« It is thy word; O Lord, which healeth." « The 
word which was in the beginning with God, and was 



11 



God;" the same which in the fulness of time was 
made flesh, and dwelt amongst men ; and they be- 
held His glory, as the glory of the only begotten 
of the Father, full of grace and truth ; " of whose 
fulness we have all received, and grace for grace. 5 * 
" I waited patiently for the Lord," said one formerly, 
M and he heard my cry." In this patient waiting is 
experienced the ministry of the spirit, and the glory 
of Christ. 

20. After long sitting, and some solemnity in 
silence at our forenoon meeting, I stood up simply 
with an opening on these words, " The kingdom of 
God stands not in words, but in power." Some more 
expressions were uttered in a testimony to that king- 
dom, worship and work, which consists in the mani- 
festation of a divine and supernatural power. I 
sat down with a degree of freshness ; but speaking 
a second time, I seemed to flatten both myself and 
others. 

22. Some good desires were attendant ; good de- 
sires will not carry a man to heaven, but they proceed 
from heaven, and tend heaven-wards, as it is written, 
" It is God that worketh in you to will." 

27. I attended Mims general meeting ; divers 
friends ministered to a mixed auditory. I was 
much shut up, as I usually am on such occasions ; 
and may I never attempt to open by any efforts o£ 
my own. 



12 



Ninth Month, 1780. 

1 . The parliament being dissolved, a general elec- 
tion is coming on ; the devil cometh forth, and hell 
from beneath ; the heart of man will be moved for 
him, to meet him at his coming. The present period 
is important and interesting beyond many others ; 
but if it pleaseth infinite Wisdom to punish a peo- 
ple for their iniquities, it mattereth not whether it is 
done by one man or by many : but it becometh not 
the members of our society to meddle much in those 
matters, or to be active in political disquisitions. 
Our duty and felicity consists in peaceably acquies- 
cing in the all-wise determinations of Him, who ruleth 
in the kingdoms of men. In respect to elections, we 
ought to go no farther than voting.for the candidates 
we best approve, and declaring our preference of them, 
without endeavouring by any other means to influence 
others. " Israel is to dwell alone, and not to be mix- 
ed with the people." 

6. An excellent letter dispersed, concerning the 
sin of perjury. 

7. This day I voted for members to represent the 
borough of Hartford, in the ensuing Parliament. 
To the best of my knowledge, I maintained " a con- 
science void of offence," in the course of the contested 
election ; only,- by attending at the polling place the 
second day of the poll, for about two hours, contrary 
to the dictates of truth in my own mind, I became 



13 



wounded : my religious exercise was obstructed, and 
death and darkness was the covering of my spirit for 
many days. Thus it pleaseth infinite Wisdom to vi- 
sit for our unfaithfulness ; sometimes even in, what 
may be esteemed by others, little things. 

24. The forenoon meeting was large. This day- 
sharp doctrine was delivered, aftd seemed in the ge- 
neral to be pretty well received ; the compassions 
which are in Christ Jesus being measurably pre- 
ralent. 

29. Recollection in weakness was t^is day ex- 
perienced. 

30. A member of our society having suffered his 
premises to be illuminated, I was induced to review 
the testimony of our ancient friends against illumina- 
tions, — a testimony I have ever approved and main- 
tained with unremitting perseverance. At one sea- 
son the fleshly part would have gladly joined in re* 
joicing after the flesh. From my being first convin- 
ced of sin, righteousness and judgment, I have been 
shy of receiving either doctrinal or practical truths 
upon trust, or only because others have received or 
believed them ; my concern having rather been to try 
them by the law and the testimony — ." the law of God 
after the inward man," and the precious testimonies 
of holy writ. If all who profess the truth, as held forth 
by us who are called Quakers, were built upon the 
rock of divine and internal revelation, the rapid in- 
roads ot libertinism would be repelled, and deism ex* 
tirpated. But the law written on the fleshly tables 



14 



of the heart, the Scriptures of truth, and the advices 
of our brethren contained in their yearly meeting 
minutes, would, as a threefold cord, unite, and net 
rasily be broken. 



Tenth Month, 1780. 

$. At the forenoon meeting, truth measurably pre* 
vailed in silence. I have often been fearful lest, in 
our society, human reason, and the works of a mere 
moral and creaturely righteousness, should be sub- 
stituted in the place of the law of faith and the new- 
creation work ; for according to the testimony of our 
truly learned and deeply experienced friend, Isaac 
Penington, " God is all in redemption; God doth all, 
as fully therein as in creation ; it is a new creation ; 
yet the creature quickened and renewed is in unity 
with him in its operations." Penington's Works, vol. 
i. p. 526. All boasting of supposed rectitude and self- 
ability is excluded by the law of faith ; if the most 
perfect compliance with its requisitions was attained, 
the reward would be not of debt, but of grace only ; 
but every deviation from the line of duty merits 
death, and that condemnation which is most justly and 
rightfully the sinner's portion ; as it is written, " The 
wages of sin is death." 

16. As I walked in the fields, the following senten- 
ces concerning the incomprehensibility of the Su- 
preme Being were suddenly impressed. " Touch- 



15 

ing the Almighty we cannot find him out." " He 
comprehends all things, but is comprehended by no 
man." " His ways are not as our ways, neither are 
his thoughts as our thoughts." " There is no search- 
ing of his understanding ; he giveth power to the 
faint, and to them who have no might he increaseth 
strength." What is to be feelingly and savingly 
known of him, is manifest in man, by the revelation of 
his Son Christ Jesus ; as it is written, " He was the 
true light which lighteth every man that cometh into 
the world." And again, " For God, who commanded 
light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our 
hearts, to give us the light of the knowledge of God 
in the face of Jesus Christ \ but we have this trea- 
sure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the pow- 
er may be of God, and not of us," 

22. Standing up pretty early in a meeting, I was 
soon doubtful of the rightness of my concern ; 
or, at least, I was apprehensive of having stood up 
too soon. 

28. 1 was much solicited to engage in a confer- 
ence, between two friends, respecting misconduct 
during the town election, but found no freedom to 
intermeddle with strife, my principal business at 
present being in the vineyard of my own heart. " My 
time is not yet come," said the Saviour to his imme- 
diate followers. The Lord's remark might not only 
relate to the matter then proposed, but might also be 
intended as a watch-word to his followers, throughout 
all generations. Many of our society have suffered 



16 



loss by hastily -engaging in supposed services, both 
in the ministry and dicipline, at the instigation of 
others, without duly waiting to feel their own way. 

29. I went to the forenoon meeting at Hartford, 
in lowness of mind and pain of body ; after some time 
of waiting, the nature of that charity, so emphatically 
described by the Apostle, 1 Cor. chap. 13. fell very 
Unexpectedly on my mind, and a short testimony was 
delivered respecting it. S. R. and S. W. afterwards 
appeared in a line somewhat similar j it was mcff- 
^mrably a favoured season. V 



Eleventh Month> 1780. 

JL. A day of treading down in the valley of vi- 
sion ; " the heavens being as brass, and the earth as 
iron." 

2 and 3. There is no journeying for Israel while 
the cloud remains upon the tabernacle ; these have 
been days of clouds and thick darkness. 

4. This day I was favoured with some glances to- 
wards that city, where neither sorrows exist, nor 
pains annoy. 

9. I walked by the Grange to Shad Thames, with 
some desires after those comforts which are in love, 
and those consolations which are in Christ. May 
li the beloved of souls come into his garden, and eat 
his pleasant fruits." " The fruits of the spirit are 
love, joy, gentleness, meekness, temperance and 



17 

faith." They indeed are not profitable to God, nor 
meritorious in man ; but the most minute or incon- 
siderable movements, either in mind or body, even 
to the giving a cup of cold water, when performed 
by the leadings of divine life, are accepted ; and the 
creature receives an answer of well done, through 
him, " who gave himself to God for us, as an offering 
and a sacrifice, for a sweet-smelling savour." 

11. The simple and sublime are admirably blend- 
ed in the prayer of Manasses, king of Judah, when he 
was holden captive in Babylon. I read it with some 
application to my own state. 

18. Under pain of body and in distress of mind, I 
was favoured with some sense of those everlasting 
healings which are in the High Priest of our profes- 
sion. " The leaves of the tree of life are for the heal- 
ing of the nations.' 5 

22, I was visited by my friend Thomas Hartley, 
who was just setting out for East Mailing ; peradven- 
ture, we may never more meet in mutability ; a final 
adieu, in respect to time, may have this day been ta- 
ken. The Park evening meeting was a solid and 
satisfactory season ; some motions were presented 
for a public ministry, but this consideration crossing 
my mind — perhaps silence may be attended with a 
degree of firmness and propriety, but in speaking 
there may be folly and weakness — I readily receiv- 
ed the intimation, and my exercise was continued 
in silence, 

e s 



18 



Twelfth Month, 1780. 

I. In the monthly meeting, the quarterly meet* 
ing's queries were answered, and those present re- 
minded of " the bleating of the sheep and the lowing 
of the oxen." The low estate of our society was la- 
mented, and the manifold deviations which appear, in 
a conformity to the world, in speech, behaviour and 
apparel, and in respect to the antichristian yoke of 
tythes, were in much love and tenderness reprov- 
ed. 

20. The week-day meeting was held in silence : 
this expression occurred, " Their spot is not the spot 
of his children." Variance, wrath and strife are 
the spots of an enemy, and his children, on whom his 
diabolical features are impressed. May I, in the mul- 
titude of the Lord's mercies, be fully purged from 
them ! I afterwards received a letter from a minis- 
ter in our Society, expressing a fear of being a casta- 
way. " Thus deep calleth to deep." 

22. We possess many privileges ; a considerable 
•ne is the cloud of witnesses, who, however diversifi- 
ed in character and sentiment, have united in testify- 
ing, " that the Lord is good to them who wait upon 
.him, and to the soul that seeketh him." 

28. In the Park evening meeting, some inward 
exercise and labour of spirit was experienced ; in it 
consists the essence of prayer. " God is a spirit ;" 
Jle needs not the medium of words. " There is enly 



19 



one Mediator, who was manifest in the flesh, and of- 
fered himself a ransom for ail ;" but remains an ever- 
lasting High Priest in the sanctuary within. 



FmsT Month, 1781. 

I; Since the commencement of the former year, 
the messenger on the pale horse has arrested many, 
who, respecting age, were nearly my equals ; their 
lot is for ever fixed ; I still remain " in a land of 
pits and drought." a Without are fightings, within 
are fears.'* I may reasonably expect, from my age 
and various infirmities? that the days remaining will 
be few and evil. O ! may not the spirit of prayer 
depart from me, but that the travail of my soul may 
be increased, until death is swallowed up in victory. 
Amen. I attended the monthly meeting of ministers 
and elders at Gracechurch-street ; some exercise of 
spirit was maintained ; our worthy ancient friend, 
Isaac Sharpless, had an acceptable time in testi- 
mony. 

4. The meeting this day was chiefly held in si- 
lence ; I experienced some enlargement in silent 
prayer. 

5. I pressed through the crouds, internally, to 
^attend the week-day meeting at Gracechurch-street ; 

a lion was in the way : upon the whole it was a favour- 
ed season. 

8. I attended the quarterly meeting at Devon- 
shire-house, and seven meetings in the week preced- • 



so 



ing : a necessary inquiry occurs ; — what improve- 
ment hath been experienced in the peaceable fruits of 
righteousness ? 

14. I had an inclination this day to sit with my 
friends at Devonshire-house meeting, where some in- 
ward exercise was experienced, and openings were 
attendant in both meetings ; but it seemed my proper 
business, rather inwardly to adhere to the inward exer^ 
cise and the Great Opener, than to minister in those 
assemblies. Between the meetings, at J. R's, some 
time was spent in retirement, and I had unity with my 
friends in the exercise. The vision of the Holy One 
is not wholly suspended," nor the glory departed from 
Israel," but dispensed as a seed sown in weakness. We 
see at times darkly, as through a glass ; we know but 
in part, and prophecy but in part. 

23. During a time of retirement in a friend's fa- 
mily, a* watch-word was imparted, but nothing ex- 
pressed ; if the opening had been retained, it might 
have been the means of preserving me from some 
unnecessary discourse, which left me naked and 
wounded, and caused me to lie down in sorrow, 

24. This day I read some of J. W's early jour- 
nal's, being before acquainted with those of a later 
date. He appears from his early years a diligent 
seeker after truth, " not slothful in business, but fer- 
vent in spirit," serving the Lord according to the 
apprehensions of the present hour ; not one of those, 
of whom the Lord spea&s by the prophet Zephaniah 
i. 12. " I wiii punish the men that are settled upon 
their lees, that say in their hearts, the Lord will not 



21 



do good, neither will he do evil." His great activi* 
ty in thinking, and a hasty divulging of his present 
sentiments, hath undoubtedly led him into many in- 
consistencies and contradictions; not having sufficient- 
ly practised the thinking and speaking with delibera- 
tion, nor learned the spiritual import of these testi- 
monies ; "their strength is to sit still ;" u in resting 
and returning shall ye be saved ;" " in quietness your 
strength shall be." In each of his journals are many 
mistakes ; but some instructions in righteousness ; I 
cannot justify or condemn him altogether ; I believe 
lie means well ; if I err, it is on the charitable side of 
the question ; let them who think otherwise try their 
own spirits. This week I also perused the visions 
of John Engelbert, a Lutheran protestant, published 
by Frances Ohcley of Northampton, a seeker after 
spiritual and vital religion. A belief or rejection of 
some particulars contained in them may be most safe- 
ly suspended : however mistaken, he appears to have 
been one of great piety and devotion, a severe reprov* 
er of the formal priests and professors of that time ; 
by which means he became subject to great persecu-^ 
tions. He was also opened into various points of 
doctrine, since promulgated by George Fox and many 
brethren, viz. The necessity of the spirit's teach- 
ing, and the superior excellence thereof to the letter; 
the salvability of the heathen through Christ, and the 
internal operations of the Holy Ghost upon their 
spirits ; the insufficiency of water baptism, and an ex- 
ternal commemoration of the Lord's supper ; bear* 



Q2 



ihg a faithful testimony to the one saving baptism 
and spiritual communion of the body and blood of 
Christ. In the writings of the mystics of former 
times, there appears to me a great mass of abstruse 
and unintelligible matter, and likewise some glimmer- 
ings of divine truth, answerable to the feelings there- 
of in my own mind, as " face to face in a glass. 5 ' Let 
us therefore* who are called Quakers, be cautious 
how we adopt or reject in the lump, or at least join 
In the cry of enthusiasm or fanaticism ; remembering 
those epithets were plentifully poured forth on our 
predecessors in profession, not only by the openly 
profane, hut even by some serious professors, not 
themselves wholly strangers to inward and heartfelt 
experiences, but shy of them in those not wholly of 
the same sentiments. Some inward concern and ex- 
ercise of spirit hath been maintained, but at other 
times too much unprofitable discourse hath been 
attendant. 

28. In the forenoon meeting, those present were 
recommended to an inward feeling after the immedi- 
ate presence of Christ their Saviour ; some other 
points of doctrine were also touched upon ; it appear- 
ed a solid and favoured season. Having been some- 
time absent in London, our friends and neighbours 
seemed pleased with our return. It is very agreea- 
ble to maintain the habits of good neighbourhood and 
esteem for each other ; but infinitely preferable is 
f c the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace," May 
k be increased and multiplied amongst us. Amen. 



23 



31. In the preceding night, unpleasing dreafris 
attended ; when 1 waked, I looked to the Lord, but 
thick clouds were before me. 



Second Month, 180U 

4. In the forenoon meeting at Hartford, faith in 
God and Christ was recommended ; as it is written, 
" ye believe in God, believe also in me," 

5. In a meeting for dicipline, my mind was op- 
pressed under a sense of some present not sufficient- 
ly esteeming the sufferings of Christ, without the 
gates of Jerusalem, nor having fellowship with him 
in them ; and of a dark libertine spirit, that would 
trample upon those precious testimonies of the cross, 
delivered to George Fox and others, against hat-ho- 
nour, the heathenish appellation of days and months, 
the unchristian language of You to a single person, 
and the calling of men, master, contrary to the express 
prohibition of our blessed Lord, Matthew xxiii. 10. 
" Be ye not called of men, master, for One is your 
Master, even Christ." Some well disposed friends 
may, perhaps, have strengthened these libertines by 
laying too great a stress on externals : " for in Christ 
Jesus, neither circumcision availeth nor uncircumci- 
sion, but a new creature " and if those called Qua- 
kers walked according to this rule, they would neither 
wear gay clothing, nor give flattering titles to men. 
Much expence and exactness in dress, sumptuous 



24 

houses and costly furniture, comport not with the 
seamless garment of a crucified Saviour ; who was 
himself the most perfect pattern of plainness, and 
" had not whereon to lay his head." 

9 and 10. These days have I been in the deeps, 
** Deep hath called unto deep." All the waves and 
billows have gone over me. 

11. "A grievous vision hath been declared unto 
me ;" " My heart and my flesh faileth." 

18. I went to the forenoon meeting in great dis- 
tress; but soon after sitting down was measurably 
relieved by an opening concerning a dead and a living 
faith ; the former being barely an effort of the human 
understanding gathered from without, but the other 
proceeding from the operation of God upon the heart : 
the distinction was stated in a short testimony. 

22. This day I read the third part of the Pilgrim's 
Progress ; I do not remember to have perused it for 
many years ; it is not so united with t v he clouds of 
Calvinism as the other parts, which were written by 
honest John Bunyan ; and as free from Arminian er- 
rors. The following sentiments respecting prayer 
are peculiarly just and striking. l Prayer is the soul's 
discourse or conversation with God : now, seeing 
God knoweth all things, and discerneth the secret 
thoughts of our hearts, it is a thing indifferent, in pri- 
vate prayer, whether we use words or not; for tf e 
soul may discourse and converse with God as welt in 
silence as with words ; nay, sometimes better ;' in 
short, * my judgment is, that in respect to God's heai> 



25- 



ing us, it is all one whether we use words or not, 
either in public or private.' Third part, bound, page 
79—82. 

28. During the course of the present month a 
little cloud arose, apparently no bigger than a man's 
hand, which hath thickened so as to darken the face 
of heaven and pour down torrents of distress upon my 
poor soul. I have been broken by a tempest, and my 
wounds have been abundantly multiplied, but the 
great Superintendant of the universe " doth all things 
well," his judgments are righteous altogether ; we 
have all sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God ; 
and manifold have been the iniquities of my youth, 
and more advanced years : the Lord correcteth our 
transgressions with the rod, and will not suffer our 
lives to go wholly unpunished. Blessed are they whose 
sins are recalled to their remembrance, and go be- 
forehand to judgment, that the transgressors may be 
made white, and purged by the blood of the covenant. 
This day I again perused Joseph Ball's account of 
the dying sayings of his father-in-law, R. Reynolds, 
who had been near forty years a minister in our so- 
ciety ; and in his last illness was freshly awakened to 
a sense of sin, and brought to trust in Christ alone 
for salvation, who was made sin for us, "that we 
might be made the righteousness of God in him. 55 
The great sin of our deceased friend appears to have 
been too great an attachment to, and assiduity after, 
the things of this world ; that is not my foible ; mine 

have been manifold. 

D 



26 



Third Month, 1781. 

12. Uneasiness and discontent were too prevalent, 
I was agreeably amused with Dr. Hurd's Tribute 
to the Memory of Dr. Fothergill ; a worthy perform- 
ance. The extent of Dr. Fother^ill's application to 
professional pursuits, to physical and philosophical 
correspondences and benevolent communications, was 
indeed amazing ; his encouragement of genius, in a 
further display and extension of the works of nature, 
was indeed respectable ; but much more abundantly 
so was his attachment to some doctrines of the 
Christian religion, which, if not wholly rejected, are 
at least but lightly esteemed by divers who are re- 
nowned in the republic of letters. 'I should think 
myself guilty of a neglect injurious to the memory 
of my decased friend, did I not observe/ says Dr. 
Hurd, l that he abhorred the prevalent infidelity of 
the age, and gloried in the name of Christian.' He 
valued the Scriptures as the repository of divine 
truths ; and was never ashamed of those grand funda- 
mental doctrines,— salvation through the mediation 
of Jesus Christ, and sanctification through the influ- 
ences of his spirit ; and thus, by believing in God, it 
appears by the preceding anecdotes, that our worthy 
friend was unremittingly careful to maintain good 
works. His steady adherence to some peculiar tes- 
timonies to the simplicity of the gospel, held forth by 
the Christian Society called Quakers, was also pecu- 



27 



liarly exemplary ; they being despised by too many of 
his fellow-professors, under the picture of more libe- 
ral and extensive ideas, who are themselves greatly 
his inferiors in that real liberality of heart and senti- 
ment of which he was so eminently a professor. 

21. This day I have entered into the 63d year of' 
my age, — an awful event ; to many it hath proved the 
last of human life ; perhaps before another I may be 
added to that number ; but days and times, signs and 
seasons, are in the hand of the great Proprietor of 
the universe, who made the sea and the dry land, and 
man as a monument of his mercy. 

23. This day, that exercise has been maintained 
which is the essence of prayer, and which our Lord 
intended, when he said, " Watch ye therefore and 
pray always, that ye may be accounted worthy to stand 
before the Son of Man*" 

25. W. T. and M. P. appeared in testimony ; 
something was freshly impressed upon my mind, 
but the meeting ended well, without any ministerial 
additions. 

31. During the last month, some propriety in my 
outward conduct hath been supported, an inward ex- 
ercise and reading the holy Scriptures have been dai- 
ly maintained ; nevertheless, I am as a man that earn- 
eth wages, to put it in a bag with holes; what spiri- 
tual profit is reaped in meetings, or out of them, is 
too much " as the early dew." 



28 



Fourth Month, 1781. 

I. First day; in the afternoon a spirit of pover- 
ty and penitence was recommended, in a short testi- 
mony. 

4. At the week-day meeting, those present were 
directed to the inward appearance of Christ. 

I I . The duty of inward repentance, as it is writ- 
ten, " except ye repent ye shall all likewise pe- 
rish," and of the mediation of Christ, as represented 
by the dresser of the vineyard, being powerfully im- 
pressed, was stated to those present ; a door of ut- 
terance was measurably opened, and some solemnity 
seemed to attend. 

13. I attended the funeral of W. M. from Horsly- 
down meeting ; sundry acceptable testimonies were 
delivered, under which I sat with satisfaction ; I hope, 
likewise, in some degree under the ministration of 
truth, internally, for my own profit. " I am not asha- 
med of the gospel of Christ," but would gladly pro- 
claim to thousands the glad tidings of the gospel, if 
properly influenced thereto ; " but no man taketh this 
honour to himself but he that is called of God." It 
is indeed somewhat strange that I should be so gene- 
rally shut up from such an exercise, when my bre- 
thren in the ministry are present, or those not in pro- 
fession with us, and have so frequently something to 
deliver by way of testimony amongst a few at Hart- 
ford j but who is sufficient for these things ? " The 



29 

wind bloweth where it listeth." " He that hath the 
key of David opencth, and no man shutteth ;" but 
when he shutteth, no man ought to attempt to open. 

15. "Christ was delivered for our offences, and 

raised again for our justification." I sat under some 

* solemn impressions thereof, and of the necessity of 

believers being quickened together with him ; but 

felt no necessity to utter words. 

22. The forenoon meeting was large, and friends 
were recommended to the word of reconciliation 
within. 

28. The spirit of prayer hath this day been ob- 
structed by unnecessary converse, which it ought not 
to have been. " If any man doeth the will of God, he 
shall know of the doctrine;" and again, " if any man 
be a worshipper of God, and doeth his will, him he 
heareth :" hence it appears, that doing the will of God 
is necessary to render prayer acceptable. The will of 
God is our sanctification ; the sanctifi cation of our 
hearts and mouths, as it is written, " Lo, this hath 
touched thy lips, thy iniquity is taken away, thy sin is 
purged." Iniquity is not only to be taken away by re- 
mission and non-imputation, but sin is to be purged 
by real renovation ; in order to our becoming the sons 
of God without rebuke. " In your patience possess 
ye your souls/' was the command of the great Mas- 
ter to his immediate followers, and remains obligato- 
ry on us ; not only in the case of national and pub- 
lic calamities, but also in respect to those domestic 

inquietudes, which " arise not out of the dust." 

D2 



so 



Fifth Month, 1781. 

7. « With my spirit within me will I seek thee 
early," said one formerly. I am convinced of the 
propriety of the exercise and the universality of its 
obligation, and to will is present with me. In my 
way to the monthly meeting at Stortford, amidst much 
weakness of flesh and spirit, some hoverings of the 
anoimed seemed to attend. I was unwilling to shut 
out the true Opener, or what might proceed from 
him ; but, at the same time, shy of any particular im- 
pressions of matter j being ever desirous of entering 
religious assemblies " neither bearing purse nor 
scrip," or ought but a sense of my own poverty. In 
coming home, some unnecessary altercations would 
have presented, which were through grace measura- 
bly repressed. 

11. I was again at Stortford, at a meeting appoint- 
ed for our worthy friends M. Ridgeway and J. 
Watson, who returned with us to our house at Hart- 
ford. 

13. M. R. and her companion delivered accepta* 
ble testimonies, both in the morning and afternoon 
meetings. M. R. in the forenoon recommended oc- 
cupations which were diligently and prosperously 
practised by our worthy ancestors, viz. digging and 
begging : a lively and pertinent opening, on which 
she was enlarged with strength and propriety. 



31 



19. Mental prayer an$i reading the holy Scriptures 
have of late been practised ; it is true that the bare 
" letter killeth," but a diligent, and I think almost a 
daily, attention to these sacred records is the duty of 
all ; not so much with a view of immediate satisfaction 
and sensible comfort, neither with a view of laying up 
any stock in our memory, but in a dependence on the 
spirit that quickeneth. The ministers in our Society 
are particularly recommended to be conversant in 
them, by the yearly meeting 1702 and 1706. Never- 
theless they ought to have no treasury but the divine 
gift, — " the well of water springing up into everlast- 
ing life." 

23. Being much indisposed in body, I attended 
the week-day meeting with little expectation of life 
or labour ; sitting down in great nothingness, a de- 
sire was impressed that all present might be earnest- 
ly seeking after that salvation which is only attaina- 
ble through Jesus Christ, for the remission of their 
sins, and the sanctifi cation of their natures ; — a per- 
severance in the exercise, as set forth in the parable 
of the unjust judge and the importunate widow, were 
much illustrated in my mind. The children seemed 
to be brought to the birth, but there was neither 
strength nor freedom verbally to bring forth ; to- 
wards the close, I w r as freshly convinced that a minis- 
tration of the spirit in one individual may reach also 
to others, without words. 

28. In a meeting for dicipline, I sat in pain and 
bowedness of spirit, under a. sense of formality and 



32 



libertinism being too prevent in our society ; some 
resting too much at ease in the form, and a pretty 
punctual compliance with it ; and others trampling on 
the witness in themselves, and the precious testimo- 
nies of truth, in respect to speech, behaviour, and ap- 
parel ; esteeming them little things, or the produc- 
tions of enthusiasm. Thus hath the outward court 
been trodden under foot by the gentiles. Instead of 
an inquiry, " what shall we do to be saved," a language 
hath been substituted by the formalist and libertine : 
" The temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, arc 
these ; what shall we eat, what shall we drink, and 
where-withal shall we be clothed ? 

30. I came from Hartford to London, in order to 
attend the yearly meeting. 



Sixth Month, 1781. 

9. I returned from London to Hartford ; the pre- 
ceding yearly meeting had, in its several sittings, 
both for ministers and elders, for business and pub- 
lic worship, been measurably favoured with the at- 
tendance of that divine power which gathered us to 
be a people. May never a frequent and customary 
speaking of the life and power be substituted instead 
of the thing itself ; it being as possible to adopt a 
roaded use of such mode of expression, as of any 
other ; but may it really be the crown and covering 



33 



of our asssemblies at all times, and our glory for 
ever. 

23. The fruits of righteousness have been of late 
measurably sown in peace ; this evening, condemnat- 
ion for unnecessary discourse was attendant. 



Seventh Month, 1781. 

1. Our worthy friend Sarah Crawley, ofHitchin, 
attended both meetings. In the evening, our friend 
W. S. of this town, very suddenly departed this life. 
I attended his funeral, which was large, on the 8th. 
When I heard of his decease, he having been for some 
months indisposed, I became doubtful whether I had 
not been deficient in the visiting of him, and waiting 
for the renewal of divine help and council. It is cer- 
tainly a duty to visit the sick, and sit with them ; but 
in such sitttings words have been expected, and they 
have been, perhaps, too frequently uttered in a custo- 
mary manner amongst us, as well as others. 

13. Unprofitable disputations grievously prevail- 
ed ; we should never speak any thing but truth ; and 
frequently no advantage accrues from speaking of 
what we most firmly believe to be the truth ; speak- 
ing often is folly, when in silence there is strength. 

14. I have lately perused, to my satisfaction, and, 
I hope, spiritual advantage, sundry treatises publish- 
ed in the last century composed by Roman Catholics 
and Puritans, I am glad to reap " the grape-glean- 



34 



ings of the vintage" from every quarter, considering 
the Lord's vineyard to be of a great extent, and u his 
commandment to be exceeding broad :" " there stand- 
ing before the throne, of all nations, kindreds, tongues 
and people, clothed in white robes, and having palms 
in their hands, ascribing salvation unto God and unto 
the Lamb." It is a great weakness in the Calvinists, 
and perhaps in some others, that they reject every 
thing that is not coined in their own mint, and redu- 
ced to the standard of a supposed orthodoxy : they 
may indeed narrow and limit themselves and their 
fellow-creatures, but they cannot limit the Lord of 
Hosts ; his ways are illimitable, " and his thoughts 
are not as their thoughts ;" " the glorious Lord being 
a place of broad rivers and streams." 

17. I was under condemnation for speaking too 
freely on various occasions ; in the multitude of words 
there wanteth not sin, and what causeth sin causeth 
sorrow. The Lord is more pure than to behold ini- 
quity. " Salvation is only of grace through faith." 
But every work and secret thing shall be brought in 
judgment before a more perfect tribunal than that 
of human prudence and partiality. " Wash thou me, 

O Lord, and I shall be clean ;" purge thou me with 
the blood of sprinkling, " that the bones which thou 
hast broken may rejoice." 

18. Being afflicted with pain of body, these as- 
pirations attended ; Lord, sanctify the chastening of 
my flesh, that my spirit may be saved in the day of 
the Lord Jesus. 



35 

25. A silent meeting, with the illustration of these 
words, " He that doeth evil hateth the light." 

26. Before dinner, in Morgan's Walk, with feeble- 
ness, and amidst interruption, these ejaculations 
-were inwardly uttered ; Lord, sanctify ; purify ; that 
I may be perfected in holinefs&f according to the mea- 
sure of my faith in Christ. This day and yesterday 
have been spent pretty satisfactorily, although not 
without defects. In the midst of bodily and mental 
pain, may my looking be more and more unto him who 
was made perfect through sufferings ; not as to the 
purity of his own nature, for he was the immaculate 
Lamb who knew no sin, but in respect to the appoint- 
ments and designations of the Father, for the redemp- 
tion of mankind through him, and that he might be 
the more gloriously opened as a fountain, not only to 
the house of David and the inhabitants of Jerusalem, 
but to the whole race of Ada>m, for sin and unclean- 
ness. 

30. This day being the summer assizes, the judge 
came in. I am likely soon to appear before the Judge 
of the whole earth ; at so important a crisis, some 
are ready to say, we have faith, and others, we have 
works ; I can boast of neither, but can only say, " Lord, 
I believe, help thou my unbelief;" thou canst fulfil 
all the good pleasure of thy goodness, and the work 
of faith with power ; thy mercy reacheth the depth 
of misery ; righteousness and strength are with thee* 
and one day is as a thousand years. 



36 



Eighth Month, 1781. 

$. The following aspirations were attendant ; 
Lord, spare me yet a little longer, that I may ob- 
tain an increase of strength and faith in thee ; thd 
work is thine : reform also my exterior conduct, 
shew forth my faith by my works ; " Instead 
of the thorn may the myrtle appear. 5 * Let thy 
works praise thee, and thy long suffering be salva- 
tion. 

25. Some feelings after the meekness and gentle- 
ness which are in Christ Jesus were this day attend- 
ant. I read divers accounts of such, who, near the 
conclusion of their lives, obtained an evidence of 
peace with God, through Jesus Christ. 

31. After a deeply-exercising night, in which the 
alarm of death was a£ loud within as the tempest 
without, I wrote out a fresh copy of my will, which 
I design to get speedily executed. I have nothing to 
boast of, but many backslidings bitterly to bewail ; 
nevertheless, since I have possessed some outward 
substance, I have been desirous to expend it in the 
most equitable manner I could, and that my fellow- 
creatures, both professor and profane, might partake 
of the benefit ; and my own reputation, as an indivi- 
dual, hath been pretty much absorbed in the consi- 
deration of my religious profession, that none might 
have any cause to reproach the blessed truth, as hav- 
ing a narrow, illiberal, and selfish tendency. 



37 



Ninth Month, 178L 

I was attended with pain of body and lownes'S- 
of mind : a distinction betwixt the life of faith and 
the life of sense was the object of my meditation. I 
have lived more than three-score years too much after 
the bias of my senses, at least in those things that 
are esteemed innocent by men. " The life that I now 
live," said the blessed apostle, " is by the faith of the 
Son of God :" almost daily desires after the experi- 
ence thereof hath attended for more than forty years ; 
yet I remain to this day too great a stranger to the 
full enjoyment of that " life which is hid with Christ 
in God." O may I daily experience an increase in 
it i that when he, who is the life of his people, shall 
appear, I also may appear with him. 

14. It hath long been my> judgment, that the cir- 
culating of reports, which, in any wise, have a ten- 
dency to depreciate others, is inconsistent with our 
Christian duty ; the mortifying our natural propensi- 
ties, in that respect, is certainly a branch of the Cross 
of Christ, and compatible with his spirit and pre- 
cepts. Great, indeed, even in this particular, is the 
prevalence of the law in the members against that 
of the mind, and of corrupt propensity over a more 
rightly informed judgment, 

25. Having been for some time past pretty much 

confined, I had an opportunity of perusing some tracts^ 

lately published, written by my long acauainted frier** 

E 



G8 



Joseph Phipps; in which our religious sentiments 
concerning baptism, Christian communion, silent wait- 
ing, oaths, fasting, and rejoicing, are stated and sup- 
ported. The great error of the Calvinists,.and those 
called remonstrants, or prcdestinarians and free-will- 
ers, hath been in endeavouring to reduce the deep 
mysteries of the incorruptible God, into an image 
or system made in the likeness, and after the manner 
of curruptible men ; and so seeking, by the arts and 
devices of their own hearts, to elucidate the ways and 
works of an infinite Creator by those of finite crea- 
tures : — a most vain and fruitless effort, replete with 
absurdity, and inconsistent with the express decla- 
ration of the Lord Jehovah, " Let the wicked for- 
sake his ways, and the unrighteous man his thoughts, 
and turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy, and 
to our God, for he will abundantly pardon ;" " for 
my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are 
your ways my ways, saith the Lord ; for as the hea- 
vens are higher than the earth, so are my ways high- 
er than your ways, and my thoughts than your 
thollghts. ,, 



Tenth Month, 178 1 . ? 

9. Being, contrary to my knowledge, nominated 
to attend the meeting for sufferings, as one of the 
committee of the yearly meeting, in considering and 
digesting the Book of Extracts, containing rules and 



59 



advices relative to our religious society, I went from 
Hartford to London. 



Eleventh Month, 178 J. 

6. This day the committee on the Book of Ex* 
tracts was dissolved for the present, having sat from 
the 19th of last month inclusively. I was enabled to 
attend pretty closely ; my lips were generally sealed 
in silence, but some inward exercise of spirit was 
at times experienced for the revival of the law and 
the testimony, that Zion might be redeemed by 
judgment, and established in righteousness. How 
good is it for brethren to dwell together in unity, and 
to be preserved from anger, wrath, clamour, envy, and 
evil-speaking; which favours were measurably ex- 
perienced in the course of the foregoing service. 
Thanks to the God of Peace, and Master of Assem- 
blies, to whom the giory of every good word and work 
belongs, now and for ever. 

20. Myself and wife dined at Youngsbury : after 
dinner I had some discourse with D. Barclay con- 
cerning that excellent man and skilful minister of 
Christ, his grandfather, and the elaborate Apology he 
wrote for the true Christian Divinity : his memory I 
much esteem, for the evangelical testimonies contain- 
ed in that work, and the distinctions between the doc- 
trines of truth and Calvinistical and Pelagian errors; 
May none, professing with us, forsake " the fountain 



40 



of living waters," who thus speaketh ; " If any man 
is athirst, let him come unto me and drink," and turn 
not aside to the corrupted channels of carnal reason 
and creaturely power ; for if so, " the strong shall be 
as tow, and the maker of it as a spark," when the 
Lord shall shake terribly the earth, and exalt his 
only-begotten Son, as the refuge of the poor, and 
*' strong hold of the daughter of Zion." 

22. I read the 3d and 4th chapters of the prophet 
Daniel ; in the former, there appears a striking in- 
stance of the tyranny of despotic princes, in the per- 
son of the king of Babylon, his unreasonable requisi- 
tions of the Chaldeans, and his tyrannous decree 
concerning them, because they were unable to com- 
ply therewith. Equally arbitrary and irrational was 
the command of Pharaoh, king of Egypt, to the chil- 
dren of Israel, to make brick when their usual allot-? 
ment of straw was withheld. The mighty Lord and 
Ruler of princes, " the blessed and only potentate," 
44 the King of kings, and Lord of lords," dealeth not 
not so with his creatures. He hath, indeed, a right 
to do what he pleaseth with his own ; and who will 
say to him, " What doest thou ?" His works, in- 
deed, are marvellous, and < c past finding out ;" 
but " just and true are all his ways." There is also 
exhibited a strikin g instance of the divine superin- 
tendance, and the faithfulness of the Almighty to 
them who trust in him, in the preservation of Sha- 
drach, Mesheck, and Abednego, in the midst of the 
£ery furnace ; because they would not serve the gods 



41 



of Nebuchadnezzar, nor worship the graven image 
he had set up. 

25. " What shall I render to the Lord for all his 
benefits ? I will take the cup of salvation, and call 
upon the name of the Lord." In an introversion of 
the heart to God, in mental supplication, and the 
breathing of the Spirit, which " maketh intercession 
with groanings which cannot be uttered," consists 
the essence of all acceptable prayer and praise. 



Twelfth Month, 1781, 

1. I remembered the patriarch Jacob, who set 
up the stone and anointed the pillar. The Lord of 
Hosts is his memorial. 

5. Appeared at the week-day meeting \ but omit- 
ting to close at a proper time, when a pointing so to 
do was internally presented, and proceeding to utter 
a few more expressions, flatness and uneasiness en- 
sued. O the spiritual skilfulness, distinction and pro- 
priety, which ought ever to attend the exercise of a 
gospel ministry ! What was predicted of the holy- 
head also appertaining in measure to the members ; 
" he shall be quick of understanding in the fear of the 
Lord ;" " but who is sufficient for these things V* 

21. I was favoured with some internal direction 

to " the cloud of witnesses," and Jesus, the author 

and finisher of their faith, who is entered within the 

veil. 

E 2 



42 



23. I was desirous of attending the quarterly 
meeting at Hartford, but was prevented by indisposi- 
tion from going thither until this day. On the jour- 
ney, I was favoured with some renewed convictions 
of the benefit and excellence of waiting upon the 
Lord in silence ; in it consists the very essence and 
marrow of prayer, of which, words the most fitly 
spoken are only a signification. Upon a mature in- 
vestigation of the New Testament, I can perceive no 
obligation on believers to keep the first day of the 
week. By divine direction, the seventh was ordain- 
ed as a sabbath to Israel after the flesh, " whilst the 
first tabernacle was. yet standing," and the transgres- 
sors of the divine command were to be judged with a 
legal and rigorous severity : but when " the word was 
made flesh, 55 and magnified as the glorious rest and 
hiding-place of his people, we find the apostle Paul 
contending for the liberty of the gospel, and prohibit- 
ing the saints in Christ Jesus from judging one ano- 
ther, in respect of an holy day, or the new moon, or the 
sabbath days ; which, says he, " are a shadow of things 
to come, but the body is of Christ. 55 Nevertheless, 
I greatly disapprove of travelling on the first day of 
the week, to the neglecting of our religious assem- 
blies for divine worship ; it being highly conducive 
to a proper discharge both of divine and moral duties, 
that one day in the seven should be peculiarly appro- 
priated to sacred purposes. 

31. The last day of the year 1781. Another year 
hath now been added to my life, but io the due iflfc 



43 



provcment of it I have been too deficient. Hot; 
wonderfully have I been preserved ; even from my 
youth upwards, my life hath been a life of wonders, 
inwardly and outwardly : when I look back, I am 
filled with astonishment. What shall I render to 
the Lord for all his benefits and innumerable mer- 
cies, which have been more than the hairs of my 
head ! 



First Month, 1782, 

1. This day we made a feast, consistent with e.ur 
Lord's direction : although not in every respect 
litterally so, I would maintain a spirit of hospitality 
and becoming liberality towards all ; but the feasts of 
our Lord's institution are the most satisfactory to 
those who are desirous of being his disciples. 

6. In the forenoon meeting, a testimony was de- 
livered to the universal grace and benignity of the 
Supreme Being, and that healing and salvation which 
is in Jesus Christ, according to what is written | 
u as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, 
even so must the Son of Man be lifted up," that who- 
soever believeth in him should not perish, but have 
eternal life. 

27. At Horslydown meeting, in the forenoon, my 
mind, after a time in silent waiting, was strongly 
impressed with a sense of the divine omniscience 
and compassionate notice of Hub, who * beheld 



44 

Nathaniel under the fig-tree." The matter remain- 
ing with weight, a few words were spoken relative 
thereto. 

30. The week-day meeting at Gracechurch- 
street was a solid and satisfactory season ; my mind 
was powerfully impressed with a sense of the great 
mercy of the Supreme Being, in the forgiveness of 
sins, and the indispensible obligation, which we mor- 
tals are under, of forgiving one another, as it is writ- 
ten, u and forgive us our sins, as we forgive those 
who are indebted to us." The meeting was chiefly 
held in silence, M. P. only appearing in a short, but 
very acceptable, testimony. 



Second Month, 1782, 

4. I attended the meeting of ministers and el- 
ders at Gracechurch-street, which was to me a sea- 
son of humiliation and of treading down in the val- 
ley of vision. I remembered the humiliating lan- 
guage of one formerly, who was ordained a prophet to 
the nations ; " Ah, Lord God ! behold, I cannot speak, 
for I am a child." Such a sense of natural and crea- 
turely impotence (notwithstanding any gifts or qualifi- 
cations which may have been possessed) ought to be 
the frequent experience of every one concerned in the 
work of the ministry. Towards the close of the sit- 
ting, our ancient friend, Thomas Corbyn, delivered a. 
pertinent exhortation. 



45 



6. Unprofitable discourse prevailed. " The 
tongue is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison, which 
no man can tame." 

11. As my fathers were, so am I, a sojourner here, 
and my days are passing over more swiftly than a 
weaver's shuttle ; " this is my infirmity, but I will 
remember the years of the right hand of the Most 
High, 55 his wonders which have been of old ; "and 
him who is an high priest for ever, after the order of 
Melchisedeck ;" in whom u death is swallowed up in 
victory/' May my desire and hope of salvation be 
in him, although I am a dwarf in Israel, and far short 
of having attained a proper growth, in the c < measure 
t>f the stature of the fulness of Christ." 

12. This day, being commonly called Shrove 
Tuesday, I considered those seasons which were set 
apart by the church of Rome for peculiar purposes 
of devotion, and in commemoration of certain sig- 
nal events, relative to the redemption of the human 
race : many of that communion very conscientious- 
ly and piously adhered to them, not only in respect 
to the outward observance, but also to what passeth 
within ; the latter ought also to be our concern at 
all times, that we might experience, indeed, a holy 
clay to the Lord, and an acceptable fast, in ceasing 
from sin, from apger, and wrath, clamour, envy and 
evil speaking ; as likewise from an inordinate 
gratification of our palates in meats and drinks, and 
whatever else is inconsistent with the gospel of 
Christ. 



46 



17. In the afternoon meeting I perceived a dis- 
position to catch at sundry passages of holy writ, 
which passed as it were the surface of my mind in 
such a transient superficial succession, as not only 
to be unprofitable, but painful ; however, I was pre- 
served in silence, with some desires after living 
substance* 



Third Month, 1782. 
/ 

10. I sat down in the forenoon meeting in low- 
ness ; but in silent waiting, matter was presented 
relative to my own state, which afterwards seemed 
to extend to others ; but other ministers being pre- 
sent, I was loth to break in upon their silent waiting, 
or what might be upon their minds to offer to the peo- 
ple. We are not to have the faith of our Lord Je- 
sus Christ, the Lord of glory, with respect of per- 
sons, nor the exercise of our ministry according to 
our own time and will. Yet " the Lord is a God of or- 
der ;" and there is justly a " prefering one another in 
love, wherein the spirits of the prophets are subject 
to the prophets." Reduced and small as the number 
of ministers in our society now is, if a similar care 
was at all times prevalent, the dignity and decorum 
of our religious society would be better maintained. 
Two friends afterwards delivered acceptable testi- 
monies. 

11. I attended a meeting of the Watton trust ; 



47 



the matter under consideration was, the dismission 
of the toll-gatherers for a supposed breach of trust ; 
©ne of them appearing, made but a poor defence ; nay, 
out of his own mouth he was condemned. If the 
Judge of the whole earth should mark iniquities with 
severity in the day of a righteous retribution, who 
could stand before him, " whose eyes are as aflame of 
fire, and his voice as the sound of many waters V* 
This remark is not intended to annul the distinctions 
betwixt right and wrong, the praise which is due to 
moral virtue, or the censure which may be properly 
applied to the breach thereof. In my own consci- 
ence I stand justified from infidelity in the unrigh- 
teous mammon ; but being at the same time convict- 
ed of how much I am indebted to the Lord, for want 
of a due improvement of his manifold grace, my soul 
was humbled within me ; and I withdrew without 
annexing my signature to the order for his dismis- 
sion. 

20. This day was closed the 63d year of my age ; 
a period I never expected to have passed ; it hath 
been a year of various distresses and desolations ; 
I have been brought down to the sides of the pit, and 
lifted up. How wonderful are the works of God, who 
maketh all ; " his ways are past finding out." 

3 1 . This day is observed by the churches of Rome 
and England, in commemoration of the Lord Christ* 
u who was delivered for our offences, and raised 
again for our justification." It is written in the 
scripture, K Let every one that nameth the name of 



48 



Christ depart from iniquity." How few among the 
various sects in Christendom are concerned in heart 
so to do ! Notwithstanding their appointed fasts 
and feasts, their loud boastings of justification by 
Christ, and pompous praises of virtue and moral ve^, • 
titude, in their hearts they regard iniquity. 



Fourth Month, 1782. 

5. Walking in the Grange, and parts adjacent, 
and reviewing scenes and places with which I had 
been acquainted in early youth, I became profitably 
recollected in spirit, in a sense of the promised seed, 
by whose mediatorial influence I have been preserv- 
ed to this day, when many of my cotemporaries are 
unalterably stationed in regions unexplorable by us 
who are on this side Jordan. May I, together with 
many brethren, be concerned, as at the eleventh hour 
of the day, with much spiritual travail and great 
searchings of heart, to seek, as treasure hidin a field, 
" Christ 'in us the hope of glory," " who was deliver- 
ed for our offences, and was raised again for our justi- 
fication ;" being according to the flesh of the seed 
of David ; but who is God over all blessed for ever. 
And as our ancient friend, George Fox, used to testi- 
fy concerning him, " Christ Jesus the true seed, both 
in the male and feinale ! the head of the body ! the 
church .!" 



49 



7. I was under some difficulty respecting what 
meetings I should attend, or whether any, being low 
in mind and indisposed in body. I looked towards 
divers, but there was a giant in the way. I was in 
some degree peaceably recollected at Gracechurch- 
street, in the forenoon, and Westminster, in the 
afternoon ; but silent in both : by accident this even- 
ing, hearing one speak of that " hope" that " maketh 
not ashamed," he declared that the foundation of it 
was God, Christ, his blood, righteousness, and spirit ; 
that the subject was the awakened sinner, who, des- 
pairing of any other means of salvation, casts him- 
self on God and Christ ; and having this hope, Christ 
in him, is purified, " even as he is pure." To me, a 
degree of spiritual savour and soundness seemed to at- 
tend the remarks. I was thankful for the preserva- 
tions and favours of the day. 

\7. Openings respecting divine things were plen- 
tifully attendant. What is rightly opened may be 
both profitable and pleasant, but not at all times " law- 
ful to be uttered." The day of the Lord is to be on 
all " pleasant pictures," for their probation. 

22. I read part of an essay on the present state of 

England ; an excellent political performance ; the 

author possessing clear ideas, and adducing strong 

proofs of former errors, and prejudging those which 

may hereafter happen, in case Providence should per- 

mit a spirit of pride and intoxication still to prevail, 

for a further punishment upon the inhabitants of this 

nation, 

F 



5G» 



24. In the week-day meeting, a testimony was de- 
livered concerning that purity of heart, which is the 
righteousness of faith ; as it is written, " Blessed are 
the pure in heart, for they shall see God." 

28. In the forenoon -meeting, those present were 
recommended to seek after an experimental know- 
ledge of the truth. After sitting long in the after- 
noon meeting, in much heaviness, very unexpectedly 
some matter was powerfully impressed, with a point- 
ing for a public ministry : a minister not belonging to 
our meeting being present, for fear of interrupting 
any concern he might be under, I kept the concern to 
myself, until the proper time for speaking passed 
over. Neither did the other friend appear. 



Fipth Month, 1782. 

1. Two testimonies were delivered, recommend- 
ing to a state of inward poverty ; as the reverse to that 
Laodicean fulness, which was so severely reproved by 
the " faithful and true witness." 

8. Great was the distress and perturbations of 
my mind during the early part of the week- day meet- 
ing ; afterwards some solemnity attended in silence, 
and under the acceptable ministry of R. Valentine, 
O for more fervency of spirit, and striving to enter in 
at the strait gate ! 

18. Some pertinent advices were delivered in the 
yearly meeting of ministers and elders ; and a laa- 






51 

guage passed through my mind, " O Lord God, fos* 
give, I beseech thee ! by whom shall Jacob arise ? for 
he is small. " 

22. At dinner we were unexpectedly visited by 
our ancient friend Thomas Hartley ; probably the 
last time : he appearing to be much emaciated, and 
his countenance languid and meagre ; but attended 
with a fresh and lively sense of vital and experimen- 
tal religion. Retiring with him from some com- 
pany who were present, he expressed himself, 
in much tenderness of spirit, to the following effect : 
i O my dear friend ! I have lately passed through ma- 
ny fiery trials and deep baptisms, such as I had never 
before fully experienced : all the secret and concealed 
sins of my former life, even many which had passed 
unnoticed, have been brought to light and set in order 
before me. I have been laid more low than ever be- 
fore the throne ; and so humbled in a sense of my own 
nothingness, that I could stoop even to the meanest 
of my fellow creatures. But I hope these severe dis- 
pensations have been for my further purification, and 
meetness for that rest and glory, which will be the 
fruition of sanctified spirits to ail eternity.' In the 
year 1776, I was introduced to a personal acquaint- 
ance with him, by a worthy minister in our own So- 
ciety, and esteem the same one of the blessings of 
my advanced years, for which I am accountable to the 
Author of every good gift. He lived some years in 
the neighbourhood of Hartford, and left a sweet sa-. 
■ our behind him, both among rich and poor. It was 



52 



my lot to differ much from him in my natural disposi- 
tion, and also in some points to which he was much 
attached ; but he sought not so much to promote the 
sentimental part of religion, as the life of righteous- 
ness, and the experimental knowledge of the cross of 
our Lord Jesus Christ; which crucifies to the corrupt 
propensities of fallen nature, and produces the fruits 
of the spirit, which are love, " peace, and joy in the 
Holy Ghost." 

29. The yearly meeting at Hartford was small, 
by reason of the prevalence of disease. The minis- 
try of our worthy ancient friend, I. S. was singularly 
distinguished with brightness ; his matter being evan- 
gelical, and his expressions correct, nervous and ani- 
mated. 



Sixth Month, 1783. t 

i, The reports already recorded may rather seem 
of a discouraging nature, and not dissimilar to those 
of the evil spies formerly; "there we saw the giants, 
the sons of Anak," " and we were in our own sight 
as grasshoppers ;" " the cities are great, and walled 
up to heaven." O ! that I might yet more possess 
the spirit of Caleb and Joshua, who followed the Lord 
fully, and through faith and patience inherited the 
promised land. 

7. Early in the morning, being pretty easy in body 



S3 



and mind, I remembered the Lord, to whom mercies 
and forgiveness belong* 

9. Towards the close of the forenoon meeting, 
some matter was opened, but I was most easy te 
leave the people to the great Opener, who opens, 
when, where, and what he pleaseth ; and without 
whose inspeaking word, the voice of all outward 
preachers is but as " sounding brass, or a tinkling 
cymbal." 

10. This day, unexpectedly and unsought for by 
me, I had a conference with a warm Calvinist, wh« 
seemed to lay an unwarrantable stress on the pecu- 
liar tenets of that sect ; and to be too much a stran- 
ger to that meekness and benignity, which peculiarly 
characterises the religion of him, who came not " t@ 
destroy men's lives, but to save them." I asserted 
Christ to be the only means of salvation and " the 
Lord our righteousness ;" both in respect to his 
meritorious and propitiatory transactions in the flesh, 
and his being revealed within, as the hope of glory. 
To the former part of the proposition he heartily as- 
sented ; but appeared too great a stranger to the 
mystery which had been hid from ages and genera- 
tions, " but is now made manifest to the saints." I 
spoke only the words of truth and soberness, as they 
are set forth in the Holy Scriptures, Robert Bar- 
clay's Apology, and the writings of other faithful 
men : but I fear neither myself nor friend were suffi- 
ciently baptised into an inward and immediate feel- 
ing of the things which were spoken, 

F 2 



54 

11. As I was walking in the evening, agreeably 
with what was expressed in the conference of yester- 
day, in a degree of the immediate feeling, the lan- 
guage of our worthy friend, Isaac Penington, was 
inwardly uttered ; " None but Christ ; none but 
Christ, can my soul say, from a sense of my continu- 
al need of him." Not only as he was a propitiation 
without me, but as a light within me : " for in him was 
life, and the life is the light of men." And not only 
by the report of what he hath done for them, without 
them, but by his immediate presence and saving 
help, are the souls of the desolate and distressed led, 
at seasons, to trust in him, who, for their sanctifica* 
tion, " suffered without the gate." 

28. As I was walking in the fields, it was im- 
mediately suggested, that the doctrine of the di- 
vine decrees and final perseverance, as set forth by 
John Calvin, and which are so strenuously support- 
ed by his partisans, have a strong tendency to pro- 
mote a spirit of pride, self preference, and security, 
in them who suppose themselves the favoured sub- 
jects. On the other hand, believers, who hold the 
doctrine of universal redemption and remission, 
through the blood of Christ, are equally interested 
in the promises ; especially reprehensible are such 
among them, who judge as heretical and inimical to 
the gospel, all who cannot coincide with their senti- 
ments on those points* 



55 



Seventh Month, 1782. 

15. An intended journey to Tooley-stree had 
afforded me some prospect of satisfaction ; but, alas ! 
every pleasing vision vanisheth. Indeed, what views 
of sublunary satisfaction can be reasonably enter- 
tained, when past the grand climacterick. But even 
to the very latest hour of human life, how propense 
are mortals to the illusions of a world that perisheth ; 
how obscure their views, and dull their movements, 
towards the " good land that is beyond Jordan ; that 
goodly mountain and Lebanon." 

28. In the meetings at Hartford, matter was im- 
pressed with a pointing to the people ; but I was 
loth to stand up hastily ; an exercise under religious 
openings being, at times, (as profitable to those pre- 
sent as the expressing of them :) " that one and the 
self-same spirit, dividing to every man severally as he 
will." In the afternoon I had no clearness to utter 
any thing, until the usual time of sitting was expired, 
and then thought it most expedient to omit deliver- 
ing what was before me. The spirit of truth, and 
the ministry which in any degree proceeds there- 
from, is not to be limited by a dial or hour-glass , yet 
" wisdom is profitable to direct/* and " is justified 
*f her children." 



56 



Eighth Month, 1782. 

10. For some days past, I have been deeply affect- 
ed with a sensibility of the poverty, emptiness, and 
dryness of human nature, when devoid of that faith, 
which is by the life of the Son of God, who came, 
that we might have life ; and that we might have it 
more abundantly. " His foundation is in the holy 
mountains ;" " Glorious things are spoken of thee, 
O city of God." 

15. I went to the evening meeting in much pover- 
ty and emptiness, possessing nothing ; but remem- 
bering, with a degree of freshness, that when the 
Lord Jesus went into the synagogue, the book of the 
prophet Isaiah being delivered unto him, he read 
that which is written ; " the spirit of the Lord is up- 
on me, because he hath anointed me to preach the 
gospel to the poor, and to heal the broken hearted :" 
and the eyes of the people were fastened on him. 
Some desires also attended, that the attention of those 
present might be fixed on Christ, who is " a high 
priest for ever, after the order of Melchisedec ;" 
and who, not only for the short space he was on 
earth, but throughout all generations, was gracious- 
ly appointed to " preach the gospel to the poor," 
and M to bind up the broken-hearted." A diffidence 
was prevalent, lest, by speaking, the solemnity which 
seemed to attend should be by any means diminish- 
ed ; and other friends were more ready to deliver 



57 



what was before them. On the whole it seemed a 
favoured season. 

19. First clay. Being low in mind, and indis- 
posed in my health, I spent the forenoon in Tooley- 
street ; and in my retirement received a renewed 
conviction, that " what is to be known of God is 
manifest within," by the immediate revelation of Je- 
sus Christ : for, although the invisible things of him 
may be understood by the things that are made, yet 
these exterior demonstrations of his eternal power 
and godhead are rather adapted to the reasoning, 
than the feeling, part in man; and being objects of 
the understanding, rather than the heart, can never 
afford a soul-satisfactory evidence to deep, inward, 
exercised seekers.. The Holy Scriptures, being 
written by the inspiration of God, are profitable for 
doctiine, correction and instruction, in righteousness; 
that the man of God may be furnished to all good 
works. Yet they are of themselves a dead letter, and 
unable to give life, only as they are opened by " the 
spirit that quickeneth ;" and then they are precious, 
inestimably precious, beyond all words which have 
been written : a single sentence of them, so impart- 
ed, being much more profitable and edifying to the 
inward man, than long and elaborate discourses, or 
the voluminous productions of men. When in a 
state of darkness, distress, and uncertainty, our at- 
tention ought therefore to be inwardly turned to Him, 
who " hath the key of David ;" who, in the days of 
his flesh, commiserated the poor and distressed 



58 



among the people, inviting them on this wise ; " Come 
vmto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and 
I will give you rest." The doctrine taught by some, 
that the Scriptures are the only rule of faith and prac- 
tice, and may be sufficiently understood by the light 
of reason, is therefore equally erroneous and uncom- 
fortable. At Gracechurch-street, in the afternoon, I 
was exercised under some lively impressions of the 
foregoing truths, without any pointing to impart them 
to those present. 



From 20th of Eighth Month to 13th of Ninth 
Month, 1782. 

I was, by Dr. Hooper's direction, almost wholly con- 
fined in a reclining posture, by reason of a broken 
shin. No chastening is joyous ; nevertheless, if 
thereby the peaceable fruits of righteousness are in 
any measure produced, there is abundant cause for 
thankfulness to the all-wise disposer of events. Dur- 
ing this afflictive dispensation, my mind hath been 
covered with a deep and humbling sense of the mani- 
fold errors of my past life ; and in some degree fa- 
voured to seek after the spring of mercy and for- 
giveness, the Lord and giver of life, and his Son 
Christ Jesus, in whom is life, and " the life is the 
light of men." In a reading of the Holy Scriptures, 
some inward feeling of the truths in them contained 
was at times experienced. From my youth upward* 



59 

I have been frequently conversant in the Christian 
pattern by Thomas a Kempis ; and particularly so 
in the elegant translation of it by my esteemed friend, 
John Payne. By a secret pointing in my own mind, 
I was excited again to peruse it : the striking de- 
scriptions of creaturely depravity and impotence were 
consonant with my own experience, and heartfelt sen- 
sations within ; and the testimonies, not only to the 
power of a merciful Creator, but to his readiness to 
relieve the most weak and destitute, were as " good 
news from a far country." Divers other books were 
• measurably profitable. Hearts Ease, in Hearts 
Trouble, by John Bunyan, and some other of his tracts, 
in which the marks of a day of grace not being final- 
ly closed are set forth. The sentiments in them ex- 
pressed, in my opinion, not comporting with that 
strict and rigid Calvinism which the author profess- 
ed ; but rather with the gracious declaration of the 
great Master, concerning a favoured people former- 
ly ; " O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the 
prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, 
how often would I have gathered thy children toge- 
ther, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her 
wings, and ye would not i" " if thou hadst known, 
even thou, at least in this thy day, the things which 
belong unto thy peace ; but now they are hid from 
thine eyes." 

23. A contested election happening this day in 
the Borough of South wark, I was burthened in spi« 



60 

rit, by hearing much, and speaking unnecessarily, 
concerning it. 



Tenth Month, 1782. 

12. I was low and distressed in mind, being also 
indisposed in my health. For the greatest part of 
my time, pains and indispositions have been my fre- 
quent companions ; and how can any long respite be 
expected from them at so advanced a period of life. 
Lord, make me peaceable and patient when in pain, 
and thou shalt have the praise. 

17. In the morning watch, upon my bed, these 
words were impressed with power ; To them " who 
believe, he is precious ;" and were divers times 
renewed in the course of the day. O ! may I, amidst 
declining years and increasing infirmities, experi- 
ence the preciousness of Christ ; to whom coming, 
as to a living stone, disallowed of men ; but who is 
the High Priest, and Teacher of saints ; their light 
and their atonement. 

20. In a meeting at Hartford, some matter was 
freshly imparted with a pointing for the ministry, 
but was fearful of interrupting the solemnity in si- 
lence. In the evening, I read in the family a memo- 
rial, in manuscript, which I received from Isaac Gray, 
concerning Dorothy Barham, of Bedford ; who ,vas 
a member of the Moravian congregation there, and 
appears to have been a humble, pious, and devoted 



61 

servant of Christ Jesus. There is an uttering of 
words without knowledge, to the darkening of coun- 
cil ; there is a scattering and yet encreasing> and 
there is a withholding more than is meet, which ten- 
deth to poverty. But who is sufficient for these 
things ? 

26. For some time past have I earnestly sought 
to serve the law of God ; the spirit hath been will- 
ing to serve the law of God : the spirit hath been 
willing, but the flesh weak. " O Lord ! I am oppress- 
ed, undertake for jme :" thou tookest upon thee 
" our infirmities, and bare our sickness," and art " able 
to save to the uttermost." 



Eleventh Month, 1782, 

2. " What shall I render to the Lord for all his 

benefits ?" In the 64th year of my age, and amidst 

great desolations, both of flesh and spirit, I humbly 

hope the gentle attractions of heavenly love are mea« 

surably drawing me to the Lord Jesus Christ; the 

great Prophet and High Priest of his people ; who 

declared in the days of -his flesh, " No man can come 

to me, except the Father, which hath sent me, draw 

him." " And he that cometh unto me, I will in no 

wise cast out." How ignorant are mankind of the 

great " mystery which hath been hid from ages and 

generations." Many are indeed professing faith in 

the coming of Christ, and his death, and sufferings ; 

G 



62 



and some, likewise, of his being an inward teacher, 
and true light which lightens every man, who have 
no more experimental knowledge of these important 
truths than either Jews or Heathens. They may 
have, indeed, at times, experienced the convictions of 
the spirit of truth for sin, and heard his voice, " Be- 
hold, I stand at the door and knock ;" but they have 
not desired the knowledge of his ways ; and there- 
fore having eyes, they see not ; having ears, they hear 
not-; neither do understand the things which belong 
to their peace. O ! that I had the tongue of an angel, 
and a voice to extend from c pole to pole, 5 to declare 
" the unsearchable riches of Christ :" but " I am a 
child, and cannot speak," my " strength is to sit 
still." 

11. On reading William Dewsbury and A. Boehm 
on regeneration, I appeared far short of having at- 
tained that love and perfection which is in Christ Je- 
sus. I have long professsed, pressed after, and even 
at times preached, the new birth ; but being myself 
weighed in the balance, I am found wanting. A di- 
vine call hath often gone forth, Go into my vineyard 
and work. Nevertheless, dissipation hath been too 
prevalent, and an undue attention to sublunary en- 
gagements ; although perhaps, for the most part at 
least, those which are inoffensive in the estimation 
of men. But, the Lord looketh not as man looketh ; 
" he requireth the whole heart." I have answered 
not feignedly, but with the whole desire of my heart, 
" I go." 



63 



16. Bodily pain this week hath almost continually 
attended. I have gone mourning all the day long. 
When I have looked for light, behold thick dark- 
ness, " and on my eye-lids hath been the shadow of 
death." " But God is light, and in him is no dark- 
ness at all. 55 Christ Jesus is " the true light which 
lightens every man :" and in the celestial regions, on 
the other side Jordan, there is no night ; for the Lord 
God " and the Lamb is the light thereof." 

24. This day, visiting an ancient and long-ac- 
quainted friend, she expressed convictions for sin, 
and particularly for having been too much at ease. 
The friend, likewise, although far advanced in years, 
signified the being now afraid to die ; which I was 
well pleased to hear, for all have abundant cause to 
be so, yea, to tremble at the king of terrors ; except- 
ing such as are compleat in him, who is the head of 
all " principality and power." O may the fruit of the 
spirit be more manifested among us ! " By their 
fruits ye shall know them," said the blessed Jesus ; 
" he that abideth in njje, and I in him, bringeth forth 
much fruit :" the bra«t:hes whereon no fruit is found 
are therefore in a withering state, and in danger of 
being cast forth. Nevertheless, our dependance 
ought not to be so much on the fruit, as on him who 
is the vine ; the root that beareth us : that in all 
things we may grow up into him, who is the head^ 
even Christ ; cur wisdom, righteousness, sanctifica- 
lion and redemption. Amen. 



64 



Twelfth Month, 1782. 

8. What is man, that the Lord is mindful of him, 
•r the sons of men, that he visit^th them ? They are 
less than nothing and vanity. Yet many, thinking 
themselves to be something, are soaring aloft on ac- 
count of their moral characters, or a supposed inter- 
est in the Redeemer's righteousness. But is not the 
heart of man " deceitful above all things, and despe- 
rately wicked ? 

17. In the week-day meeting at Horslydown, I 
had some glimpses of those consolations which are> 
in Christ; as likewise the blushing and humiliation 
which belongs to man, when he beholds himself in 
the true light : as it is written, " I have heard of thee 
by the hearing of the ear, but now mine eye seeth 
thee, and I abhor myself, and repent in dust and 
ashes." O that I may yet obtain more confidence in 
God, through the Mediator ! The glorious doc- 
trine of the mediation of Christ has this day been 
much illustrated in the view of*my mind, according 
to that which is written, " there is one God, and one 
Mediator between God and man, the man Christ Je- 
sus ; who gave himself a ransom for all, to be testifi- 
ed of in due time." 

30. I read some part of an excellent treatise, en- 
titled the Heavenly University, and written by Fran- 
cis Row, which I had not seen for some years. I 
think it well deserves a new edition ; not doubting 






65 



but that it will be well accepted by the spiritually 
minded, of various denominations. 



First Month, 1783. 

1* We dressed more meat than common, and dis- 
tributed great part of it among our poor neighbours- 
We are told by the apostle Paul, that " with such 
sacrifices God is well pleased." May this year, or 
that part of it which may be my portion, be increase 
ed with the increase which is of God, viz. an inward 
exercise and travail of spirit towards him, and acts 
of benignity towards my fellow-creatures. The for- 
mer is essential to salvation, the latter are good and 
profitable to men, and adorn the doctrine which is 
according to godliness ; but when trusted in as 
a compensation for secret sins, and a covering for 
the errors of the heart, they are " filthy rags." Only. 
" in the name of the Lord will we set up our ban- 
ners." x 

25. I have long esteemed it my duty to be con- 
versant in the Holy Scriptures, and daily to read some 
portions of them. But in this, as well as in other 
respects, when I would have followed the secret 
pointings of truth in my own breast, interruptions 
have been attendant. Notwithstanding " the boast- 
ings x)f them who are alive without the law," unless 
the motions of sin, which are " by the law in the 

members, that warreth against the law in the mind," 

G2 



66 



are subdued by the power of Christ, there can be 
no complete redemption through his blood ; as it is 
written, " except I wash thee, thou hast no part with 
me." Anger, wrath, clamour, envy, and evil-speak- 
ing, must therefore be purged by the blood of the 
covenant, before we can inherit that kingdom, which 
is " righteousness, peace, and joy, in the Holy 
Ghost" 



Second Month, 1783. 

10. Fresh cause for self-condemnation was this 
day administered. What cause is there for condem- 
nation to them who are in Christ Jesus, may some 
say. It is true, there is none ; but who are in 
Christ ? " those who walk not after the flesh, but af- 
ter the spirit." But whilst the law which is in our 
members, and the motions of sin which are thereby, 
bring forth fruit, there is death and condemnation. 
The language of — no condemnation to them who are 
in Christ — I fear, frequently proceeds rather from 
speculation than sensation ; and is the dictate of a 
vain hope, by which the creature speaketh peace un- 
to itself, and prophecieth deceit. There is, indeed, 
a being baptized into the death of Christ, and a fol- 
lowing the Redeemer through the bloody process 
of his sufferings, before there is an experience at- 
tained of being " complete in him, who is the head of 
all principality and power," and risen with him into 



67 



that dominion in which he dieth no more; and in 
which those who believe are dead indeed unto sin, 
but alive unto God, through Jesus Christ our Lord. 
The wrathful propensities of fallen nature have, in- 
deed, been measurably repressed ; but my desires 
are that they may be totally removed by Him, who is 
" able to subdue all things to himself.'* 

12. In the week-day meeting at Horslydowru 
some sentiments were livingly impressed, concern- 
ing that hope which is not seen ; but nothing was 
expressed. Under the law, nothing was to be offer- 
ed that died of itself ; there was a pointing in love to 
those present ; but not a sufficient necessity to ut- 
ter words : at some such times, when I have refrain- 
ed from speaking, flatness and poverty have come 
over my mind : there is a scattering, and yet increas- 
ing ; but it is more eligible to withhold, than to scat- 
ter unproiitably. 



Third Month, 1783. 

5. Late last night was closed the assizes for the 
county of Hartford. Five received sentence of death 
as evil-doers. And who amon? the sons of men can 
plead the purity of his heart, or the rectitude of his 
conduct before him, " whose eyes are as a flame of 
fire." In the name of Jesus is our only hope ; who 
14 saveth his people from their sins," not only by im- 
jmtation and remission, but also by a real renovation 



68 

and renewal into the heavenly image ; as it was tes- 
tified concerning some formerly, who once were the 
servants of sin and free from righteousness : « But 
ye are washed ; ye are sanctified ; ye are justified in 
the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our 
God." 

8. This week some deliverance from evil hath 
been graciously experienced. As the day of my de- 
parture draws nigh, may I daily experience an in- 
crease in the fruits of the spirit ; in no wise esteem* 
ing them " the works of righteousness which I 
have done ;" but as marks of his gracious assis- 
tance and acceptance, " who worketh both to w T ill 
and to do of his good pleasure," and justifieth his 
own works both for and in his people ; according to 
that which is written, " Ye see, then, how that by 
works a man is justified, and not by faith only." They 
err, therefore, not knowing the scriptures, nor the 
power of God, who teach that the works of the spirit 
influence not the justification of the saints ; but that 
they are dross, dung, and filthy rags. Was not Abra- 
ham, our father, justified by works, when he had of- 
fered his son Isaac upon the altar ?" " Was not 
Rahab, the harlot, justified by works, when she had 
received the messengers, and sent them out another 
way ?'* Even the giving a cup of cold water, in the 
name of a disciple, is justified before God. The com- 
ing of the Lord Jesus in the flesh, his sufferings, and 
blood-shedding on the cross, and the work of the spi- 
rit, were, in the eternal council of God, essentially 



69 

necessary for the salvation of sinners. Manifold are 
his works, in unerring, unsearchable wisdom, hath 
he made them all. 

9. Great and inexpressible hath been the mercy 
and loving-kindness of the Lord, more particularly in 
"my advanced years, by drawing me in spirit to his Son 
the Lord Jesus Christ ; that I might be justified free- 
ly by his grace, through the redemption which is in 
him ; according as it is written, " every man there- 
fore that hath heard and learned of the Father cometh 
unto me." What a linsey-woolsey garment may some 
say ; and what contradiction betwixt the sentiments 
of the present day, and the remarks on yesterday, in 
which the doctrine of justification by works is assert- 
ed. I answer, to me no contradiction appears ; the 
holy men of God, who spake as they were moved of 
the Holy Ghost, having declared that " a man is justi* 
fied by faith,"* and that " by works a man is justified, 
and not by faith only :" mid they respectively had 
the mind of Christ. 

10. Pained in body and distressed in mind, but 
not without some secret solitary lookings towards Si- 
on, the city of the great King, concerning whom the 
decree was declared, " Thou art my Son, this day 
have I begotten thee." 

18. With the assistance of a glass, I beheld a 
total eclipse of the nocturnal luminary. Mystical- 
ly and spiritually, for some days past, I have seen 
neither sun, moon, nor stars. May the Lord be 
pleased to enlighten my darkness. When primaeval 



70 

darkness covered the deep, the Spirit of the Lord 
moved upon the waters : " He said, let there be light, 
and there was light." 

19. David declared the pains of hell had got hold 
of him. In the week-day meeting, my soul seemed 
to possess sensations somewhat similar, and measura- 
bly to participate that tribulation and anguish, into 
which human nature is fallen ; and which must be 
unalterably the lot of those who depart out of the bo- 
dy in an unreconciled state. How necessary there- 
fore is it for those who have received that calling 
Which is of grace to keep themselves in the love of 
God, and in a sense of those bowels and mercies; 
Which are in Christ Jesus ; some days past, I was fa- 
voured with a glimpse of them. But, since my bonds 
are become strong, I am removed far from peace. 
M. Thy word, O Lord ! is like a fire and a hammer ;** 
a thou breakest the rocks," "thou touchestthe moun- 
tains, and they smoke." 

24. John Pemberton, from Philadelphia, and 
Christiana Hustler, and H, Wigham, of Yorkshire; 
attended our meetings for worship yesterday, and the 
quarterly meeting this day ; the said meetings were 
respectively very large ; and the aforesaid friends had 
acceptable service in them. 

25. Our worthy ancient friends, Isaac Sharpless 
and Samuel Spavold, being on a religious visit to the 
families of friends in this town, I was inclined to ac- 
company them in the afternoon ; and during the first 
sitting, being in great affliction of soul and spirit, 



71 



something was powerfully impressed concerning 
that diseased woman, who said within herself concern- 
ing our blessed Lord ; " If I may but touch his gar- 
ment I shall be made whole." And a short testimo- 
ny was delivered, concerning that healing virtue 
which was, and is, in the Lord Jesus Christ. I was 
almost instantaneously relieved both in body and 
mind, and sat with the said friends in three other fa- 
milies. 



Fourth Month, 1783, 

5. This day, and~ yesterday, I have been under 
strong impressions to revise and transcribe a correct- 
ed abridgment of my diary, which commenced the 
1st of sixth month, 1780 ; to me an important work, 
by reason of my unfitness for penmanship : yet, con- 
sidering the great long-suffering which hath been 
extended to me by a merciful Creator, it is my boun- 
den duty to follow every secret pointing to such little 
services, as may in any degree conduce to the spiritu- 
al improvement of my fellow-creatures ; particularly 
of the desolate and distressed among them, who are 
asking their " way to Zion, with their faces thither- 
ward." 

26. Accidentally looking over a publication of the 
last century, I met with the following quotation, 
which I do not recollect having seen before, either 
in the bible or elsewhere, viz. Deuteronomy, xxviu\ 



72 



65, 66, 6f, " The Lord shall give thee there a trem- 
bling of heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind ; 
and thy life shall hang in doubt before thee ; and thou 
shalt fear day and night, and shalt have none assur- 
ance of thy life : in the morning, thou shalt say, 
Would God it were even ; and at even, thou shalt say, 
Would God it were morning ; for the fear of thine 
heart, wherewith thou shalt fear, and for the sight of 
thine eyes, which thou shalt see :" a most pathetic 
description of the disconsolate state in which man is 
rected for iniquity. 



Tifth Month, 1783. 

2. 1 perused a printed lettter, from a baptist to an 
adherent of Dr. Priestley, in which some errors con- 
tained in his Appeal are scripturally opposed ; espe- 
cially those respecting the divinity and atonement of 
Christ. But where read we, in th? Holy Scriptures, 
of an infinite satisfaction being required from finite 
creatures ; but rather, that " God so loved the world 
(that is, all mankind) that he gave his only-begotten 
Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not pe- 
rish, but have everlasting life." " But God hath com- 
mended his love to us, that while we were sinners, 
Christ died for us :" and again, herein is love ; not 
that we loved God ; but, " that God loved us, and 
sent his Son to be a propitiation for our sins." In 
this was manifested the love of God towards us, be* 



73 

cause that God sent his only-begotten Son into the 
world, that we might live through him. These are 
the concurring testimonies of two apostles, who re- 
spectively had the mind of Christ, and by which Christ 
appears rather to be the effect, than the cause of the 
love of God; although in some respects he is both, 
But, alas, how are truths and errors commixed in the 
minds even of good men ; and who among the sons 
of men fully understands his secret faults ? 

5 and 8. I was with our worthy friends John Pern* 
berton and William Mathews, from North America, 
at the monthly meeting of Hartford, held at Bishop 
Stortford ; and also at the week-day meeting, at 
Hitchin. In the latter, the errors of my past life be- 
ing awfully recalled to my remembrance, I was abash- 
ed before the dread of nations, in a remembrance 
of his holiness. In the week-day meeting, the pre- 
ceding day at Hartford, a short testimony was deliv- 
ered concerning the love of God in Christ Jesus ; ac- 
cording to that which is written, " Greater love hath 
no man than this, that he lay down his life for his 
friends." 

IS. In the fore part of the forenoon meeting, 
distress and perturbation of spirit attended ; some so- 
lemnity was afterwards experienced in silence ; and 
I some sentences were uttered concerning the heaven- 
ly vision, which only is capable of alleviating the ills, 
and calming the storms of human life ; according to 
that which is written, " When 1 awake, I shall be sa- 
tisfied with thy likeness. " 

H 



74 



31. Respecting my own state, long, very long>. 
even from my youth to the present day, I have been 
crying, not with my mouth and lips, but from my 
heart, unfeignedly, Lord ! Lord ! — Nevertheless, for 
want of continually standing on the watch tower, 
where understanding and strength is imparted from 
above, I have in many respects erred. But where- 
fore doth a living man complain ? a man, for the pu- 
nishment of his sins ; is it not of the Lord's mercy I 
am not consumed, and because of his spirit, that any 
sense of sin, righteousness and judgment, is yet re- 
maining ? This forenoon came to our house our 
friend Matthew Johnson, of Cornwood, in the county 
of Northumberland. 



Sixth Month, 1783. 

1 . First-day. Three years are now elapsed since 
the commencement of my diary. During the last 
year, both in respect to body and mind, I have been 
brought down to the sides of the pit, and lifted up, 
I have been faithful in the " unrighteous mammon ;" 
and, in respect to divers moral duties and religious 
performances, adhered to that which most nearly re- 
sembled the right line : but is there not an iniquity 
in our secret things, which needs to be purged with 
better sacrifices than those which were offered under 
the law ; and made nothing perfect as appertaining to 
the conscience. 



75 



5. This morning our friend Matthew Johnson went 
from our house ; having lodged under our roof five 
nights, and been chiefly with us in the day-time. I 
was with him at four meetings at Hartford, and two 
at Ware : his public ministrations were pertinent 
and lively, and his conversation adorned the doctrine 
he preached ; grave, but not austere ; courteous, but 
not light. It is highly necessary for those who pro- 
fess themselves the disciples of a crucified Saviour, 
and who, in some exterior respects, imitate the plain- 
ness and simplicity of his ' seamless garment, to be 
careful, lest by any assuming airs, consequential and 
self-preferring appearances, or levities in converse, 
they should give libertines any cause to say, are not 
we more consistent than they, and doth not our dress 
more comport with our deportment. 

6. This evening I was awfully affected by seeing 
the earth thrown over a fellow-creature ; according to 
that which is written, " Dust thou art, and to dust 
thou shalt return." This must be the lot of all ; yet 
how unmindful are the generality of mankind of that 
most important period, when their " mortality must 
put on immortality ;" or, otherwise, they must be con- 
signed to unending perdition. 

9. In the meeting for ministers and elders, divers 
pertinent cautions were imparted, against the wisdom 
and will of man in the exercise of the ministry : but 
is there not also a danger of their being exercised 
in the dicipline ? Is it not necessary that the ac- 
tive moving part in man, which is always ready, should 



be mortified in both ; and that those who are con- 
cerned in the ministry or dicipline should be reduc- 
ed into the same state with those believers, concern- 
ing whom it was formerly testified, " Ye are dead," 
i( being buried with Christ by baptism into death 1" 

J 4. This week I was favoured to attend divers 
meetings for worship, and most of those for busi- 
»ess : in the latter, a spirit of brotherly love and 
condescension (with some small exceptions) was 
mercifully prevalent. In case some well-minded 
friends had more steadily adhered to the apostolic in- 
junction, " Let every man be swift to hear, slow to 
speak," the dignity of those assemblies would have 
been full as well maintained. 

15. i In the forenoon meeting at Hartford, some 
matter was early impressed on my mind, with a point- 
ing to the people, and repeatedly revived ; but I en- 
deavoured to feci my own weakness, the validity of 
the opening, and of my commission to impart it, and 
was silent ; some degree of profit and solemnity was, 
I hope, attendant : in the afternoon, a spirit of heavi- 
ness was painfully prevalent, which, after long wait- 
ing in silence, was measurably abated. 

13. In the evening meeting, after the quarterly 
meeting, some observations were delivered by Mary 
Gurney, on the prophet's waiting at the entering of 
the cave, " for the still small voice :" may the in- 
struction resulting from the revival of the passage be 
duly attended to by such who sometimes speak, and 
they who hear. For some time past, my soul hae 






77 



dwelt in desolation, but, I hope, measurably under the 
operations of that word which is as a hammer, and 
powerful " to the pulling- down of strong holds.'* In 
the afternoon, a passage in holy writ being impressed 
on my mind, I was rather refreshed ; but desirous 
that I might not be satisfied, unless my spirit was 
baptized into a sensible and experimental knowledge 
of the truths declared. 

22. For some days past my flesh and my strength 
have seemed to fail, by reason of various conflicts, and 
severe inward exercises, 

23. I perused an excellent little tract, entitled 
** Divine Breathings," well deserving the attention of 
those who are spiritual. 

25. The week-day meeting was a solid sitting ; di- 
vers sentences were imparted, with an application 
both to myself and others ; but I was rather desirous 
of ministering their import in silence, than by words. 
To the ignorant and unlearned I speak as a barba- 
rian, but ye who are spiritual, judge what I say. 

28. Some unnecessary, unprofitable words having 
been uttered, during the course of the present week* 
for want of watchfulness, I was self-condemned. 



Seventh Month, 1783. 

13. I went to the general meeting at Hunsdon, in 

great lowness ; and, on sitting down, so great was the 

feebleness both of mind and bodv? that it appeared 
H 2 



78 



rather doubtful whether I should survive the present 
day : but, after sitting some time in silence, I was 
enabled to look towards the Lord and giver of life, 
with such an efflux of tears as hath been of late unu- 
sual. I was strengthened, and some matter was pre- 
sented with freshness and demonstration ; but I 
thought the present exercise might prove a minis- 
tration of the spirit fully as profitable without words. 
A verbal ministry is at times of advantage. But it is 
* God only who quickeneth the dead, and calleth 
those things which are not, as though they were." 

20. I sat in both meetings in great bowedness of 
spirit, bewailing my desolations both of body and mind. 
The preceding week was attended with unusual spasms 
and palpitations of heart : the poor worn-out machine 
seems declining, and drawing apace to the dust, from 
whence it originated. I am now incapacitated from 
reading any thing ; being scarce able to look into the 
volume of the book without, or the law, which is light : 
but "the Lion of the Tribe of Judah can unloose the 
seven seals ;" " the bright and the morning star can 
even yet irradiate the dreary regions of the shadow of 
death ;" " he can break in pieces the gates of brass, 
and cut asunder the bars of iron." 

23. Not having, for many days past, either read in 
the Scriptures, or had any portion of them renewed 
in my remembrance, the application of the poor leper 
unto the Lord Jesus, and the relief he obtained, was 
impressed with a degree of consolation ; as was also 
that very gracious promise, recorded in the 2d <>f 



79 



Hosea, "I will give her the valley of Achor for a door 
of hope." When he, who so emphatically expounded 
the Scriptures to his disciples, withdraws his spiritual 
presence, by which he promised to be always with his 
people, the whole bible is a blank, and no part of it 
affords light or consolation ; but, when he appears, 
the words which are recorded are as " apples of gold 
in pictures of silver/'* " and as nails fastened in a sure 
place, by the master of assemblies," who teacheth 
his people to profit. 

29. Still shut out of the Scriptures ; and the inward 
exercise of my mind so weak, as to be scarcely dis- 
cernible. 



Eighth Month, 1783. 

4. Death so remarkably reigned in my own indivi* 
dual, on sitting down in the monthly meeting, that it 
seemed like a canopy to cover the assembly. Not- 
withstanding whatsoever formalists and mere ration- 
alists may suggest, I have been long firmly persuaded, 
that, at times, when either life or death, darkness or 
light, prevail in a particular person, it not only extends 
itself to others, but is a ministration of the Lord of 
life, or the prince of darkness, to a meeting in general, 
without the medium of vocal language. 

8. As I sat under the trees by moon -light, I was 
favored with some glimpses " of the umsearchable 
riches of Christ." 



80 



9. The forenoon was spent comfortably; I was 
measurably recollected, and enlivened in spirit. 

10. I sat down, in the forenoon meeting, under 
great distress and perturbation of spirit ; but before 
long, notwithstanding the desolations of yesterday, 
my heart and my lips became touched, in some degree, 
as with a live coal from the altar. J. M. and M. P. 
ministered with much acceptance : although the meet- 
ing was detained longer than usual, a living solemnity 
continued to the close. 

19. Being in London, I attended the marriage of 
E. G. and J. G. at Horslydown ; a low meeting : our 
friend Nicholas Walne, of Philadelphia, was present, 
but silent. Silence seems to be the dispensation of 
the present day ; at least among us as a religious so- 
ciety, peculiarly called from a dependence on the 
teachings of men, and to that worship which stands 
not in word, but in power. 

20. I went to Gracechurch-street meeting on the 
fourth day, in fear, and a cross to my own will, without 
any expectations, either immediately or instrumental- 
ly. I sat in lowness, but well satisfied. We ought 
to have no dependence on any works of obedience, 
but our only hope of acceptance ought to be on Christ ; 
nevertheless, that acceptance is not attainable in a 
state of disobedience, but as we obey the gospel ; 
God being either pleased or displeased with us every 
hour, according to the tenor of our hearts and con- 
duct ; a proposition reprobated by many who are or- 
thodox in heart, and suppose themselves to be so in 



81 



sentiment. But I esteem the H6ly Scripture the only 
written standard of orthodoxy. 

23. This week has passed pretty comfortably, not 
much cause for condemnation having attended; ne- 
vertheless I have fallen short in respect to unneces- 
sary words and thoughts. " When we neither act, 
speak, nor think, any thing inconsistent with the Di- 
vine will," this, says one, is w perfect sanctification ;" 
and this is the mark of our high and holy calling in 
Christ Jesus ; who, himself, " was holy, harmless, un- 
defined, and separate from sinners," 

25. I received a letter from our dear and worthy 
friend, Thomas Hartley ; who, although aged and in- 
firm, appears to retain a fresh and lively sense of that 
true and experimental religion, which consists not in 
the letter, but th« spirit, and that circumcision which 
is inward. 

29, The last two weeks have been spent pretty 
comfortably, but not without various defects. 

31. In the meeting of ministers and elders, those 
present were reminded of former days ; of the early 
visitation of the spirit, which moved upon Sampson 
in the camp of Dan ; and their losses sustained by the 
too frequent prevalence of the Philistine nature with- 
in them. 



82 



Ninth Month, 1781 

I. In the afternoon meeting, something was ex- 
pressed concerning the dominion of death, and the 
power of him> " who hath the keys of death and of 
hell." 

12. Early in the morning, I was desirous I might 
be preserved during the ensuing day from unprofita- 
ble speaking ; the desires of the morning were mea- 
surably answered ; according to that which is written,, 
ft It is God that worketh in you, both to will and to 
do, of his good pleasure." 

19. Two robbers having been taken up in the neigh- 
bourhood, an inquiry occurred — how much better am 
I than they, who am guilty before God of having too 
frequently withheld my heart from the Proprietor of 
Heaven and Earth ; who hath said, " My son, give me 
thy heart." 

23. In the forenoon meeting, various presentations 
and sentiments concerning religious subjects were 
suggested in the early part of the meeting, and conti- 
nued nearly to the conclusion : they appeared rather 
the progeny of the creaturely cogitative faculty, than 
to arise from a superior origin. " By their fruits ye 
shall know them." I intend this not so much in re- 
spect to what may be offered from without, as what 
passeth within ; whatsoever sentiments and presenta- 
tions promote dissipation, or leave the mind barely 
where it was before, are hurtful, or at least indifferent; 



83 



but those which draw the mind nearer to God, and 
strengthen an inward exercise and travail of spirit 
towards him, are good, and to be received with 
thanksgiving. Every offering, exhibited either in- 
ternally or ministerially, is to be seasoned with the 
salt of the everlasting covenant. But as ministerial 
administrations, offered in weakness and child-like 
simplicity, may possibly be more acceptable in the 
sight of him, who seeth not as man seeth, than some 
which may more nearly resemble the life and wisdom 
of truth, we ought to be very jealous over ourselves 
and our own- offerings, and as cautious and tender in 
the judging of others, or what may be offered by 
them ; as it is written, " Judge nothing before the 
time, until the Lord come ; who will bring to light 
the hidden things of darkness, and will make mani- 
fest the counsels of the heart ; and then shall every 
man have praise of God." When George Fox was 
sent forth to preach the everlasting gospel, and to turn 
men from darkness to light, many illiterate persons, 
both men, women, and children, were also sent forth 
with htm to labour in the Lord's l^r vest-field, in which 
there was supposed to be many labourers, under vari- 
ous characters, abundantly superior to them, not only 
in human wisdom and acquirements, and the know- 
ledge of the Holy Scriptures, but likewise in deep ex- 
perience and heartfelt religion, who became jealous of 
them, whom they esteemed no people. Thus in various 
dispensations have the disciples of a crucified Sa- 
viour been esteemed as the off-scouring of the peo- 



84 

pie, and the doctrine of the cross, foolishness ; that by 
the things which are despised, and are not, might be 
brought to nought the things which are, " that no 
flesh should glory in his presence." In the exercise 
of a public ministry, even where there is a degree of 
Tightness, and especially where those concerned may 
suppose themselves much behind hand in the work, 
through past unfaithfulness, there are many rocks, 
shoals, and quicksands, on which the rightly-laden 
vessel may be shipwrecked and suffer loss ; and in- 
deed so weighty is the work, and so diversified the 
dangers, that there is abundant cause for all, from 
the least child to the most experienced minister, to 
unite in a language formerly uttered, " And who is 
sufficient for these things ?" In the afternoon meet- 
ing, neither sun, moon, nor stars were discernible ; 
nevertheless, just before the close, a cry from the bot- 
tom of my soul seemed to ascend to an Almighty 
helper, who can cause light to arise in the midst of 
darkness, and "turn the shadow of death into the 
morning.* 

Tenth Month, 1783. 

11. Some merciful preservations from evil have, 
this week, been measurably experienced ; neverthe- 
less, I have been deeply convinced of the enmity and 
malignant propensities of human nature, and of satan 
transformed into an angel of light, working on them, 



85 

both in myself and others ; whence arise ''.debates* 
envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, 
swellings, tumults ; n instead of that " charity which 
suffereth long, and is kind ; M " rejoiceth not in ini- 
quity, but in the truth ; beareth all things, hopeth all 
things, endureth all things." 

15. As I was going to the week-day meeting, a 
thought passed my mind concerning a state of trem- 
bling, which I esteemed to be only casual ; but afteip 
having sat some little time in the meeting, the mat- 
ter was unexpectedly renewed in my remembrance, 
with such strength and enlargement, that, compara- 
tively, my " brook became a river," with a pointing 
to those present ; but I was fearful of breaking in, 
hastily, upon the solemnity which seemed to attend 

'1n silence ; lest, instead of increasing, I should scat- 
ter ; and lest words, instead of enriching, should tend 
to poverty. But before the close I dropt a few sen- 
tences, with a degree of liberty and satisfaction. 

1 6. The week-day meeting was solid ; various 
openings were attendant, without the least pointing 
to express them ; but rather thankfully to return them 
into the treasury, from whence I hope they proceed- 
ed. For some days past, clouds and sunshine have 
been alternately attendant. Internally, some short 
intervals of light and recollection were attendant ; 
the attractions of the Father, in their lowest and weak- 
est administrations, lead to u Christ in u£ the hope 
ef glory/ 5 

I 



86 

f 8. The days of darkness will overtake such who 
possess their souls in peace, and see no sorrow ; and, 
sooner or later, they will be witnesses of this unex- 
ceptionable truth, " Man is born unto trouble." 
When the Lord " cometh up to the people, He will 
invade them with his troops ; the strong shall be us 
tow, and the maker of it as a spark." One with whom 
I am peculiarly connected, who has been in the pos- 
session of health and affluence, being of late attack- 
ed with a dangerous disease, occasioned the preced- 
ing remarks. 

20. The plaintive language of the prophet many 
times occurred, " I will bewail with the weeping of 
Jazer, the vine of Sibmah : I will water thee with my 
tears, O Heshboen and Elealeh." 

2 1 . Having reproved a beloved friend with asperi- 
ty for a supposed error, I suffered compunction. 

22. Three short testimonies were delivered in 
the week-day meeting. I was oppressed under a 
♦sense of iniquity. " A wounded spirit who can bear," 
was the language of one formerly. I sat bitterly 
bewailing my manifold deviations from the path of 
peace. There is a woe to them by whom offences 
come ; but when they have been administered, it is 
certainly a duty incumbent to acknowledge them, and 
to seek with solicitude for a real reconciliation with 
those, whom we may suppose have been offended. 
In this respect I have been pretty uniformly careful, 
and by an acknowledgment of my petulance in tho 
conference of yesterday, to the friend concerned, I 



87 

was measurably relieved. a In the world, said our 
blessed Lord, ye shall have trouble.''" The Son of 
Man came not to send peace on earth, but rather a 
sword in the hearts and houses of those who are seek- 
ing to follow him in the regeneration, and to fill up 
that which is behind of the sufferings of Christ. But 
when he breaketh the yoke of their burthen, and ta- 
keth to himself his great power, and reigneth, he is 
experienced to be " the Everlasting Father, the 
Prince of Peace j" " whose dominion is from ever- 
lasting 5 ' to everlasting. " Even so ; Come, Lord Je^ 
sus ;" come quickly. Amen and Amen. 

26. In the forenoon meeting, much matter was 
presented before the view of my mind, which was 
measurably profitable to myself, although unmeet at 
that season for utterance. In the afternoon, near the 
conclusion, a few words were expressed, concerning 
our incapacity to watch with Christ one hour, without 
supernatural assistance. 

28. The Lord, who dwelleth on high, regardeth 
the prisoners on earth ; " He keepeth all their bones, 
that not one of them is broken." As I walked in 
the fields, I was enabled to remember the words of 
his holiness ; and some passages of holy writ were 
brought before me with a degree of freshness. 

3 1 . After a painful night, internally, I was tossed 
fVvith tempests ; I was in a strait place, encompass- 
ed on every side ; but, towards noon, some sensa- 
tions were attendant of that almighty and infinite 
power, whose way is in the sea, and " who maketh 



§8 

flie clouds his chariots :" his word is within, as 
^ treasure hid in the sand," "and his righteousness 
is revealed from heaven," for the help of the poor, 
whose soul fainteth within him. " Although thou 
sayest I shall not see him, 5 * yet, O my soul, trust thou 
in him ; for thy judgment is before him ; his judg- 
ments are unsearchable as] the deeps, but his mercfr 
Sndureth for ever. 



Eleventh Month, 1782. 

3. 'yhis day was passed more comfortably than 
some, though deeply impressed with a sense of my 
own poverty ; having nothing, " neither purse no* 
scrip." 

5. A day of trouble and treading down, and per- 
plexity in the valley of vision. 

6. In the Park evening meejting, I was early im- 
pressed with a sense of the great benefit resulting 
from being inwardly gathered to Shiloh, " the bright 
and the morning star ;" who beareth witness of him- 
self; " whose witness is true," and abundantly more 
strong than all the prophetical and miraculous at- 
testations of his coming and glory ; they, being pro- 
posed to unbelievers, are rejected by them/ who con- 
tinue in their unbelief. But the spirit is an undenia- 
ble, soul-satisfying and self-demonstrative evidence, 
that the Son of God is come, hath suffered for our 
sinsj aud is risen again for our justification. Anc^ 



89 

thus, "the less is blessed of the greater," in those 
who receive him in his spiritual appearance, as the 
light of the world and life of men. These truths 
were opened in my mind with clearness and demon- 
stration, without the least appearance of their being 
intended for others. 

10. I attended both meetings at Horslydown, 
which were wholly held in silence. An exercise in 
spirit, somewhat similar to the patriarch Jacob, in the 
night season, was experienced ; but the dawning of 
the day seemed wholly withheld. 

15. Early in the morning, I was impressed with 
terror, having dreamt of being with one who hath 
for some time been numbered with the dead ; as also 
of sinking myself in miry places and deep waters > 
as also of being in danger from a bad foundation and 
a rotten superstructure ; but likewise, that in the 
time of need, in the hour of distress, there appeared a 
hand, stretched out to help. May the latter part of 
the dream be fulfilled in spirit. The same Omnipo- 
tent arm, which sustained sinking Peter, is not di- 
minished in power. Awake, awake ! O, Arm of the 
Lord ! " art not thou it, which cut Rahab and wound- 
ed the dragon," who made " a way through the sea^ 
and a path through the mighty waters ?** 

17. This day I have been preserved pretty quiet 

and comfortable in spirit, and clear from speaking 

unprofitably ; a great favour, "not of works, but of 

grace," which teacheth to deny all ungodliness. O i 

may the fruits of the spirit be daily experienced ; 

I 2 



90 



u that Instead of the thorn, may come up the fir tree, 
and instead of the briar, the myrtle tree ;" " and that 
the fruits of righteousness may be sown in peace,'* 
as a testimony to that " righteousness which is of 
God by faith," even the faith of our Lord Jesus 
Christ, who himself was " meek and lowly in heart;" 
« who, When he was reviled, reviled not again." Be- 
ing lame, and the weather wet, I was much within, 
and perused the journal of our deceased friend John 
Churchman, of North America. I had read it when 
it w&s first published ; but on a fresh investigation 
of the contents, I was impressed with a savour of 
some inward experiences therein contained. In page 
222, I find the following passage, very necessary to 
be noticed by all who may have any concern in a pub- 
lic ministry. " In attending the meetings as they 
came in course, I felt a gradual opening and strength 
to declare those things which before had been seal- 
ed up ; being now made sensible, that every vision 
and opening, which the Lord is pleased to manifest 
to his servants, are not for immediate utterance. But 
the Lord, who gives judgment, should be carefully 
waited upon ; who only can shew, by the manifesta- 
tion of his light, the time when." 

18. Walking in the fields, my mind was ftieasura- 
bly comfortable and luminous ; the desire of my soul 
was to the Lord, and the remembrance of his name, 
Afterwards a cloud overspread my horizon ; the 
cause not unknown 



91 



1§. I thought of leaving off my diary, but remem- 
bered him, " who, against hope, believed in hope.** 
I am at times favoured with some sensations of " the 
comforts of love," and of " the meekness and gentle- 
ness of Christ :" but, alas, they are soon suspended- 
The immediate forerunner of the High Priest of our 
profession, " saw the spirit descending from heaven 
like a dove, and it abode upon him." He was not on- 
ly our propitiation, but example ; and as he was, scr 
ought we to be, in this present world- Nevertheless, 
as in our " flesh there dwelleth no good thing, 5 ' I 
am persuaded those visitations of divine good come 
from above, and therefore ought not to be despised ; 
but rather received with thanksgiving, and a desire 
after the increase, which is of God. 

21. I went with my wife to visit John Allis ; con- 
cerning whom, as well as myself, it may be remarked? 
Our days are declining swiftly as a shadow ; we are 
withering, as grass ; great poverty, and distress also, 
attends within, but not without some lookings towards 
the source of all good. Some fresh attacks of pain 
likewise prevail, and mementoes to follow the Lord 
more fully, at the eleventh hour of the day. 

23. After having sat a short time in the forenoon 
meeting, these words were mentally formed. May 
good arise for the help of the poor. I thought the 
waiting to have them more powerfully impressed 
within might be more profitable to the assembly* 
than the uttering them by words ; but there was no in* 



92 

crease of power, I believe deep poverty continued 
to be the portion of the poor. 

29. This week I have been under strong appre- 
hensions of death ; symptoms of acute disease hav- 
ing been attendant. They now are measurably sus- 
pended, thanks to the Preserver of men ; "unto whom 
belong the issues from death." May I, for the very 
Short space, the few sands, which yet remain, no lon- 
ger live unto myself ; but die daily, by the power 
of Christ ; a who both died, rose, and revived, 
that he might be Lord, both of the living and the 
dead." 



Twelfth Month, 1783. 

I, As I walked in the fields, the following 
■aspirations were formed within me — May I be for 
ever with the Lord, and behold his glory. The 
day was passed peaceably, and free from condemna- 
tion. 

8. The wounds of seventh-day were alleviated, 
-but not healed* 

10. By reason of a letter concerning the danger* 
ous illness of my brother John Scott, and his continu- 
ed solicitude to see me, in great distress and anxiety 
of spirit, excited by various considerations, 1 went j 
from Hartford, and the same evening I visited him 
at his house at RadclifT. To my great satisfaction, 
I beheld in hira the pride and glory of all flesh abased* 



03 



and the Saviour, who was clothed in the seam* 
less robe, " whose hands and feet were pierced, ,, and 
whose head was crowned with thorns, exalted as the 
enly rock in the valley of death. How wonderful are 
the works of Jehovah ; " who maketh the city an heap, 
the defenced city a ruin," u the palace of strangers 
to be no city ;" and who causeth " the branch of the 
terrible to be brought low." 

11. After a sleepless night, I was four times over 
London Bridge, distressed in mind ; but in the even* 
ing, I experienced some access in spirit to the throne 
of grace, through the Mediator. 

16. In the week-day meeting, at HorsIydo\Vn 5 
heaviness and darkness were the covering. of my spi- 
rit ; however, some perceptions were attendant, that 
the Lord seeth through the thick darkness, and that 
the clouds cover not from him j they were rather 
suspended before the meeting closed. At night, 
walking over London Bridge, I was comforted with 
isome feeling of the preciousness of Christ; both 
with respect to his meritorious transactions without, 
and the internal operations of his power, as " the 
hope of glory." 

If. We visited my sister Scott, to whom I shew- 
ed some memoirs respecting what passed betwixt 
myself and my deceased brother, at our last interview ; 
she allowed their authenticity. A low day, much " in 
the valley of the shadow of death." 

IS. I attended the funeral of my brother, at Rad- 
cliff. When I readied my own apartmeuts, in Too- 



94 

!ey*street, I found divers letters from my friends* 
which afforded some consolation to my poor disconso* 
late spirit. 

21. In the forenoon meeting, at Hartford, some 
solemnity attended, with desires for sparing and 
forbearing mercy ; that I might yet praise the Lord 
in the land of the living, and the assemblies of the 
•people. 

23. A pretty comfortable day ; not without some 
lookings towards the land which is on the other side 
of Jordan. 

25. A cold snowy day, and tempestuous as to 
weather; but rather peaceable within. O ! that I may 
yet, as in the latest periods of human life, experience 
the cross of Christ inwardly prevailing, with a sense of 
his pardoning love for the manifold errors of my past 
life ; his love, indeed, " passeth knowledge," and is 
unsearchable as the deep. 

27. In the course of nature, the messenger on the 
pale horse must be near ; perhaps, as on the very 
threshhold of the door : may I experience death to be 
abolished, and life and immortality to be brought to 
light, through the gospel, which is the power of God 
unto salvation. 

31. In the week-day meeting, I was exercised in 
mental prayer and meditation; I hope measurably 
by the spirit that quickeneth. This being the last 
day in the year 1783, amidst various interruptions, I 
have reviewed the works of Jehovah, and his wonders 
in the deep : towards the close, a very affecting scene 



95 

was attendant in the visiting my brother John Scotfy 
on his death-bed. " Gather up the fragments that 
remain, that nothing be lost," was the command of 
our great master ; consistent with which, I esteem it 
my duty to preserve, and make known to some, the 
dying expressions of the deceased ; as a testimony to 
the cause of Christianity, and the power of Christ ; 
being fully persuaded that " there is no name given 
under heaven, or amongst men, whereby we must be 
saved," but the name of Jesus Christ : both as he was 
in the fulness of time manifested in the flesh, and as 
lie is declared in power to be the Son of God, accord- 
ing to the spirit of holiness, by thjp resurrection from 
the dead ; and Christ within, " the hope of glory," 
" the Lord our righteousness." In the evening, dur- 
ing a sitting in silence in a friend's house, I was fa- 
voured with a sense of that mercy, which I so much 
need, and so little deserve. 



First Month, 1784. 

1. This day, amidst bodily pains and various in- 
terruptions, hath been passed under some sense of 
the Divine Presence, " in the iiouse of my pilgrim- 
age ;" may the same be increased from day to day, 
until " mortality is swallowed up of life." " Walk 
before me, and be thou perfect;" was the command 
of God to Abraham, who was no legalist, but saw the 
day of Christ, and was glad. 



96 

$. A calm day within, and clear from those com- 
munications which gender to bondage. Thanks to 
the preserver of men. 

7. During most part of the week-day meeting, an 
exercise was continued to get near to Christ in spirit; 
and divers openings attended, respecting the advan- 
tage thereof; but I was fearful of imparting to others 
what might be only intended for myself. After* 
wards, in the Seal fields, some tenderness and com- 
punction of spirit was experienced before him, who 
" doth great things past finding out ; yea, and won- 
ders without number." 

8. In the evening, walking In the fields near Dun- 
kirks, these words, although 1 believe not precisely 
contained in Scripture, were impressed on my mind, 
with some savour and application, viz. the Lamb 
shdl be their leader. 

9. The Lamb shall be their leader. May the 
Lamb, who hath been slain from the foundation of 
fallen nature in man, overcome ; " angels, authorities, 
and powers being made subject to him." 

10. This week, various causes of sorrow have at- 
tended ; but not without a hope " in those mercies 
which are new every morning." 

17. An inward exercise was supported, with 
some degree of strength and freshness, during the 
fore part of the week j since, rather a relaxation 
therein has prevailed. 

20. In the week-day meeting, I sat under some 
sense of " that faith, which is by the operation of 
God." 



97 



30. For some time past, I have been employed in? 
a work which has long been before me, viz. the re- 
vising, correcting, and abridging my diary, which was 
begun in the year 1780. Wonderful have been the 
Lord's dealings with me, and his mercies, which can 
never be recounted. May the recording of thetn 
prove a way -mark to the weary ! 



Second Month, 1784. 

12. As I was getting into a chaise, I broke my 
shin ; by which means I was almost wholly confined 
within doors, until the 9th of the third month. At 
times I was thankful to " the Father of our Lord 
Jesus Christ, of whom the whole family in heaven 
and earth is named," that no more severe an inflic- 
tion had befallen me. 



Fourth Month, 1784. 

5. In the monthly meeting, the iniquities of my 
holy things were set in order before me ; particular- 
ly in concerns in the ministry and discipline. My 
most early appearances in the former were at a time, 
when pursuits of a different kind much engrossed my 
attention : in respect to the latter, there long existed 
a zeal, which was incompatible with true knowledge, 
and that fear of the Lord, which "is the beginning of 

K 



98 

wisdom; 55 instead of judgment there was frequently 
a cry, somewhat similar to what was formerly uttered, 
" Come with me, and see my zeal for the Lord." I 
much sought after the praise and approbation of faith- 
ful men, and I had my reward. But the Lord seeth 
not as man seeth, and "bringeth every work into 
judgment, with every secret thing. 55 " For judgment 
1 am come into this world,' 5 said the faithful and true 
witness ; and the spirit reproveth " of sin, of righte- 
©usness, and of judgment." May all, who are at ease 
in Zion, bow before him, who is " judge of quick and 
dead ;" that in the valley of Achor may be opened a 
door of hope. 

15. After a painful and troublesome night, with 
an old complaint, I was seized with severe spasms. 

16. This day was passed pretty inoffensively, yet 
not without room for amendment ; I will set a bridle 
before " the door of my lips :" if we were at all 
times careful so to do, we should often obtain strength 
in silence, and by our words be justified. 

21. The week-day meeting was a large, solid sit- 
ting, in silence ; the power of truth being measurably 
prevalent. 

22. This day was the election for the county of 
Hartford. Contested elections are very repugnant 
to the spirit of Christ ; concerning whom it was pre- 
dicted, that he should " not strive, nor cry, neither 
should any man hear his voice in the streets •" and 
Whose servants were " not to strive, but be gentle. 5 ' 
I was rather passive and indifferent concerning the 



99 



event : but, in those cases, it is almost impossible to 
avoid being, in some degree, interested ; although 
the preference may seem slight, and without any cul- 
pable interference. 

25. Walking in the evening, this petition was 
jnentally formed : O ! Lord, may I come to thee, and 
be thy disciple, as at the eleventh hour of the day. 



£ifth Month, 1784. 

2. I attended the general meeting at Crossbrook- 
street. Some desires attended, that the fiery roll of 
the Lord's indignation might be removed by, and 
through, Jesus Christ. These awful passages in holy 
writ were also renewed in my remembrance : that 
the Lord " will by no means clear the guilty ;" 
" every tree which bringeth not forth good fruit is 
hewn down, and cast into the fire. 3 * 

4. As I was coming out of the fields in the eve- 
ning, neither forewarned nor forearmed, I was attack- 
ed with a lit of impetuosity. There was indeed some 
cause of displeasure ; a lad, under my care, appear- 
ing guilty of prevarication — an enormous crime, 
which ought to be discouraged with a just severity : 
but alas i how far are my feet from being " shod 
with the preparation of the gospel of peace." 

5. Early in the morning, my mind was impressed 
with convictions for the turbulence of last evening, 
If my lot had been cast for ever in that hour of disor- 






100 

der, how tremendous would have been the event. 

Wraths, swellings, and tumults, are certainly the 
fruits of the flesh ; and although they may be pallia- 
ted by the false reasoner, are condemned by the 
" faithful and true witness." In the week-day meet- 
ing, my mind was as " the troubled sea;" but, from 
the centre of my soul, did there not a cry and secret 
sigh ascend to the Fountain of Being ? as it is written, 
" Deep calleth unto deep ;" " all thy waves and thy 
billows are gone over me ;" and again, " Deep call- 
eth unto deep." 

10. In the evening, I visited my long acquainted 
friend A. O. who appeared to be sensible of her ap- 
proaching dissolution, and resigned to the divine will. 
Speaking a few dry words, concerning Christ being 
the resurrection and the life, without an immediate 
feeling of his presence, they soon became my bur- 
then ; and I came home naked and wounded. 

11. Walking in Chelmsford, some breathings 
were begotten towards the Father of Spirits, through 
the Mediator ; who declared himself to be " the way, 
the truth, and the life ; whose spirit maketh inter- 
cession for us with groanings, which cannot be ut- 
tered;" and who prayeth for us, and in us, when we 
ourselves appear to be in a prayerless state, and un- 
able so much as to lift up our eyes towards heaven. 

13. On Porthill, some desires were renewed after 
him who is invisible, and the word of his power, 
" the spirit that quickeneth." 



101 

15. This week, bodily and mental pain have beea 
suspended : little advancement has been attained in 
grace and true godliness, nor in a lively experience 
of that gracious promise recorded in the 14th chapter 
of Hosea, viz. " I will be as the dew unto Israel : he 
shall grow as the lily, and cast forth his roots as Leba- 
non ;" nevertheless, the Christian life is a hidden life, 
and true believers " walk by faith, and not by sight." 
May not my faith be fancy, taken from the lives of 
other men, or barely from the letter of the Scripture ; 
but through " the operation of God," without which 
faith is dead, even " as the body without the spirit is 
dead." 

16. In the forenoon meeting, some words were 
uttered concerning being " buried with Christ by 
baptism into death." The matter was freshly and 
powerfully impressed, and uttered with a degree of 
clearness and satisfaction : M. P. was afterwards ac- 
ceptably led forth in supplication. Upon the whole. 
I hope it was a favoured and solemn season. 

19. In the week-day meeting, after sitting in bodi- 
ly and mental pain, I remembered, with a degree of 
freshness, our Saviour's turning the water into 
wine. O ! may he, by the rod of his everlasting 
strength, heal the waters of my affliction ; that the 
poor may have hope, and Jordan be driven back. 
Amen ! Amen ! 

21. This evening, departed this life, Ann Orger ; 
with whom I had been intimately acquainted forty- 
four years. Many of my friends are alreadv number- 

H 2 



102 



cd with the dead ; and the angel of death seems to be 
hovering over the habitations of those who are yet 
living. " It is appointed unto men once to die ;" and 
O ! the tremendous important consequence ; " but 
after this, the judgment ;" from which neither men 
nor angels can deliver, but only the Prince of Life : 
with whom is the water and the blood, the light and 
the atonement. 

22. By continued indisposition, I am this day pre- 
vented from going to Hitchin, in order to attend the 
funeral of our worthy friend, Isaac Sharpies, on the 
morrow. 

23. Although pained in body and low in mind, I 
found an inclination to sit with my friends in the 
forenoon-meeting at Hartford ; the gracious declara- 
tion of the Lord Jesus being renewed in my remem- 
brance, with a degree of light and power; viz. 
" Where two or three are gathered together in my 
name, there am I in the midst of them ;" some words 
were uttered, relative to his Almighty power, omni- 
presence, and priesthood. The meeting was smaller 
lhan usual ; many friends being gone from home to 
attend the funeral of our worthy friend, and minister 
#f Christ, Isaac Sharpies ; who was a Prince in Isra- 
el, not seeking to lord it over God's heritage ; but 
an ensample to the flock. Let the young and inex- 
perienced, amongst us, beware of that unrighteous 
leaven ; nor therein follow 7 the footsteps even of those 
who are, in many respects, " worthy of double ho- 
ur j" and whom they may esteem better than them- 



103 

selves. Jesus Christ only is the perfect unvarying 
example, and high priest of his people ; who himself 
was " meek and lowly in heart ;" and sought not his 
own honour, but the honour of him who sent him ; 
and of whom our friend was a faithful follower, ac- 
cording to " the measure of the stature of the fulness 
of Christ." 

26. Some injudicious interferences and confabula- 
tions of the members of our society, both formerly 
and of late, occurring to my remembrance, my mind 
became denied ; under the weight of which I sat 
down in the week-day meeting : but after some time 
of silent waiting, I was favoured clearly to perceive, 
that this must be purged by the baptism of him, 
" whose fan is in his hand ;" and scattered as " the 
chaff of the summer threshing floor ;" that we may 
be blind as the Lord's servant, and deaf as his mes- 
senger ; " seeing many things but observing them 
not." My mind became sensibly calmed, under a 
sense of his adorable mercies, and the gracious opera- 
tions of Him, a who giveth songs in the night ;" who 
imparteth light in darkness, and council in confu- 
sion ; " who maketh the clouds his chariots, who 
walketh upon the wings of the wind." Some, on whom 
the light hath measurably risen, have seen things 
w r rong ; and not waiting in self-nothingness, to see 
more light, a root of bitterness hath sprung up. 

27. At the funeral of Ann Orger, our friend 
Ralph Baimbridge was largely led forth, to demon- 
strate the necessity of t^e obediance of faith ix> the 



104 

divine principle; the grace which brings salvation, 
I am clearly convinced that, although salvation is only 
attainable through Christ the propitiation, yet we are 
ever under condemnation, whilst we are in a state of 
disobedience ; and are only justified in obedience to 
him, by whom we are sanctified. An evening of 
distress and perturbation, on account of myself and 
others. 



Sixth Month, 1784. 

1. This day four years, I began the recording oi 
experiences ; few and evil have been the days which 
have since elapsed. Inwardly and outwardly I have 
been cast down and lifted up ; and I now stand as it 
were on the brink of the grave, and the verge of an 
awful eternity. Measurably, morning by morning, 
" he awakeneth mine ear to hear, as the learned ;" 
" neither turned I away back." His salvation hath 
been my desire, and a part in his covenant. , In un- 
searchable wisdom all his works are wrought. If the 
sons of Belial had been thrust away, peradventure I 
might have increased ; but not in the increase of God. 
He is justified in all his ways ; great and marvellous 
are all his works ; righteousness belongs to him ; 
but to me, shame and confusion of face. May his 
goodness be more gloriously manifested before I die, 
and his name internally proclaimed ; " the Lord God, 



105 

gracious and merciful, 5 ' " forgiving iniquity, transgres- 
sion, and sin." 

16. This evening our friend Rebecca Wright, of 
North America, with her companion, M. R. came to 
our house. Myself and wife were with them at Hart- 
ford, Ware, and Hitchin ; in which meetings, their 
ministrations were well accepted. 

19. Walking this evening in the meadows near 
Hitchin town, in great lowness of body and mind, 
these words were immediately suggested, viz. Jesus* 
the fairest of ten thousand. A bare and lifeless re- 
membrance of them, only now remains ; but, at the 
time, the impression of them was so powerful, as to 
produce tears of contrition : a favour I had not expe- 
rienced in my rural retirements for many days. The 
rich and the full loathe even the honeycomb ; but to 
the poor and contrite ones, the smallest crumbs 
which fall from the Master's table are precious ; in* 
estimably so. 

23. In the week-day meeting, I was favored with 
some sensations of Christ Jesus ; " the same yester- 
day, to-day, and for ever ;" and his gracious opera- 
tions in the flesh, and in the spirit, as one Lord Jesus ; 
God blessed for ever. 

28, Walking in the fields, some sensations were 
livingly impressed concerning the efficacy of the 
blood of Jesus Christ, which was shed without the 
gates of Jerusalem ; and as manifested within, 
" sprinkleth from an eyil conscience," and purgeth 
from all sin. 



A 



106 



Seventh Month, 1784. 

4. In the forenoon meeting, some unexpected 
glimpses of light and divine intelligence being im* 
parted^ with a pointing to those present, a short tes- 
timony was delivered, concerning the blindness of 
man ; and to the Lord Jestis Christ, as a glorious light, 
who leadeth the blind by a way that they know not, 
and in paths which they have not known ; who maketh 
darkness light, " and crooked things straight." 

7. J* K. having delivered a short testimony, a few 
•words were added, recommending poverty of spi- 
rit ; according to that which is written ; " Blessed 
are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of hea- 
ven." 

18. I went to the forenoon meeting much indispo* 
sed, both in body and mind : for a season, death was 
in dominion ; but before the close, a degree of re- 
collection was witnessed in solemn silence : a renew- 
ed testimony was also internally impressed, to the 
weakness of man ; and to His strength, who, only, 
"girdeth with power;" "the confidence of all the 
ends of the earth, and of them who are afar off upon 
the sea :" but nothing was verbally expressed. 

20. As I was going up to London in a chaise, the 
following sentiment was immediately suggested, 
nothing previously leading thereto ; viz. the error of 
the Predestinarians and Necessitarians, and of those 
called Pelagians and Free-willers, arises from the 



107 

endeavouring to comprehend him who is incompre- 
hensible, whose understanding is unsearchable ; and 
to measure his declarations and testimonies, which 
only make " wise the simple," with the declarations 
and proceedings of fallible and finite beings ; to mea- 
sure his ways, who " giveth not account of any of his 
matters," to the wise and prudent, but only to babes : 
according as it is written, " thou thoughtest I was al- 
together such an one as thyself; but I will reprove 
thee," and set thine errors in order before thine 
eyes. 

21. A mistaken zeal and supposed moderation 
(falsely called charity), although opposite in their 
appearances, frequently proceed from the same 
cause ; even in vessels measurably sanctified , viz. 
the want of " being buried with Christ by baptism 
into death :" that not only the earth in them might 
be shaken, but the heavens also : instead of which 
there hath been, frequently, fruitless and unsanctified 
efforts to engraft the remains of the first Adam into 
the plant which is of an immortal nature : " this di- 
vides in Jacob, and scatters in Israel" 

23. In the course of the present week, I received 
a recent proof of a few words being sufficient for the 
ministry, and as apples of gold set in pictures of sil- 
ver : for at a sitting at T. B's, our beloved friend G. 
• D. expressing only the following sentence, viz. " in 
my Father's house are many mansions ;" " I go to 
prepare a place for you j" there appeared more gf a 



108 

ministry in them (to myself at least) than sometimes 
in a multitude of words. 



Eighth Month, 1784. 

I. First day. Samuel Nottingham having had 
lively and acceptable service in the forenoon meeting 
at Horslydown, I was enabled, in a subsequent space 
of solemn silence, internally to plead for mercy, with 
the fountain of mercy ; to whom mercy, unlimited 
mercy, sovereign mercy, belongs. Some men are of 
a merciful forgiving disposition, and blessed are 
they : but as a mole-hill to a mountain, as a drop to 
the ocean ; so are the mercies of men, in comparison 
of his, " who dwelt in the bush, when the " bush 
burned, and was not consumed." 

7. As I was walking over London bridge, my mind 
was powerfully impressed with a consideration, that 
the time of my natural life being so far spent, every 
day, every hour, every moment, is a mercy ; that, if 
possible, I might redeem the time ; because the days 
are few and evil. 

II. This week has, for the most part, been passed 
pretty comfortably ; the fruits of that righteousness, 
" which is sown in peace,'* having, for the most part, 
been prevalent until this morning ; when petulance 
sorrowfully prevailed. The usual plea for petulance 
is provocation ; but what provocation can be pleaded, 
as a sufficient cause for transgressing the royal law 



109 

of love? Where are the fruits of that " charity which 
suffereth long ;" which, instead of being easily pro- 
voked, u beareth all things." Where is " the gentle- 
ness and meekness of Christ Jesus ;" " who, when he 
was reviled, reviled not again ; but committed him- 
self to him that judgeth righteously ?" Consequently, 
I went to the week-day meeting under condemnation ; 
which was measurably alleviated under the ministry 
of our worthy friend, Samuel Nottingham ; whom, 
after dinner, I accompanied to Dunkirk's farm ; 
where, in the days of our youth, we were both fre- 
quently at the house of our deceased friend, Thomas 
Grubb ; who was a tender nursing father to those 
who loved the truth, but hath long since been re- 
moved from works to rewards ; having, in the meri- 
dian of human life, " fallen asleep in Christ," 

12, In the forenoon, myself and wife went with 
our beloved friend, S. N. in a chaise, to Ware ; a 
meeting there being appointed at Samuel's request, 
in which he particularly enlarged, in an evangelical 
ministry ; and after his having been exercised in 
supplication, a solemnity in silence covered the as- 
sembly, uncommon in these low and degenerate 
days. An eminent dissenting minister who was 
present, on his going out, addressed Samuel in a 
very affectionate manner ; and others, not of our so- 
ciety, expressed their satisfaction. 

13. This forenoon, myseif and wife accompanied 
our friend S. N. in a chaise to Hitchin; he had lod- 
ged at our house four nights, and been chiefly with 

L 



110 

us in the day time, much to our satisfaction ; his mi- 
nisterial exercise having been not only lively and 
evangelical, but his conduct and conversation com- 
fortable and edifying. 

15. First day. Myself and wife set out about 
seven in a chaise ; and baiting at Hitchin, proceeded 
to the general meeting at Clifton ; and reached Hart- 
ford about nine in the evening. Notwithstanding the 
length of the journey, and excessive heat of the 
weather, I came home without languor or weariness ; 
an admirable and adorable mercy. The meeting was 
large, many of other professions being present ; 
some of whom appeared sober and serious, but others 
restless enough : S. Crawley, H. Kite, and Samuel 
Nottingham, respectively, appeared in testimony. 
The members of our society are too generally " un- 
circumcised in heart and ear ;" yet to the posterity 
of a people once highly favored, " is the dew of hea- 
ven" frequently diffused, both in a ministerial and im- 
mediate manner, in their assemblies : from whence I 
am persuaded, did not their goodness pass away " as 
a morning cloud, and as the early dew," the Lord of 
infinite mercy would make many of them as polished 
shafts in his quiver $ and in his quiver would he hide 
them. For many weeks past, both in a spiritual and 
corporeal sense, my days have been passed in weak- 
ness, and wearisome nights have been my allotment ; 
but for a short time immediately preceding, my sor- 
rows have been rather alleviated. Although great 
has been my spiritual poverty, and manifold my de- 






in 

fects ; yet in some good degree I have been enabled 
to seek the Lord, and the word of his holiness : " I 
have sought him, but I have found him not." Never- 
theless, if " he standeth behind the wall, if he look- 
eth forth at the windows, shewing himself through 
the lattice," adoration and thanks are due to him for 
ever. 

18. In the week-day meeting, those present were 
persuaded to an introversion of spirit; that being 
turned from a state of natural darkness, to the in- 
shining of divine light, they might not only receive 
remission of sins, but u have this treasure, in earthen 
vessels." During most of the sitting, a degree of ex- 
ercise, which had been recommended to others, was 
experienced in my own particular. 

22. The forenoon meeting was large, but wholly 
silent ; some inward exercises and openings were at- 
tendant : in the afternoon I was strongly assailed 
with a spirit of heaviness ; but, ere I was aware, a de- 
sire was raised, that we might be " quickened together 
with Christ ;" and a short testimony borne to that pow- 
er, which is able to quicken the dead. 

28. My bodily health and strength have, for some 
weeks, been rather increasing ; but a fresh attack of 
a local complaint has been this week renewed ; so as 
to threaten a danger of dissolution. But what shall I 
say ? I said in my youth, My days are as an hair's 
breadth ; but, behold the Lord hath made them a span 
long ; my times are still in his hand, who can scatter 
every cloud, and make mercy to rejoice againsi 



Y 



112 

judgment ; and his own works to praise him. Recql* 
lection, and spiritual reading, have, this week, been not 
wholly omitted. 

29. Both meetings were held in silence : in the 
forenoon some solemnity attended ; and various illu- 
sions to passages in the Old Testament were immedir 
ately suggested, respecting the necessity of our as- 
cent in spirit, from that which is visible to that which 
is invisible ; from earth to heaven, in and by Christ, 
the heavenly Elijah, the prophet, and high-priest; 
who hath consecrated for us anew and living way 
through the veil, that is to say, his flesh. 

31. In the evening, as I walked in the fields, I re- 
membered the Lord, and his loving kindnesses, which 
have been of old, and his compassions, which have 
been renewed every morning : that balm of Gilead, 
and never-failing medicine for the diseased in body or 
spirit, only administered by the Mediator, who, him- 
self, in the days of his flesh, took our infirmities, and 
bare our sicknesses ; and remains unchangeably the 
physician, and high-priest of his people ; " Christ Je- 
sus, the same yesterday, to-day, and for ever j" " God 
over all, blessed for ever, Amen." 



Ninth Month, 1784. 

1. This day commenced the ninth month in the 
year 1784. Thanks are due for the preservations 
and upliftings of the last ; if life, and a, degree of 



113 



health, are vouchsafed to the conclusion of the pre- 
sent, may an offering be prepared to him, who delivers 
from evil ; a/id a tribute of thanks to the " Preserver 
of men/' 

4. The most part of this week, bodily pains have 
been relaxed ; and desires after " the increase, which 
is of God," have been freshly renewed : this day, I 
spoke unadvisedly, and closed the week under con- 
demnation. 

5. Notwithstanding, in the night and morning, 
I suffered compunction, for the errors of the preced- 
ing day, before I went to meeting, a religious calm 
covered my spirit ; which was measurably maintain - 
ed during the course of three succeeding meetings, 
under a sense of immense and unmerited obligations 
to divine grace and providence. More often than the 
morning, I desire an advancement in the paths of 
peace and piety ; but iniquities prevail against me, 
and because of them, I am wounded as with tho 
wound of an enemy ; with the chastisements of a cru- 
el one. My wounds are grievous, but are they" in- 
curable ; is there not yet balm in Gilead ? is not the 
God of peace able to bruise satan under my feet ? that 5 
before I die, " mercy and truth may meet, and righte- 
ousness and peace kiss each other," to the glory of 
him, who is God over all, blessed for ever. 

6. In going to the monthly meeting at Bunting- 
ford, some exercise attended for reconciliation and 
forgiveness, because of sin ; which was continued,, 

with enlargement, during a considerable space of 

t 2 



114 

time spent in solemn silence. The business of tlie 
meeting was afterwards transacted in peace and love ; 
and, I hope, measurably in the wisdom of truth. Why- 
am I thus ? Jacob and Esau are yet within. May 
the elder serve the younger ! may " Jacob become a 
flame, and the house of Esau as stubble I" 

19. In the forenoon meeting, I was led to contem- 
plate on the super-excellence of the teachings of 
Christ, " the minister of the sanctuary ;" who, by 
the selfsame spirit, divideth himself, severally, to 
every man as he will. 

23. Having sent for some small tracts, on reli- 
gious subjects, particularized in Lackington's cata- 
logue, 1 was rather impatient for their delivery, as 
hoping to derive some spiritual comfort and edifica- 
tion in the perusal of them ; I " looked for much, but 
lo ! it came to little :" so vain and precarious arc 
all expectations and dependencies, that are not upon 
the all-plenary source of instruction and help, the 
fountain which never faileth ; from whence every 
good and perfect gift proceeds. 

25. This week I perused the sixth and seventh 
numbers of the Theological Miscellany. I found in 
some of the more early numbers some instructive 
essays, comporting with that doctrine, which is ac- 
cording to godliness ; but there appearing in the 
sixth number an essay, tending to deprive believers 
of an inestimable privilege, purchased by the Re- 
deemer's blood, I esteem it my duty " to contend 
for the faith which was once delivered to the suints." 



115 

The purport of the essay is, to represent the spirit, 
which giveth life, inseparable from the letter, which 
kills ; to render the means equal with the cause ; to 
depreciate the heavenly oracle, which is within ; and 
to limit him, whose understanding is unsearchable, 
and who 4C giveth not account of any of his matters." 
Whence learned this author, save from popish school- 
men, that the canon of scripture is closed ; and that 
no revelations are now necessary to render the things, 
which are already revealed, effectual to the conver- 
sion of sinners, the consolation of saints, and the sal- 
vation of souls ? By the doctrine which is according 
to godliness, the Scriptures appear to be a declaration 
of the things which were, and are, "most surely, be- 
lieved ; profitable for doctrine, reproof, correction, 
and instruction in righteousness :" that the man x>f 
God may be perfected through that faith which is in 
Christ Jesus; which faith " is the gift of God," who 
hath shined in the hearts of believers, " to give them 
the light of the knowledge of the glory of God, in 
the face of Christ Jesus." Which divine light and 
knowledge, and not the bare letter, as an outward 
testimony of the truth, is the treasure which believers 
have in their " earthen vessels, that the excellency 
of the power may be of God," and not of any means 
in itself, however glorious. Again, says the author, 
" common sense, a bible, and a right spirit, will al- 
ways inform a Christian what is his present duty." 
The spirit of Christ only is a right spirit, to whom 
righteousness alene belongs ; which, he promised his 



lis 

immediate followers, should guide them into all 
truth, and shew them things to come ; which promise 
of the Holy Ghost, his office, and constant abiding 
with the saints, was not to them only ; but, according 
to the express testimony of an apostle, " to their chil- 
dren, and to all them that were afar off ; even as 
many as the Lord our God shall call." Notwithstand- 
ing the errors of the author, in confining the spirit 
to the letter ; and the word, which " was in the be- 
ginning with God," to the words which he hath spo- 
ken ; pertinent are the cautions contained in the es- 
say, against an anxious solicitude in the saints re- 
specting future events ; or too hasty and positive de- 
terminations on inward feelings and impulses, either 
respecting themselves or others. It is " the spirit 
which beareth witness," and its witness is invariably 
true : but many have been the mistakes of believers, 
respecting what hath been the testimonies and im- 
pulses of the spirit, and those of their own inflated 
imaginations : the spirit is infalliable, but man is fal- 
lible. The Lord can speak internally, with a voice 
full of power ; but, if he speaketh otherwise, " who 
shall say unto him, what doest thou I" In wisdom all 
his words are spoken ; that the faith and patience of 
the saints may be approved, and that in the silence of 
all flesh, the trumpet may give a certain sound. The ; 
misapprehensions of men, respecting the spirit's 
teaching, operate no more against its validity and 
sufficiency, than their manifold errors in respect to 
the doctrines contained in Scripture, against the dl- 



117 

vinity and authenticity of those sacred truths. The 
Holy Scriptures, and the testimonies contained in 
them, as opened by the Lord, the spirit, are inestima- 
bly precious ; and, according to the eternal counsel 
of God, necessary for the building up of the saints, 
in the most holy faith : but let us not equalize the 
means with the cause, nor derogate from the power 
and glory of the Father, the word, and the Holy 
Ghost ; one God blessed for ever. 

26. Early in the forenoon meeting, without any 
apparent cause, darkness came over me; but the 
sitting soon became more luminous and comfortable ; 
M. P. ministering with much acceptance. 

23. Walking to Queen's Bench, these words were 
impressed with power, — although I am nothing, 
" Christ is all :" I was measurably relieved and ten- 
dered in spirit* 

30. Being under some religious exercise, on 
opening the Bible, the words of the Psalmist were 
immediately presented to my view; u remember not 
the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions : accord- 
ing to thy mercy, remember thou me, for thy good- 
ness sake, O Lord !" they were particularly suitable 
to my state ; for manifold were the errors, even of 
my religious youth, seeking the praise of some good 
men, but despising others, and smiting them with 
the tongue. May I obtain mercy and forgiveness I 
for I did it ignorantly, in a zeal for God, but not ac- 
cording to true knowledge. But let all the young* 



118 

and tender ones, the called and visited of God, be* 
ware of the mystery of iniquity. 



Tenth Moxth, 1784. 

4. . At the monthly meeting, altogether unexpect- 
edly, came in our worthy friend G. D. late of Bur- 
lington, in North America : in the evening, I and my 
wife accompanied him, with many other friends, to a 
meeting appointed at Ware ; in which he ministered 
with much acceptance. 

5. The aforesaid friend attended a meeting ap- 
pointed at Hartford, and, in the evening, another at 
Hoddesdon ; in both of which he was much favored 
in his ministerial labours. This day, after dinner, I 
was seized with a violent spasm, which was renewed 
with such violence in going to Hoddesdon, as seemed 
to indicate the feelings of approaching death. I was 
almost miraculously favored to sit the meeting easi- 
ly ; but afterwards my pains returned. 

6. After attending our week-day meeting, dear G. 
D. left Hartford. By his late extensive labours 
amongst us, he has shewn the proofs of an evangeli- 
cal ministry ; as a skilful workman, rightly dividing 
the word of truth, not seeking to gather the people 
to any thing of man, but to an experimental know- 
ledge of the gift of God ; " the mystery hid from ages 
and generations ; M " Christ in them the hope of glory. 9 ' 



% 



119 

21. At the quarterly meeting at London, I sat 
down in Iowness of flesh and spirit ; but after some 
time, I was enabled to remember him, who giveth 
" songs in the night," and who can irradiate the dark 
valley of the shadow of death. 

13. Walking in the Grange, I remembered the 
days of my childhood and youth ; since which " my 
sorrows have been turned upon me:" but "Jesus, 
the first and the last, the same yesterday, to-day, and 
for ever, died fcr us j" " that whether we wake or 
sleep, we might live together w T ith him." 

18. A pretty easy, but low day: little being felt 
of those everlasting healings, which are under the 
wing of Emanuel. 

19. I sat down in the week-day meeting, at Hors- 
lydown, in great weakness and poverty of spirit ; but, 
pretty soon, the forgiveness proposed by our blessed 
Lord, when he said, " If you forgive men their tres- 
passes, then will your heavenly Father also forgive 
you," w r as sudddenly impressed, and much illustra- 
ted in my mind, but not expressed. 1 would not will- 
ingly " conceal the words of the Holy One," but am 
discouraged from speaking in the assemblies of the < 
people , not so much because of them, but, rather, 
because I have not hitherto completely obtained vic- 
tory over the enemies of my own house. May I, in 
my declining years, and in great debility of flesh and 
spirit, be still enabled to " press after the mark for 
the prize of the high calling of God, in Christ 
Jesus." 



12© 

26, Unprofitable confabulations having prevailed 
in the morning, I went to the week-day meeting at 
Horslydown in terror ; inhere it being suddenly sug- 
gested, without much expectation or illustration, that 
Christ is the Mediator of the covenant of grace, my 
mind became measurably calmed. When every re- 
fuge fails, the Lord is able to relieve the disconso- 
late soul, that is tossed with tempests, and driven to 
the ends of the earth. The meeting was wholly 
silent. 

30. This month, bodily pains and severe spasms 
have been often attendant ; " the earthly house of 
this tabernacle' 5 has been shaken ; no growth in 
grace and goodness has been perceptibly experien- 
ced ; satan having been at my right hand to resist 
me. 

31. In the afternoon meeting at Hartford, former 
openings, which had been presented with freshness, 
were remembered ; but they were as the manna of 
yesterday. 



Eleventh Month, 1784. 

6. My bodily health seems measurably recovered, 
indispositions having been wonderfully suspended ; 
but I have been greatly deficient in a tribute of praise 
to the Preserver of men ; according to the import of 
that which is written, " he that offereth praise, glo- 
rifieth me j and to him, who ordereth i*is con versa- 



121 

tion aright, will I shew of my salvation." 

13. This week, " the fruits of righteousness have 
been measurably sown in peace." 

14. Although attended with various discourage- 
ments, I found an inclination to attend the forenoon 
meeting at Gracechurch street ; and soon after sit- 
ting down, my mind was freed from dismay, and dip- 
ped into a fresh sense of that introversion and spi- 
ritual worship in self-nothingness and prostration, 
which we, as a people, peculiarly profess : sundry pas- 
sages in holy writ, relative thereto, were livingly 
opened ; and the exercise was continued through 
the course of the meeting, under divers testimonies 
which were delivered. A sabbath day ! a memora- 
ble day ! some sense of divine favour presiding 
through the whole. 

16. At HorsIydow r n week-day meeting, I was 
measurably relieved, by a word internally imparted, 
and under the ministry of G. D. 

28. A day of distress in the valley of vision, from 
my own unfitness to be unclothed of mortality. I 
was under great condemnation, because of " deeds 
done in the body," particularly for the errors of ad- 
vanced years ; the too frequent prevalence of petu- 
lance, and the too great indulgence of my appetite 
in eating and drinking : errors overlooked and pal- 
liated by men, but marked by Him, " whose eyes arc 
as a flame of fire ;" who " searcheth the heart, and 
trieth the reins," and hath declared, " If any man will 

be my disciple, let him deny himself, and take up 
M 



122 

his cross, and follow me :" which following of the Son 
of Man in the regeneration consists not only in suf- 
fering, for his sake, the reproach of men ; but also in 
the mortification of our propensities, in the things 
which may be esteemed lawful by men, but are con- 
demned by Him, who seeth not as man seeth. When 
I review my want of a due allegiance to the Saviour 
of men herein, my heart meditates terror, and my ini- 
quities are a heavy burthen before him, who is a " just 
God and a Saviour ;" who will not acquit the guilty, 
nor suffer sin to go unpunished. 



Twelfth Month, 1784. 

4. This week, having been pretty much confined, 
by reason of a humour in my leg, I hope that, through 
the aboundings of divine grace, I have been measura- 
bly enabled to seek for that which I was concerned 
to recommend to others the last time I appeared in 
public, viz. the seeking for heavenly " treasure in our 
earthen vessels." I have also had an opportunity of 
being much exercised in reading the Holy Scriptures, 
and other pious and experimental treatises. My pre- 
sent confinement is indeed a chastening not joyous, 
but yet to be received with thanksgiving, if in any de- 
gree it may be productive of the "peaceable fruits 
of righteousness." O ! may I, as at the eleventh hour 
of the day, and during the present dispensation, be 
enabled more faithfully and fervently to feel after that 



123 

salvation, which is only ^through Jesus Christ, the 
fountain set open, for remission and sanctification, 
whose blood " cleanseth from all sin." 

The great concern was measurably kept in sight, 
with some liftings up of head towards the light of 
Israel, who can yet open a door of hope in the valley 
of the shadow of death. 

13, 14, 15, and 16. Were spent in pain and low- 
ness ; but not without some lookings to the great 
Physician of soul and body, " who, himself, took our 
infirmities, and bare our sicknesses." The nights 
have been so exceedingly distressing, through acute 
pains of the rheumatism, that a religious exercise up- 
on my bed has been impeded by them ; but, however, 
" to will has been present with me ;" and the Lord is 
gracious to accept according to that which a man 
hath, even according to the ability which He afford- 
eth, from whom every good gift cometh. 

19. First day. Our well-beloved friends, S. E. 
and G. D. having an evening meeting at Horslydown, 
although absent in body through indisposition, I was 
desirous of being present in spirit; in the invisible 
fellowship, by which the children of God, however 
scattered abroad, are gathered together in one. The 
following portions of scripture were immediately 
opened, and impressed upon my mind, with a de- 
gree of strength and clearness, viz. " I will bring 
the blind by a way that they know not, and in paths 
which they have not known : I will make darkness 
light before them, and crooked things straight. These 



124 

things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." 
" I will go before thee, and break in pieces the gates 
©f brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron ; and I 
will give thee the treasures of darkness, and the hidden 
riches of secret places." When barely read or re- 
peated, how ineffectual are even the words contained 
in the bible ; but when they are opened by their di- 
vine Original, they are as honey from the rock ; yea, 
sweeter than the honey-comb. 

20. This day I was informed of the decease of my 
dear and worthy friend Thomas Hartley, who depart- 
ed this life the 10th instant. I had been personally 
acquainted with him for more than nine years : we 
were very dissimilar in our natural dispositions, and 
in our sentiments respecting various points ; in others, 
we were firmly united ; our union being more in the 
spirit, than the letter ; the inward, than the outward. 
He was a man of unaffected piety, great sincerity, 
and exquisite sensibility ; deeply suffering under a 
sense of his own defects in particular, and of the de- 
pravity of fallen nature in the general ; following a 
crucified Saviour in the regeneration, according to 
his measure, there is abundant cause for a comforta- 
ble hope, that he now rests from his labours, " where 
the wicked cease from troubling, and the weary are 
at rest/' 

23. The awful declaration which was formerly 
pronounced, " I tell ye, 1 know ye not, whence 
ye are ; depart from me all ye workers of iniquity ," 



/ 






125 

being impressed on my mind, caused trembling of 
spirit. 

25. The great mystery of godliness ought to be 
ever before us. This day being set apart for the 
commemoration of the birth of Christ, " when the 
word was made flesh," when he took upon him not 
the nature of angels, but the seed of Abraham ; it 
may recall our attention to that stupendous transac- 
tion of divine love. Nevertheless, the superstitious 
observation of days and times being introduced in the 
apostacy, it is our duty to maintain a testimony against 
it, in the " meekness of wisdom :" an inward exer- 
cise was supported in weakness. 

31. I received a lively and sensible letter from M. 
P. it afforded some consolation to my disconsolate 
mind, that some remain, who are travelling together 
with me, under a sense of their imperfections, and 
shortness of having attained to " the measure of the 
stature of the fulness of Christ." 



First Month, 1785. 

i. "Great is the mystery of godliness;" the 
riches of the glory of this mystery is, " Christ in you, 
the hope of glory," The books of Matthew, Mar k, 
Luke and John, with the apostolic epistles, are a 
faithful declaration of the gospel ; which is the power 
of God unto salvation," of poor, naked, starving, un- 
done sinners in themselves ; who, as our ancient 
M2 



126 

Mend John Crook justly observes, " seeing their own 
righteousness to be a filthy thing, are the proper sub- 
jects of Christ's righteousness, which is not attaina- 
ble by any creaturely skill or self-imputation ; but only 
by the applicatory gift of divine grace, and through 
that living faith, which works by love to the purify- 
ing of the heart." Upon this holy thing ought we to 
be attending continually, in our meetings and out of 
them, at all times and in all places ; that the pearl of 
everlasting price may be found within, as " treasure 
in our earthen vessels j" that Christ " may be form- 
ed in us, and we completed in him, who is the head 
of all principality and power :" the purport of the 
above being opened upon my bed, and fastened as a 
nail in a sure place, the same is recorded. Towards 
evening my brook became dry, and the savour of the 
above opening was removed. 

6. This day was passed pretty comfortably, under 
home distant perceptions of the divine presence, in 
which only is life and comfort. 

9. First day. How dreadful is a prayerless state I 
when the poor soul is left naked and wounded, a prey 
to the indignant propensities of fallen nature, and se- 
parate from the salutary rays of a Mediator. To some, 
by these memoirs, though true, I may be judged a 
deceiver ; others may judge me to be a weak and un- 
steady mail ; very unfit to teach others. " He that is 
ready to slip with his feet is as a lamp despised in the 
thought of him who is at ease :" but let such who 
possess fortitude and resignation consider those who 



127 

are swallowed up of overmuch sorrow, and learn what 
that meaneth, " I will have mercy, and not sacrifice ;" 
" I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to 
repentance." And O ! may the reality of righteous- 
ness and peace, and not a bare semblance of them, be 
multiplied and abound among us, that the Lord of 
Hosts may become a spirit of " strength to them that 
turn the battle to the gate." 

13. In the morning, on my bed, the desire of my 
soul was towards the " Messenger of the covenant," 
and that He might suddenly come to his temple, 
who is as a purifier of silver, and as the fuller's 
soap." 

15. We were visited by our dear and worthy 
friends, S. E. and G. D. who, in their religious ex- 
ercises, were enabled to reach to the oppressed seed, 
which " is pressed down as a cart with sheaves." 

18. After having been, for many weeks, confined 
by the rheumatism, I was enabled to attend the week- 
day meeting at Horslydown ; but when there, instead 
of the tribute of praise for the manifold preservations 
which had been vouchsafed, heaviness was the cloth- 
ing of my spirit ; and the awful inquiry was suggest- 
ed, " despisest thou the riches of that goodness, for- 
bearance, and long-suffering," which should lead 
thee to repentance ? Nevertheless, there was a some- 
thing of a waiting on the Lord in the way of his judg- 
ments, and of a solemnity which was as a song in the 
-night. 



128 

23. First day. Reading some memoirs of the 
cruel sufferings inflicted by the magistrates and mi- 
nisters of Boston upon the early baptists in that coun- 
try, this remark was attendant ; how dreadful have 
been the devastations and scandals occasioned by a 
false and furious zeal, even by those, who, in many 
respects, have beeu reputed pious when they depart- 
ed from that charity by which all the members of the 
body, however diversified, are edified together, " and 
grow up in all things, into him who is the head, even 
Christ I" 

29. A pretty comfortable day, passed under some 
internal sense of the divine presence, and a convic- 
tion that the Lord is a God near at hand, who hears 
the prayers of the poor. At the Park evening meet- 
ing, there was a giant in the way ; but a degree of vic- 
tory was experienced in an inward exercise. 

30. The forenoon meeting was small, and wholly 
-silent ; from the early part to the close, my mind was 
exercised respecting the necessity and nature of in- 
ward silent prayer, and with various openings relative 
thereto ; but I esteemed it much more preferable to 
experience something of it in my own particular, than 
to speak of it to others. 



Second Month, I7S5. 

4. This week I have been low, as to the divine 
life ; nevertheless, some inward exercise and reforma* 



129 

tien from unnecessary speaking has been experien- 
ced ; every deliverance from evil, even in what may 
be esteemed minute and inconsiderable instances, is 
a mercy not of works, but of grace ; which teacheth 
to deny ungodliness. 

11. I came to Hartford, after having been absent 
therefrom more than two months. Before I arose, I 
had some sensations of a living faith in Christ, as he 
was the one offering, which hath for ever perfected 
them who are sanctified; and as he is revealed within, 
the sanctifier of his people, " and their hope of 
jlory." 

12. This week I have remembered the Lord upon 
my bed, and measurably meditated on him in the 
morning watches. 

17. Walking towards Dunkirks in the snow, I 
was favoured with some sense of God that made me, 
and desires after more communion with him, through 
the Mediator, who " is the way, the truth, and the 
life." My spirit was measurably tendered and hum- 
bled in the presence of Him, " who dwelt in the 
bush ;" it is certainly our incumbent duty to be dili- 
gent in the attendance of meetings, and not through 
lukewarmness and indifference to neglect the as- 
sembling of ourselves together, for the purposes of 
divine worship in a collective capacity : yet herein is 
a danger of a zeal which is not according to true 
knowledge, and of laying too great a stress upon the 
attendance, and feeding, as it were, upon the bare 
outward act. Particularly erroneous and blameable 



130 

are those of the Romish and episcopal communities, 
in calling their places for worship, " the houses of 
God ; H . and endeavouring to inculcate a veneration 
for those edifices. Wherever the divine presence 
is manifested, whether it is in the open fields, the 
secret chamber, or elsewhere, the language of the 
patriarch Jacob may with propriety be adopted ; 
" this is none other but the house of God, and this is 
the gate of heaven." " What shall I render to the 
Lord for all his benefits ?" 

19. " What owest thou to thy Lord 1" was a query 
formerly proposed. We are all as bankrupts : we 
owe much, and have nothing to pay with ; and are 
destined to everlasting perdition for our debts, unless 
with the man who owed the ten thousand talents, we 
are not only forgiven, but graciously supplied by Him, 
in whose hand is the wine and the oil, the light and | 
the atonement, and the unsearchable riches of an 
everlasting inheritance. Notwithstanding the se- 
verity of the weather, I have hitherto been, since my 
late confinement, free from rheumatic returns, and 
some customary complaints ; I have likewise been at 
times favoured with some sensations of the divine 
preservation from evil. 

20. In the forenoon meeting, some words were 
spoken respecting that state of nothingness and de- 
pendence, in which we ought to attend our religious 
meetings; in order to wait for "the promise of the 
Holy Ghost," and the pouring forth of the spirit 
from on high. 



131 

21. A pretty comfortable day; some ascent in 
spirit being experienced towards the mountain of 
the Lord's holiness. Without a vital, internal holi- 
ness, no man shall see the Lord. 

27. I sat down in the forenoon meeting in a state 
of utter insensibility respecting spiritual things; 
but pretty soon some sense of that effectual prayer, 
which availeth much, covered my mind ; w T hich, 
with some matter relative to the exercise thereof, 
seemed almost ripe for utterance ; but the weight of 
the pointing to speak seeming rather to abate, I re- 
mained in silence ; but I hope the opening was, in 
some degree, profitable to myself, and also to others. 



Third Month, 1785. 

1. As to the outward, was passed pretty fairly : 
we had what I have sometimes called the " gospel 
feast;" and some of the poor were partakers of the 
benefit. Before dinner, I set out v for a walk with my 
wife and S. R. but was soon disposed ,to leave them 
for the sake of retirement ; sitting under a tree, the 
gracious promise recorded in the 40th chapter of 
Isaiah was freshly brought to my remembrance ; 
videlicet, " they that wait upon the Lord shall re- 
new their strength." I greatly marvel that any who 
have experienced the benefit, the unspeakable bene- 
fit resulting from retirement, should be so fond of 
company : the true friend is in the heart, the spouse 



132 

who is always jealous: the strength of Israel "is 
not a man that he should lie, nor the Son of Man 
that he should repent ;" " He is the everlasting 
strength of the poor, and refuge for the needy in his 
distress." 

2. In the week-day meeting a short testimony 
was borne to Him, who is the " Tower of the flock, 
and the strong hold of the daughter of Zion." 

5. The assizes for the county were held this week, 
and seven of my fellow men were destined to death, 
l>y the decision of an earthly tribunal ; erroneous and 
mistaken the Calvinists appear, in supposing aH 
Adam's posterity are subjected to the penalty of 
death, spiritual, temporal and eternal, through the de- 
fault of their original progenitor ; from him, in- 
deed, they derive a fallen nature, "prone to evil as 
the sparks fly upward ;" " as by one man sin entered, 
and death by sin ; and so death passed on all men, for 
that all have sinned ;" not in Adam as their head and 
representative, but in their own persons. 

9. I was deeply depressed under a consideration 
of man as mortal, and my own distance and dissimili- 
tude from Him, " who dwelleth in the light," and 
who only hath immortality. 

1 6. I went to the week-day meeting in distress ; 
but the wonderful transition of the beggar Lazarus, 
from the gate of Dives, to Abraham's bosom, being 
powerfully impressed, I was for a season measurably 
consoled j but nothing was verbally expressed by 
me, 



133 

20. The meetings this day were large, that in the 
afternoon particularly so, on account of the burial of 
S. B. ; in both of them, my mind was awfully im- 
pressed with the dreadful sentence which was pro- 
nounced concerning the unprofitable servant, and that 
of the fig-tree on which no fruit was found. In the 
meeting of ministers and elders, there seemed some- 
thing similar to a solemnity in the night season. 

21. This day I entered into the 67th year of my 
age ; " my days pass more swift than a weaver's 
shuttle ;" " with the Lord one day is as a thousand 
years :" " he can save by many or by few." In the 
monthly meeting, before the women friends withdrew, 
our beloved friends, W. M. and G. D. were gracious- 
ly anointed to preach the gospel to the poor ; the 
sound seemed in some degree to extend to me, in the 
land of my captivity. 

22. This day sorrow seemed for a season to be 
rather suspended ; may I, through great grace, be en- 
abled, as at the eleventh hour of the day, to exchange 
the burthens, which have been so heavy upon me, for 
the yoke which is easy, and the burthen which is light. 
My intellectual eye seemed to glance towards that 
woman, who, having " had much forgiven, loyed 
much." O ! may I, for the few days or hours remain- 
ing, demonstrate my love to Christ, " by keeping his 
commandments." At an appointed meeting held at 
Ware this evening, after our friend, W. Matthews, 
had closed his testimony, so awful a solemnity cover- 
ed a numerous and mixed assembly in silence, that 

N 



134 

the language of some formerly might, with much 
propriety, have been adopted, viz. " it is good for us 
to be here." 

23. The week-day meeting at Hartford was a 
large and favoured season, W. M. being led to open 
the spiritual import of Christ's washing his disciples 
feet ; and to recall the attention of the back-sliders 
to " the fountain which is opened for sin and unclean- 
ness." 

24. This morning our friend W. M. set forward 
on a visit to the western part of this county, and some 
of the counties adjacent : he had lodged with us five 
nights, and been mostly at our house in the day-time ; 
many friends had been with him : his conversation 
was such as becomes the gospel. On the first day he 
was much shut up, as to his public ministry ; but in 
the subsequent meetings, opened and enlarged, to the 
reaching of many. 

25. Walking in the Borough, my spirit was mea- 
surably contrited, in a remembrance of former days, 
and the Lord's mercies, which have been " as the for- 
mer and the latter rain." 

26. During my confinement in the winter, and for 
some time after I was liberated therefrom, a fresh 
visitation seemed to be extended for my help, and the 
" strengthening the things which were ready to die ;" 
but not rendering to the Lord according to the bene- 
fits which he had bestowed upon me, and obedience 
not keeping pace with knowledge, for some time past 
horor and deep distress have been usually the com- 



135 

panions of my spirit. During the present week, the 
mercies of heaven have been renewed more often 
than the morning, and some sense of the divine pre- 
sence has attended. This day, * the shooting up of 
the latter growth'' hath been consumed, as by an east 
wind from the wilderness. " Forgive, O Lord, I be- 
seech thee ;" " By whom shall Jacob arise, for he is 
small ?" 



Fourth Month, 1785. 

1 . The former part of the last month, sack-cloth Vas 
my covering; afterwarads glimpse of hope attended, 
in seeking after that obedience which is by faith. We 
are not to place our confidence in any thing short of 
the great Author of every good work ; but every de- 
gree of reformation from evil, and increase in the la- 
bour of love, is acceptable in His sight, who has 
promised to reward those who give a cup of cold wa- 
ter in the name and spirit of true disciple ship : for 
a mite cast into the treasury shall be approved, 
when the pompous offerings of the proud shall pe- 
rish. 

4. In the monthly meeting, a short testimony was 
delivered concerning the gospel mantle ; the subse- 
quent business was transacted in peace. 

18. Near the close of the forenoon meeting, 
some sentences were uttered concerning the suf~ 



136 

ferings of Christ, and of our suffering together with 
him. 

23. The former part of this week, insensibility 
respecting spiritual things was sorrowfully prevalent. 
I have been incapable of being exercised in the vo- 
lume of the book, either within or without, the vision 
of the whole having been so sealed, as with seven 
seals, that no man in heaven, nor in earth, neither un- 
der the earth, could open it, but " the Lion of the 
tribe of Juda," who can quicken the dead, and call 
those things which are not, as though they were. O! 
that I might come into his presence and plead with 
him, as a man pleadeth with his friend ; for although 
I see him not, yet judgment is with him; therefore, 
O my soul ! trust thou in him. 

25. I was visited by John Hoole, the celebrated 
translator of Tasso ; who read to me some memoirs, 
which are intended to be prefixed to a posthumous 
work of my deceased brother, John Scott, who in his 
life time had the praise of men ; but in his latter end, 
J humbly hope, his " praise was of God." 

30. The failures of the pillars of the house pre- 
sage its dissolution ; the sins of my youth, even of my 
religious youth, as well as the iniquities of more ad- 
vanced years, have been recalled to my remem- 
brance ; and passed before me as a roll, marked with 
u mourning, lamentation and woe. ' I am confident, 
whatever my friends may suppose to the contrary, 
that for some years past I have too freely indulged 
my palate, both in the eating of meat, and the drink- 



137 

ing of wine ; and though I have strictly adhered in 
both respects to what is esteemed moderation by men, 
yet I have not sufficiently bridled the body, nor ad- 
hered to the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ ; " which 
is the power of God," " and crucifies the flesh, with 
the affections and lusts." 



Fifth Month, 1785. 

13. Divers acceptable testimonies were deliver- 
ed at Gracechurch Street. My mind w T as measura- 
bly turned to Him, " who hath the tongue of the learn- 
ed, and can speak a word in season to him that is 
weary," for with him only " are the words of eternal 
life." I was glad of the crumbs which fell from the 
Master's table. 

14. This week has been spent pretty satisfactorily, 
but not without some exceptions ; desires having at 
intervals attended for the removal of hardness of 
heart, that a heart of flesh might be graciously impart- 
ed, meliorated and contrited, under a sense of the 
Lord's manifold mercies, which are new every morn- 
ing : of them mankind are too unmindful, of them I 
myself have been too unmindful. 



-" Man, infatuate man, 



Lays for himself on earth his little plan, 
Dreads not, or, distant views, mortality." 

N 2 



138 

^Sly plan, my pleasurable expectations, have indeed 
been little and singularly circumscribed : neither 
riches nor honours have been my aim, nor the hope 
of their attainment my consolation. From the fra- 
grance of my garden, the attendance and fidelity of 
my spaniel, my rural, retired and evening excursions, 
and the gratification of my palate (although, speak- 
ing after the manner of men, in strict moderation), 
some expectations of satisfaction have been fre- 
quently derived ; yet from heartfelt experience, fre- 
quently renewed, I have found that on every object 
under heaven this inscription is affixed, " vanity of 
vanities." 

15. The meetings at Park and Horslydown were 
favoured with a divine solemnity, and an acceptable 
ministry. 

21. This week, meetings have been duly attend- 
ed ; as to the interior, I have been, for the most part, 
stationed in low places. 

25. The meetings this week at Hartford were, I 
hope, profitable to many ; my mind was measurably 
affected under a remembrance of the Lord's former 
loving-kindness, and his multiplied mercies to the 
present hour. Many testimonies may be delivered 
by the Lord's servants, measurably in the wisdom of 
truth ; they may " know in part, and prophecy in 
part ;" their preaching, to some, may be " as a nail 
fastened in a sure place," but to others, as parables : 
M but the spirit, which quickeneth," ever speaking 
plainly and with divine precision. 



139 

28. This day, some glances of divine goodness 
seemed to pass before me, and the name of the Lord 
to be internally proclaimed ; the Lord, the Lord God, 
gracious and merciful, forgiving iniquity, transgres- 
sion and sin. 

29. I went to meeting in great lowness and pover- 
ty of spirit ; various openings were attendant, with a 
pointing to the people, but I was fearful of speaking, 
being conscious of a defect in that purity, which 
ought to be the constant clothing of those who mi- 
nister in holy things. Before the close, the last yearly 
meeting's epistle was read, and a short testimony 
borne to the divinity of the light. In the evening, I 
read some portions of a treatise, entitled The Neces- 
sity, Excellence and Beauty of Holiness, by Thomas 
Brooks ; a worthy and entertaining performance. 



Sixth Month, 1785. 

4. Five years have elapsed since the commence- 
ment of my diary. I have seen the " wonders of the 
Lord in the deeps," "the waters have roared and 
been troubled," and I have been shaken at the 
" swelling of them." I am now five years nearer the 
close of the days of my pilgrimage ; am I in the least 
nearer a city that has everlasting foundations, " whose 
inhabitants shall not say I am sick, whose iniquities 
are forgiven ?" On the inquiry, my heart meditates 
terror, thick darkness is before me ; but the God of 



140 

Jacob, the friend and Father of the wrestling seed, is 
able to turn the shadow of death into the morning, 
and to cause light to shine out of obscurity. 

10. From my youth upwards, I have been favoured 
with the strivings of the spirit in order for the sub- 
jugation of evil, and particularly of late for the cor- 
recting of my temper ; but too frequently have I sin- 
ned with my lips. But are not the Lord's mercies 
innumerable, and doth not forgiveness belong to him, 
for those who have rebelled against him ? May the 
great repairer of breaches rebuild the desolations of 
Zion* rebuild the desolations of former generations 
and the waste places of Zion ; that when all vicissi- 
tudes shall terminate, and time shall be no longer, I 
may inherit a mansion in the heavenly Jerusalem, 
whose " walls are salvation, and her gates praise." 

14. Walking in the meadows near Hitchin, I read 
part of Solomon's Song : the purport of this petition 
was mentally formed, " put in thy hand by the hole 
of the door, thou beloved of souls," thou friend of 
sinners, " thou chiefest of ten thousand," who came 
to seek and to save the chief of sinners, and bring 
back again that which was lost. 

15* A short testimony, in the week-day meeting, 
arose in my heart to the judgments and mercies of 
Jehovah, but nothing was expressed ; being fearful of 
imparting to others what might be intended for my 
own support in the hour of my distress. 

18. Disquietude prevailed; I was deficient in 
due resignation to the divine will; "the heavens 






141 

have been as brass, and the earth as iron ;" u I was 
tossed with tempests, and not comforted." 

29. In the forenoon meeting, my mind was both 
measurably exercised and doctrinally enlarged ; but 
I remained in silence. 

27. I went to the forenoon meeting seemingly des- 
titute of all spiritual sensations ; but a short testi- 
mony was unexpectedly produced, concerning the 
Lord's goodness to the poor ; and M. P. had afte - 
wards an acceptable time in supplication. 



Seventh Month, 1785. 

6. In the week-day meeting, the dryness, empti- 
ness and distress of human nature, when separated 
from the soul enlivening influence of the Son of God, 
was the meditation of my spirit. 

10. Our worthy friends J. Townsend and N. 
Walne, were at the general meeting at Hunsdon, 
which was large and satisfactory. In the evening, 
the kitter had a large time in testimony, amidst a 
mixed and numerous auditory at Hartford, I believe 
to their general satisfaction ; many in warm terms 
expressing their approbation of his ministerial la- 
bours. I was " as a dry tree;" only the Lion of the 
tribe of Judah can open the book of life ; " and when 
he shuttethj none can open." 



142 

1 3. Just before the close of the week-day meeting, 
a small ray of light seemed to penetrate the thick 
darkness and solitary chambers of death. 

28. Near the close of the Park evening meeting, 
sundry testimonies were delivered, and a degree of 
divine light and life seemed to arise ; my spirit was, 
for the present, more lightened and relieved than for 
many days preceding. 

31. Our friend R. W. was at Gracechurch-street 
in the forenoon ; a large and solid meeting. At Hor- 
slydown, in the afternoon, there was not " a shred left 
to take fire from the hearth, nor water withal from 
out of the pit/ 5 I fought against sleep, but was nearly 
overcome therewith. 



Eighth Month, 1785. 

1. . Our friend R. W. having in testimony yester- 
day called the attention of those present to the evi- 
dence within, in reading the Mosaic history of the 
creation, I had some feelings after an inward evi- 
dence of the reality of the things which are written : 
the Scriptures of truth and all other external means, 
however faithful and well-authenticated, being of 
themselves unable to satisfy the truly seeking soul, 
or to perfect the things appertaining to the consci- 
ence, without the faithful and true witness, the first- 
begotten of the dead ; who loveth his people, and 
washeth them from their sins in his own blood, and 



143 

maketh them kings and priests unto God and his 
Father, to whom be glory and dominion for ever. 
Amen. 

7. S. Crawley, and A. Jessop, the latter from 
North Carolina, were at Gracechurch-street in the 
forenoon, and R. W. at Horslydown in the afternoon, 
who came home with us ; the meetings were, I 
hope, both of them measurably favoured ; but deep 
poverty was the portion of my spirit, being almost 
wholly divested of all spiritual sentiments or sensa- 
tions, as hath been much the case of late, both in 
meetings and out of them. 

11. At the Park meeting, some deep exercise at- 
tended, in the midst of distress and anxiety. When 
the earth was void and without form, and darkness 
was upon the face of the deep, the Spirit of the Lord 
moved upon the dark waters, and there was light and 
order : the same spirit moved Sampson in the camp 
of Dan : thereby was I influenced in the days of my 
minority to seek the Lord in the assemblies of the 
people, and particularly so at the evening meeting 
held near this place. 

19 and 20. Chiefly at home ; not without some 
internal exercise towards the Lord and giver of life, 
who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things 
which are not, as though they were. 

26. In the afternoon I went in a coach with my 
wife to Cheapside ; on our return I partly discharged 
a debt which had long lain heavy upon me, by giving 
J. P. an order to print 1000 copies of some memoirs 



144 

concerning my deceased brother J. Scott, in his last 
illness : as I was very unexpectedly favoured to be 
an ear-witness of the living testimony which he de- 
livered, respecting that salvation which is by grace, 
at a juncture when the long felt dictates of a heart en- 
lightened by divine truth can sometimes no longer 
be concealed, notwithstanding the efforts of human 
pride. Ever since his decease my mind has been 
impressed with a fear, lest, through my timidity and 
irresolution, so significant and remarkable an attesta- 
tion to the doctrine of a Mediator should be suppress- 
ed; a doctrine which, although set at nought by 
many of the wise and prudent of this world, is full of 
consolation, when livingly and feelingly impressed 
upon the distressed desponding mind by the Comfor- 
ter ; the spirit which " maketh intercession with 
groanings which cannot be uttered," by the medium 
of vocal language : a doctrine which is also altoge- 
ther compatible with godliness and good works, the 
Mediator having himself declared, "that every 
branch which abideth in him, the same bringeth 
forth much fruit." In respect to suppressing these 
important and interesting memoirs, these testimo- 
nies have been much before me, "Is a candle 
brought to be put under a bushel or under a bed," 
" and not to be set on a candlestick ?" " Of him who 
is ashamed of me, of him also will I be ashamed." I 
also purchased a copy of the prayers and meditations 
of that renowned man in the republic of human litera- 
ture, the late Dr. Samuel Johnson j who, notwith- 




145 



standing his being* generally esteemed for the* 
strength of his genius, and the indefatigability of his 
researches, but likewise for the rectitude of his heart, 
and the propriety of his conduct ; who, notwithstand- 
ing his strong attachment to an exterior establish- 
ment* and an hireling and sinsoothing ministry, and, 
as there is reason to believe, his being unconversant 
in works of an inward, spiritual, and soul-awakening 
tendency, was, by the internal emanations of divine 
light, favoured to see, and bitterly bewail, his own de- 
fects and shortness in that purity, which is required 
by the gospel of Christ. May none, who enjoy su- 
perior privileges and more advantage of spiritual im- 
provement, " quench the spirit," and stifle the in- 
ward convictions of that divine light, which can only 
shew them the sinfulness of sin, and the wickedness 
and deceit of their own hearts, 

27. This week there hath been also some increase 
in a religious exercise. May I, for the small rem- 
nant of time which remains, " so number my days, 
as that I may apply my heart" to that wisdom, which 
is " peaceable, gentle, easy to be intreated, full of 
mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without 
hypocrisy ;" that the fruits of righteousness may be 
sown in peace. 

28. I found some internal draft to attend the fore- 
noon meeting at Gracechurch-street, and was favour- 
ed with some travail of spirit for the arising of divine 
life in that large assembly, and the circulation there* 

of from vessel to vessel ; even the life of the Son of 

O 



146 

God, who came " that we might have life, and that 
we might have it more abundantly :" a great part of 
the time was passed in silence : I think some solem- 
nity was attendant. 

30. The week-day meeting at Horslydown was 
small and silent : my animal spirits were oppressed 
with heaviness, but there was a degree of light and 
intelligence " within the veil." 



Ninth Month, 1785. 

1. A pretty quiet day, but spent very negligently 
in respect to reading in the scriptures, or other books, 
for edification and instruction in righteousness ; al- 
though I found leisure time to re-peruse the trials of 
the rioters in Southwark, for amusement. 

3. The desires which closed the last week, 
through mercy, have been measurably answered ; 
but too great a remissness in religious reading and 
retirement have been sorrowfully prevalent ; never- 
theless, I have at times remembered the Lord upon 
my bed, and meditated on his name in the watches 
of the night. 

4. I intended this day to have been at Hartford, 
in order to have attended the monthly meeting at 
Buntingford ; but upon deliberating upon the draft 
that attended, and endeavouring to form a balance on 
both sides, I found my mind most calm and easy in 
staying some time longer in Tooley-street. The 



147 

forenoon-meeting at Gracechurch-street was large ; 
Edmund Gurney was present, and appeared in testi- 
mony. 

5. At the meeting of ministers and elders in 
Gracechurch-street, our friend Edmund Gurney de- 
livered some necessary cautions to those concerned 
in the ministry ; particularly in respect to a too rea- 
dy and frequent attendance of meetings on account of 
marriages and burials, and the exercise of their minis- 
try in them. The said friend dined with us at Too- 
ley-street. 

6. The week-day meeting was small, low, and si- 
lent ; I received a watch-word respecting my own 
particular, of which I grievously lost sight in the sub- 
sequent part of the day : I laid down in sorrow, be- 
ing self-condemned. 

7. This day I came from Tooley-street to Hart- 
ford, where so considerable a part of my painful pil- 
grimage on earth has been passed. 

10. This week I have greatly fallen short of a due 
application of heart to the meekness of wisdom, also 
in respect to religious reading and retirement : from 
a secret impulse, I perused some of the works of 
Elizabeth Row, in which I was conversant in former 
days : some part of the exercises of the heart was, I 
hope, measurably profitable : I also had the opportuni- 
ty of perusing a work of a different tendency, entitled 
" The Way to Happiness," but without a reference 
to the source of happiness, " The way, the truth, and 
the life ;" who declared to his immediate followers, 



143 

"without me ye can do nothing/' The Author sup- 
poses Nature to be on the side of goodness, because 
some children have been known to have viewed with 
complacence the representations of goodness, and to 
have rejected with abhorrence those of evil ; but this 
argument in favour of natural rectitude is certainly 
futile and inconclusive : in such cases may it not ra- 
ther be supposed, that the blessed Jesus, who suffer- 
ed little children to be brought unto him, is pleased 
in their infantile periods of life to draw nigh unto 
them ; and by the secret and supernatural agency of 
divine grace, to change the corrupt bias of human na- 
ture. With readiness it is indeed allowed, that the 
natural propensities of both infants and adults are 
abundantly diversified ; some, through the various 
stages of life, continuing to abhor the more flagrant 
and atrocious breaches of virtue and morality, who are 
themselves strangers to that goodness which is of 
God only ; and to the operations of that grace which 
brings salvation. But man by nature, notwithstand- 
ing all his accomplishments and refinements, is prone 
to evil, even " as the sparks fly upward ;" which pro- 
pensity nothing is able to subdue, but the omnipoten- 
tial power of Him, who made man upright, and is able, 
in his present fallen and lapsed state, to restore him 
into the heavenly image, by and through the grace of 
a Redeemer, who came " to seek and to save that 
which was lost," and " not to call the righteous, but 
sinners, to repentance." In the forenoon some religi- 



149 

ous exercise was experienced : I read With satisfac- 
tion some part of Augustin's Meditations. 

11, 12, and 13. I was chiefly confined to my bed. 
I hope in some degree I was profitably exercised in 
reading clivers deep and dying experiences of others ; 
some tenderness of spirit and inward exercise was at 
most times attendant. I have often wondered to see 
those who have been lovers of the world, and the 
things of the world, consoling themselves with the 
supposed consciousness of a well-spent life, because 
of their discharge of some moral and relative duties. 
"The grace and truth which comes by Jesus Christ'* 
can only cause a sick bed to become a bed of com- 
fort ; this, and this only, can make the " wilderness 
like Eden, the desart like the garden of the Lord," 
and " the valley of Achor a door of hope :" this is 
health in sickness, joy in sadness, and riches in pover- 
ty : may it increase and be multiplied among the poor 
in spirit, is my desire. Amen. 

14. My wife being to go to Amwell in the after- 
noon, I wrote a few lines on my bed to my sister 
Scott, partly consonant with the import of the me- 
moirs on the other side. When I either speak or 
write on religious subjects, I love to have my own spi- 
rit dipped into some feeling sense of the things which 
are spoken or written. 

15. This morning I found my mind strangely al- 
tered from what it had been for some days past ; no 
capacity for reading or retirement. " 1 have put off 

my cloathing, how shall I put it on V s 

O 2 



150 

17. The forenoon was rather comfortable and lu- 
minous ; I read part of the Journal of John Nelson, 
a Wesleyan Methodist ; his occupation was that of a 
journeyman mason, he laboured much in the work of 
the ministry, and underwent great persecution. The 
knowledge of being justified, freed from all sin, and 
perfected in love, are very desirable experiences : 
and I verily believe, through grace, attainable even 
on this side Jordan ; yet their being so much insist- 
ed on by John Wesley, and the ministers in connex- 
ion with him, it is to be feared has produced many 
counterfeits ; and occasioned divers to be confident 
of their having already attained, instead of follow- 
ing on in a child-like simplicity, " to know the Lord, 
and his goings forth, to be prepared as the morn- 
ing." 

1 3. My wife and E. M. were at the quarterly meet- 
ing of Bedfordshire and Hartfordshire, held this day 
for the first time at Hitchin. 

24. This week I have been almost wholly confin- 
ed to my bed. Some application and access in in- 
ward travail of spirit, towards the fountain of holy hea- 
venly help, has been experienced, especially in the 
night season ; an adorable mercy : by unnecessary and 
unprofitable words being spoken in the day-time, con- 
demnation and sorrow have been frequently atten- 
dant ; and the fruit of that righteousness which is sown 
in peace has been too much obstructed. May this 
bed of confinement yet more fully become a bed of 
refinement ! 



151 

25 to 29. Pretty comfortable days. I met with 
some lively truths in Archbishop Leigh ton* s select 
works. We were visited by divers friends. 



Tenth Month, \785. 

t. Little increase has been this week experienced 
m the divine life ; too much insensibility and hard- 
ness of heart has been attendant. 

12. How marvellous are the works of Jehovah ! 
How wonderful are his dealings with the sons of men I 
his " judgments are a great deep/' and " righteous 
altogether;" on every inferior excellence has he un- 
alterably affixed this inscription, " Vanity of vanities, 
and vexation of spirit." From the days of my minori- 
ty, have I held the fountain of living waters in the 
highest estimation; and with a considerable degree 
of assiduity, have I sought after its sacred streams ; 
the bread which perishes not; the waters which 
never fail : yet, wo is me ! too much have I leaned 
to the broken cisterns of creaturely consolations, 
which have ever proved as bruised reeds, as piercing 
spears, miserable comforters, and the chastisements 
of a cruel one. Sincerely, inviolably, have I been at- 
tached to my inseparable companion in health and 
sickness ; who, for more than thirty years, has, with 
the greatest fidelity and perseverance, relieved my 
wants and ministered to my necessities ; yet, with the 
most pure and choice blessings, satan, the author of 



152 

strife, the enemy of peace and righteousness, com- 
mixes his evil seed; which " brings forth fruit unto 
death." Having, from early youth, enjoyed almost 
invariably a good appetite, the meat in the dish, and 
the wine in the glass, has had for me fascinating 
charms ; and though always esteemed by my fellow 
men, in every respect, temperate, and even by some, 
rather abstemious ; and although in my latter years I 
have been peculiarly scrupulous and cautious in res- 
pect to the quantity of meat and wine ; yet, by a too 
pleasurable indulgence of my palate, my own heart 
condemns me : God is greater, and who then among 
my fellow mortals shall justify me? The voice of 
the internal monitor is greater than the witness of 
men. " Let God therefore be true, and every man a 
liar." This also has been a " vanity and vexation of 
spirit." For many years I enjoyed so much plea- 
sure by riding on horseback, that I was almost ready 
to say with the patriarch's wife on another occasion, 
what good would my life do me, if by any means I 
should be deprived of so pleasing and salutary an ex- 
ercise ? This also for near ten years has failed ; and 
I have had only the inferior pleasure of walking on 
foot in the neighbouring fields, and in the streets of 
the metropolis. Now, by the prevalence of disease, 
the few hours which remain are likely to be passed 
either in my bed or solitary chamber : the enjoyments 
heretofore possessed also increase my vexation. 
From my youth upwards, have I been singularly at- 
tached, but I hope not irregularly so 3 to a docile and 



it 



H3 

domesticated spaniel ; four of them have miscarried, 
not having attained the common age of those animals ; 
the fifth is now destined to death by reason of disease, 
and a danger of the canine madness. I am also de- 
prived of the pleasure of my poultry court, and the 
fragrance of my garden : a separation from those sim- 
ple scenes of delight, less reprovable than the allure- 
ments of avarice, or the insolence of pride, are also 
' vexation of spirit/ 5 Thus bereft of every broken 
cistern, is there yet remaining for me any access to 
" the fountain of living waters V 9 Unsupplied with 
the husks which the swine eat, is there any possibili- 
ty of a return to the Father's house, where there is 
bread enough and to spare ? My paths are obstructed 
as with walls of brass, and my wars circumscribed 
with an enclosure of thorn ; is there yet in " the val- 
ley of Achor a door of hope ?" Will the dread of 
nations, the glory of men and angels, be pleased with 
the lame, the halt, and the maimed, for a sacrifice ; or 
accept the few remaining hours of a life, too much of 
which has been passed in a servitude to the law in the 
members ? Indeed, upon my bed and in the watches 
of the night, some glimpses of the divine glory, and 
of that mercy and forgiveness which is in Christ Je- 
sus, have seemed at times transiently to pass before 
| me ; and the name of the Lord to be proclaimed, " the 
Lord God, gracious and merciful ; forgiving trans- 
gression and sin," and " passing by the transgression 
of the remnant of his heritage :" yet, wo is me, "in 
my flesh there dwelleth no good thing ;" but too 



154 

much of that nature, which " is of the earth, earthy/* 
and fallen " short of the glory of God." In this hour 
of distress and deep deprivation, what language shall 
I adopt ? what accents shall I utter ? surely not those 
of absolute despondency, lest I should " add drunken- 
ness to thirst ;" but rather may I unite in the plain- 
tive determination of the prophet formerly, viz. " I 
will bewail, with the weeping of Jazer, the vine of 
Sibmah : I will water thee with my tears, O Heshbon 
and Elealeh !" because the summer fruits and the 
harvest is fallen. May Israel still be holiness to the 
Lord, and in his latter end may there be an increase ! 
Amen and Amen, through Christ Jesus our Lord ; 
the King of saints in Zion. 

16, Went in a chaise to the forenoon meeting. 
The superior glory and excellence of the gospel dis- 
pensation, and of the law of the spirit of life in Christ 
Jesus, to that of the ministration of death written and 
engraven in stones, being in my silent waiting much 
illustrated in the view of my mind, a few sentences 
were spoken relative thereto : those present were 
also reminded of the spirit of truth, which not only 
reproves for sin, but also for righteousness and judg- 
ment. I know not whether they either understood or 
felt much of the things which were spoken ; but 
for the present a degree of solemnity seemed to at- 
tend. 

S7. Opening the Bible in the 4th chapter 2d of 
Kings, where the miraculous multiplication of the 
widow's oil is recorded, and the prophetical direction 



155 

thereupon, viz. " Go, sell the oil, pay thy debt, and 
live thou and thy children of the rest:" that pas- 
sage appeared emblematical of the oil of gladness, 
wherewith Jesus, our High Priest, "was anointed 
above his brethren/' who has made a complete re- 
conciliation for their sins, and removes the yoke of 
their transgressions, because of " the anointing which 
abideth in them/' " and is truth and no lie." 

30. It has often been immediately suggested, 
that every moment of time here is a mercy, in case 
it is employed in the all-important purpose of 
M working out our own salvation with fear and trem- 
bling," through the power and prevalence of him, 
u who worketh in us both to will and to do, of his 
good pleasure :" but the possibility of a neglecting 
and resisting, on our part, the supernatural operations 
of divine grace, seems to be implied in the apostolic 
injunction, Rom. vi. 13. "But yield yourselves unto 
God, as those that are alive from the dead ;" &c. 
and the following meditation thereupon by an ancient 
author, viz. " If God has my members as weapons 
and instruments in his hands, I shall certainly be 
able not only to work, but to conquer ; since he un- 
derstands full well how to manage them. May the 
Lord only give me grace not to wind myself out of 
his hands, else I must needs be a dead useless car- 
case, for how can a pen write alone, without being in 
the hand of a writer ? It is true indeed that it is very 
hard, nay impossible, to be really good, and do all 
that is good, if we undertake it alone ; but God him- 






156 



self living* and working in us, and we truly delighting 
in him, it is very easy and pleasant ; therefore care 
is only to be taken that our heart may always be the 
working place, and our members the instruments of 
God ; in which, and through which, he can perform 
every thing himself." In the afternoon, my wife 
being gone to meeting, I read and explained some 
portions of holy writ to W. P. D. and W. C. to which 
they attended in a becoming manner. They also 
read. 



Eleventh Montr, 1785. 

2. Being very suddenly and unexpectedly seized 
with so violent a spasm, that there was rather a pros- 
pect of a sudden change, I was greatly alarmed, but 
mercifully favoured in some degree to look to him, 
from whom help cometh ; who is able to save, and 
mighty to deliver, in whose hand are the issues from 
death. The attack seemed to go off almost as sud- 
denly as it came on; being relieved before noon: 
nevertheless, in the subsequent part of the day, I 
was almost ready to repine at the prospect of in- 
creasing indisposition and continued confinement ; 
and was very deficient in a due thankfulness and sub- 
mission of spirit to the Sovereign of the universe. 
My bodily sufferings are many, but they might have 
been much more abundant. In the evening, literally, 
I entered into my closet and shut to the door ; some 



157 

recollection was experienced ; afterwards, I read 
Some part of the prophecy of Amos the prophet. 

6. I went to the forenoon meeting in a chaise ; 
glorious things are spoken of Zion, the city of God ; 
some glories peculiar to the gospel of Christ were il- 
lustrated in the view of my mind with a degree ot 
power and perspicuity : the meeting was large, but 
wholly silent ; a degree of solemnity was, I hope, at- 
tendant ; but towards the close, some appeared too 
desirous of breaking it up. 

9. In the week-day meeting, the disconsolate 
state was much before me, and the exceeding great 
and precious promises appertaining thereto were re- 
newed in my remembrance; but I was afraid to 
speak, well knowing there is a ministry of the word in 
silence ; " the self-same spirit, dividing to every man, 
severally, as he will." 

12. My mind has been pretty calm this day, and 
not unattended with some good desires. May the 
Lord, the spirit who worketh in us to will, perfect in 
us the deed according to the good pleasure of his 
goodness. O Lord, forgive the errors of the preced- 
ing week ! In the evening I spent some time in retire- 
ment, and reading the Holy Scriptures. 

14. I once more walked to the forenoon meeting ; 
some words were spoken concerning that worship 
which is in the spirit, not in the letter ; not barely in 
the form, but in the substance ; in which there is 
prevalence, dominion, and dignity. In the evening 



158 

read in the family one of Archbishop Leighton's ex- 
cellent discourses* 

16. As I walked to Queen's Bench a tender tear 
was dropped in remembrance of those mercies which 
have not failed. I finished letters began the pre- 
ceding day to T. Corbyn, J. Row, and J. Kaye. At 
the week-day meeting, soon after sitting down, a 
watch-word was internally imparted, suited to my own 
state. The meeting was wholly silent. 

19. " What shall I render to the Lord for all his 
benefits ?" Some sense of a life which is incapable of 
termination, even the life of the Son of God, who 
"abideth a priest continually," "after^he order of 
Melchisedec," " having neither beginning of days, 
nor end of life," has attended : " the fruits of righ- 
teousness (were also measurably) sown in peace." 
I have also had an opportunity of reading Sacred 
Biography, by Dr. Hunter; a work which may be de- 
servedly ranked with the first productions of the 
present age, in respect to the excellence of the com- 
position : in it, the lives and characters of the patri- 
archs are delineated with accuracy, and their respec- 
tive allusions to the coming of the holy and just One, 
his humiliation and glory, illustrated. These lec- 
tures, although not exhibiting an uncommon depth of 
spiritual knowledge and experience, may, neverthe- 
less, be perused even by the spiritually minded, not 
only with pleasure but profit ; both with respect to 
the world which now is, and that which is to come. 



159 

20. In the forenoon meeting, a fresh sense of the 
necessity of divine light and life being imparted from 
on high, was the companion of my spirit : the meet- 
ing was silent, but I hope profitable to some. 

23. At the week-day meeting, some words were 
spoken concerning prophesying, spiritual gifts, and 
the necessity of having the spirit. 

26. O that I might keep my tongue as with a 
bridle, and set a watch always before the door of my 
lips ! 

29. Although so lately I was desirous of setting 
a watch before the door of my lips always, yet this 
day I have spoken unadvisedly with my tongue, be- 
cause of afflictions which have not arisen out of the 
dust. 



Twelfth Month, 1785. 

3. In the evening I entered into my closet, and 
although I seemed incapable of prayer, I was so ten- 
dered before Him, w r ho dwelt in the bush, that I could 
m measure adopt a language formerly uttered, " It 
is good for me to be here." 

8. Pained in body, and distressed in soul, fearing 
lest, after having " preached to others, I myself 
should become a cast-away ;" not keeping my body 
in subjection. 

13. Dined with my wife at Amwell ; walking in 
the evening in the shrubberies, I suddenly was im- 



160 

pressed with a secret sense, that James Harvey, 
Thomas Hartley, and John Fletcher^ although greatly 
diversified in their religious sentiments whilst they 
were members of the militant church, are now united 
in that which is triumphant ; singing praises to the 
Lord God and the Lamb, who is worthy for ever : the 
glimpse of light soon disappeared, and I sat in the 
solitary chamber of my afflicted sister, under distress 
and poverty of spirit. 

14. In the week-day meeting, some introversion of 
spirit was attendant, with the language of "Lord, I 
believe, help thou mine unbelief." A pretty easy 
day, both with respect to body and mind. 

1 7. Went with my wife and M. P. to Hitchin ; and 
spent part of the evening with our worthy friend 
William Mathews, at Mary Sharples's. 

18. Attended the fore and afternoon meetings at 
Hitchin ; our friends William Mathews and Ann Jes- 
sop from North America were there, as also at the 
meeting of ministers and elders in the evening: the 
said meetings were I hope respectively attended with 
a degree of divine favour. 

31. This last in the year 1785, was a day of 
trouble and distress ; towards evening I was under 
much bowedness of spirit, by reason of a sense of my 
dissolution, and unfitness to meet him, who is the 
judge both of the quick and of the dead ; and who 
hath said, " Behold, I come quickly ; and my reward 
is with me, to give every man according as his work 
shall be." 



161 



First Month, 1786, 

1. In the forenoon meeting at Gracechurch-street, 
humiliation and self abasement were experienced; 
and an awful sense of the Almighty Jehovah, who 
M made the heaven and earth," the seas and the foun- 
tains of water, continued most part of the day to be 
the covering of my spirit. 

2. Some low and laborious exercise of spirit was 
experienced at the meeting of ministers and elders ; 
the whole was a quiet day, and closed pretty com- 
fortably. 

3. The week-day meeting was well attended at 
Horslydown, and to me it was measurably a favoured 
season ; some openings, relative to the benefit of 
that faith which is by the operation of God, were at- 
tendant, but not expressed. 

4. Very unexpectedly, some internal perceptions 
of the divine presence and power were attendant, 
and as I walked by the Rotherhithe road and Shad 
Thames, this was the language of my spirit. Great 
grace, Great mercy. " What shall I render to the 
Lord" for his unspeakable gifts, his unnumbered be- 
nefits ! May his long-suffering produce in me that 
repentance, which is never to be repented of! 
Rather a solid and profitable sitting was experienced 
at the monthly meeting of Horslydown, before the 
women friends withdrew. 



P 2 



162 

8. In the forenoon meeting at Horslydown, two 
short testimonies were delivered, concerning the 
rock of ages, as it is written, " upon this rock, will I 
build my church, 8cc." In the afternoon, was enga- 
ged in combating heaviness ; but towards the close 
was relieved therefrom, under the ministry of H. 
Gilbert. 

9. The quarterly meeting at Devonshire-house 
was large, and attended with a divine solemnity in 
silence ; towards the close, William Mathews 
was engaged in a living ministry ; neither much in- 
telligence or instruction attended myself as a particu- 
lar, but a testimony respecting myself and others 
present ; " It is good for us to be here." 

10. At the week-day meeting at Horslydown, 
some interior exercise was experienced, and solemni- 
ty in silence ; poverty was my portion, but these ex- 
pressions being inwardly suggested, they seemed to 
afford a secret supply ; there is a " hope which en^ 
tereth into that within the vail ;" for man liveth not 
by bread alone, but by every word which the Lord 
doth speak. 

11. In the evening I had some perceptions of that 
in-speaking voice, which saith, " This is the way, 
walk ye in it." May I henceforth be enabled to walk 
in that way " in which the wayfaring men, though 
fools, shall not err." 

!3. In the evening I was favoured with a distant 
view of Him, v/ho saw Nathaniel under the fig-tree. 



16Z 



14. Some part of this week has been passed pretty* 
peaceably, but not free from blame ; unnecessary 
speaking, as I think, having at times too much pre- 
vailed. Retiring in the evening, an inquiry was sug- 
gested, how has the cross of Christ been complied 
with in this respect? a constant abiding under the 
same, being requisite to a state of true discipleship, 
and consonant both with the tenor of the New Testa- 
ment, and the language of the light within. 

17. At the week-day meeting at Horslydown, 
those present were recommended, by a short testimo- 
ny, to the great Prophet ; the antitype and substance 
of all the former prophets, and their prophecies. 

22. In the forenoon meeting at Hartford, my mind 
was touched with a sense of the love of Christ ; and a 
short testimony was delivered concerning the exten- 
sion of it to those who were afar off, " The outcasts of 
Israel," and "the dispersed of Judah." 

24. After a day of distress, retiring in my chamber, 
I was favoured with some internal breathings after 
Him, who is " the ressurrection from the dead," the 
life everlasting, the Amen, who hath "the keys of 
death and hell." 

25. At meeting, distress and heaviness attended, 
but a ray of light and life seemed to pervade the re- 
gion and shadow of death ; counsel was plentifully 
imparted, but nothing was expressed, save an invita- 
tion of the heavenly bridegroom— .Canticles — it seem- 
ed in some degree a solid and favored sitting ; at 
least I was lightened in my own particular, 



164 

28. The former part of this week was passed un- 
der some sense of divine light and love. Whoever 
calls upon the name of the Lord Jesus with soul- 
saving efficacious prevalence must depart from ini- 
quity ; for unless holiness to the Lord is inscribed on 
all the vessels in his house, a profession of him will 
not avail in the day in which the Lord shall make in- 
quisition for blood, and search Jerusalem with light- 
ed candles. In the evening I remembered Zion, and 
was rather relieved. 

29. In the forenoon meeting, doctrine was plenti- 
fully imparted ; and those present were exhorted to 
seek the Lord. Notwithstanding the appearance of 
some favour being renewed in the preceding meet- 
ing, in the afternoon there seemed scarce a " shred 
left to take fire from the hearth, or water withal from 
out of the pit :" heaviness assailed, but was resisted. I 
walked, both morning and evening, in the adjacent 
fields, and heard the sound of the blackbird : mysti- 
cally and spiritually, may " the singing of birds sa- 
lute the recesses of the solitary." 

30. Walking before dinner through Post Wood, 
in some degree, I endeavoured to combat the inter- 
ruptions of recollection. In the afternoon, great po- 
verty and distress were the companions of my spirit; 
I saw myself as nothing, yea, less than nothing, be- 
fore the dread of nations. 



165 



Second Month, 1786. 

1. In the week-day meeting, some meditations 
concerning the loving of God accompanied my spi- 
rit ; and some part of them were expressed to 
others. 

3. This day, many were partakers of the bene- 
fit resulting from a dinner, somewhat similar to the 
gospel feast recommended by our Lord ; Luke xiv. 
13. but the master of it was too destitute of a gospel 
spirit. 

4. The former part of this week was passed pret- 
ty comfortably ; but since, I have fallen short of the 
fruit of that " righteousness which is sown in peace." 

15. On the 7th instant my esteemed friend and re- 
lative, Sarah Carpenter, came to our house, and left 
us on the 11th. We entered on this stage of trouble 
within twenty -four hours of each other, and by reason 
of age and manifold infirmities, are not likely to con- 
tinue thereupon much longer : from disorder I was 
precluded from some pleasing prospects, which other- 
wise might have attended the approach of spring— 
the melody of birds, and the fragrance of flowers. 
Separated from a sense of the divine life, " the chari- . 
ty which never faiieth," and the hope which enters 
within the vail, and left to the prevalence of the tur- 
bulent and indignant propensities of fallen nature, 
the soul is as " the troubled sea," which " casts up 
mire and dirt/' The first day of the present week 



166 

was a day of clouds and thick darkness ; " I went 
down to the bottom of the mountains ;" " the depths 
enclosed me," and " the earth with her bars were 
(seemingly) about me for ever." I had for more than 
a week past been unable to read in the bible, or any 
other book, for edification and comfort ; neither 
scarcely had a single text of Scripture occurred to my 
remembrance : but yesterday evening, after having 
submitted to a confinement in my chamber, and 
opening my bible, and meeting with the history of the 
prophet, who suffered so severely because of disobe- 
dience, I was favoured " to look once again towards 
the Lord's holy temple, 55 and the power of divine Om- 
nipotence ; which is yet able to redeem " my life from 
corruption." 

16. I was confined to my chamber, and read again 
the book of the prophet Jonah, and divers other pas- 
sages in the prophetic writings. How wonderful is 
the analogy of faith, and what a variety of passages 
are there in the sacred records, of which, under the 
influence of the interpreter, one of a thousand may 
dart a ray of light and hope upon the habitation of the 
desolate. I also read Dr. Everard's discourse, enti- 
tled Divine Exorcism, and John Payne on Weakness 
of Faith. Blessed be the Father of lights, the author 
and giver of every good gift, for the cloud of faithful 
witnesses. 

28. Those irradiations of divine light and grace, 
with which I have of late been favored, have been ex- 
ceedingly transient, and passed over as the hasty 



167 

visits of a sojourner. Some memoirs lately prece- 
ding express a sense of the Lord's former loving- 
kindnesses ; and the distillations of the dew of Her- 
mon have been measurably renewed upon my dis- 
consolate spirit; but since, manifold and diversified 
have been my afflictions. During many disturbed and 
sleepless nights, I have at times been enabled to pray 
internally to Him, who "can fulfil all the good plea- 
sure of his goodness, and the work of faith with pow- 
er/' either in many or a few days ; with whom " one 
day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as 
one day." On the 2 1st and 25th instant, I visited my 
sister S. at Amwell, whose bodily dissolution seems 
now to be hastily approaching. May the Lord have 
mercy on her spirit. Amen. 



Third Month, 1786. 

8. For this week past I have been in a state of 
great disconsolation, "tossed with tempests," and 
without comfort : I have been almost wholly shut out 
of the Holy Scriptures ; and the law of the spirit of 
life has been like a book sealed with seven seals, 
which no man neither in heaven nor earth could open ; 
but " the Lion of the tribe of Juda, the root of David," 
is able to open the book, and unloose the seals. May 
He prevail in the greatness of his power, and may all 
the disconsolate and bewildered pilgrims in this 
dreary vale be, with my soul, enabled to look with an 



168 



eye of faith to him, who " was dead, but is alive/' and 
Jiveth for evermore ; whose wonders are seen in the 
deeps. Amen. 

24. Came with William Mathews from Hartford 
to London. 

29. A degree of recollection was unexpectedly 
experienced, and some sensations were attendant of 
that ancient loving-kindness which is better than 
life. At the young folks' meeting at Devonshire 
House, a degree of recollection was renewed, and the 
testimony of the Royal Psalmist : u When thou saidst, 
seek ye my face ; my heart said unto thee, thy face, 
Lord, will I seek." May I still be enabled to " seek 
the Lord, in the beauty of holiness;" "in newness of 
life." 



Fourth Month, 1786. 

1. This week, especially towards the latter end of 
it, after a long season of the deepest desertion, some 
tender tears have flowed, and some recollection has 
been experienced, in remembrance of that most mer- 
ciful God and Saviour, who in the midst of judgment 
remembers mercy ; and hath declared that he will 
not contend for ever, neither be always wrath ; for 
the spirit should fail before him, and the souls which 
he has made : but that when the wicked turneth from 
his wickedness, he shall not surely die ; but that he 
shall live- in that righteousness which is by faith* 



169 

As I walked this evening in the Grange Road, Sec. 
the elementary air, although a cloudy evening, seem- 
ed reviving to human nature, and somewhat emble- 
matical of the breath of life which was breathed into 
man, at his first formation ; and without a renewal of 
which by Him, who iC raiseth the dead, and quickeneth 
whom and when he will," the soul that sinneth shall 
surely die. 

9. The general meeting at Hunsdon was small 
and low ; some degree of prayer and recollection was 
experienced in my own particular, more than I ex- 
pected. In the evening, very unexpectedly and un- 
sought for, some mystical passages in the Epistle of 
Paul to the Ephesians were suggested and powerfully 
impressed : " Great is the mystery of godliness ;" 
the smallest and most obscure sensations thereof are 
attended with an excellent glory. " Hosanna to the 
Son of David." 

12. The week-day meeting was well attended in 
respect to numbers ; those present were recommend- 
ed to believe on him whom God hath sent ; according 
to that which is written : " This is the work of God, 
that ye believe in him, whom God hath sent." 

15. If I remember aright, a spiritual author ob- 
serves, that a sense of the want of recollection, and a 
desire after it, is a degree thereof. " To will hath 
been present with me ;" but the exercise has been 
sown in weakness: my soul has been as the dry 
ground. 

Q 



170 

22. The Scriptures and other pious books, in the 
general, have been sealed ; but I have received some 
satisfaction and internal refreshment in the perusal of 
a volume of poems by William Cowper. Although I 
have little judgment in poetry, or propensity to pe- 
ruse it, the versification of the above appears to me 
to be in some places elevated and striking ; in others, 
mean and inharmonious ; and some of the sentiments 
sublimely just and evangelical. The full stomach 
loathes the honeycomb ; but to the hungry soul, 
every morsel which feelingly expresses the bitterness 
of self and sin is sweet. " Is not the gleanings of the 
grapes of Ephraim better than the vintage of Abie- 



zer 



?" 



23. Some recollection was witnessed at the close 
of the afternoon meeting at the Park, and likewise >at 
a sitting in the evening at cousin Kaye's ; our friend 
Rebecca Wright, of North America, being present 
with us : nevertheless, in other parts of the day, upon 
slight provocations, too much impetuosity of temper 
was sorrowfully prevalent. Alas ! where is the 
meekness and gentleness of Christ Jesus ! " who, 
when he was reviled, reviled not again ; and when he 
suffered, he threatened not." Where are the fruits, 
of that heaven-born charity, which " suffereth long, 
and is kind ;" " is not easily provoked, thinketh no 
evil ;" " beareth all things, hopeth all things, and en«- 
dureth all things ?" 

29. My natural temper, although not wholly sup- 
pressed, has been measurably opposed ; the least al- 



171 

leviation of, or deliverance from evil, is a fresh cause 
of joy to those, who are sighing under a heartfelt 
> sense of the sins which so easily beset them. Lord, 
u lead us not into temptation," but, in thy own time, 
deliver us from all evil ; for thine only is the power, 
and to thee only the glory is due for ever. 

30. At the Park meeting, in the forenoon, heavi- 
ness was for a time attendant ; but afterwards I was 
favoured with some sense of that hope which enters 
within the vail ; even Christ within, the hope of 
glory ; in whom is the adoption and fulfilling of the 
promises. The latter part of the meeting was, I hope, 
on the whole, solemn and profitable. The afternoon 
meeting was throughout heavy, though, in my own 
particular, not without some desires after divine 
good. 



Fifth Month, 1786. 

3. In the evening I was favoured, while walking, 
with some sensation of " the gift of Gcd, which is 
eternal life." 

4. At the Park evening meeting, in the early part, 
during the silence, and under the lively ministry of 
W. S. I was favoured with a renewed sensation of 
the gift of God ; the after-part of the meeting was 
low, although many words were spoken. 

7. In the forenoon meeting, at Hartford, the ne- 
cessity of a deep heartfelt repentance, and of that sal- 



172 

vation which is only by the grace of our Lord Jesus 
.Christ, was expressed in a short testimony. 

21. The forenoon meeting was large ; a short 
testimony was delivered concerning the Minister of 
the sanctuary which God has pitched, who is " an 
High Priest for ever, after the order of Melchise- 
dec ;" and the sufficiency of his teachings. The af- 
ternoon meeting was low. At the interment of the 
wife of J. F. who was not a member of our society, 
there seemed to be a revival of divine favour in si- 
lence, and during the testimony of M. P. I after- 
wards walked by the Seal Wood, attended with a de- 
gree of recollection : outwardly, the singing of birds 
is heard, but internally, the robes of winter and sack- 
cloth continue to be the covering of my spirit. 

22. Read, with some savour and spiritual applica- 
tion, some chapters of the Evangelist John. "Great 
is the mystery of Godliness" and of faith, when held 
in a pure conscience, washed " by the blood of sprin- 
kling," and " sanctified by the Holy Ghost." 



Sixth Month, 1786. 

10. Soon after I sat down in the forenoon meet- 
ing, some degree of supernatural solemnity seemed 
not only to cover my own mind, but measurably the 
assembly in general. The Patriarch's petition, con- 
cerning one of the tribes of Israel who was tried at 
Massah, and proved at the waters of Meribah, wa^s 



173 

strongly impressed, with a pointing to express the 
same, with some similar expressions ; our friend, 
Rudd Wheeler, coming in, I remained in silence ; if 
either myself or others suffered by my so doing, I am 
sorry for it, but I should have been more sorry, if I, 
had broke in upon the concern of another. The meet- 
ing was wholly silent, but seemed an uncommonly 
favoured season. 

11. Walking by Dunkirks towards Brickendon 
place, as I sat on the bench, I read the 13th and 14th 
chapters of the Evangelist John, and contemplated 
the great mystery of godliness contained in them, with 
some recollection and spiritual perception of the 
things which are written. 

19. Our friend Zachariah Dicks, of North Caroli- 
na, came in the morning to our house, and attended 
a meeting appointed at Hartford in the forenoon. 1 
passed most of the afternoon measurably recollected, 
in the house belonging to Dunkirks 5 farm, where, in 
the time of T. Grubb, I had been so frequently re- 
freshed both in respect to body and mind ; I remember- 
ed the days of my youth, and the love of my espousals ; 
I was then very defective, and am I now nearer 
the kingdom of God, which is " righteousness, peace 
and joy in the Holy Ghost I" 

21. In the week-day meeting, the attention of my- 
self and others present was recalled to the great 
Physician, who said to the petitioning leper, " I will ; 
be thou clean." 

Q2 



174 

25. In the forenoon meeting at Hartford, I was 
measurably quickened under the ministry of M. P. 
who bore a living testimony to Him, "who quicken- 
cth the dead," and suffered without the gates of Jeru- 
salem, that he might sanctify the people with his own 
blood ; in concurrence with which, a few words were 
added in respect to the having fellowship with him in 
his sufferings : upon the whole it seemed rather a fa* 
voured season, especially towards the latter part. Sa- 
rah Beck and Sarah Sheldon were at Ware in the af- 
ternoon ; rather a low season, although divers evange- 
lical truths were delivered by the former. 



Seventh Month, 1786. 

2, The dead was again in some degree raised, 
under a short testimony delivered by M. P. concern- 
ing the number of dry bones formerly beheld by the 
prophet. 

3. The monthly meeting was small, and a low 
season ; I withdrew before the business was fully fi- 
nished. As I walked towards Hartingfordbury, and 
stood in the meadows on the banks of the river Min- 
eram, my mind became measurably calmed, and aw- 
fully impressed, under a sense of that Almighty Be- 
ing, " who made heaven and earth, the sea, and the 
fountains of water." My soul has long been " tossed 
with tempests, and not comforted." In the late hours 
of my life, may the Prince of Peace, who commanded 



175 



the tumultuous waves, speak peace, and bruise satan? 
the author of strife. 

5. The week-day meeting very small, but rather a 
solid season. The sitting at the feet of Jesus, to hear 
his gracious words, was recommended in a short tes- 
timony. 

9. At Hunsdown general meeting, few words 
were spoken ; M. P. and myself were present, and I 
hope measurably exercised in a ministry, which, with- 
out the medium of vocal language, has a tendency to 
gather others who are present under the wing of the 
great Shepherd, whose name is " Emanuel, which, be* 
ing interpreted, is, God with us." 

15. Some part of this week has passed pretty fair- 
ly : " the fruits of righteousness, which are sown in 
peace," have this day been despoiled, as by a dry 
wind from the wilderness. 

16. In the early part of the morning meeting, I sat 
in a state of heaviness and great helplessness ; my se- 
cret sighs were many, and my heart was sad ; but 
ere I was aware, a testimony was internally formed 
to the nature and universality of the true light, which 
shineth in darkness ; " Christ within the hope of glo- 
ry," and "the mystery hid from ages and genera- 
tions;" but now manifested by the gospel of light and 
immortality. No liberty for utterance attended. M. 
P. was afterwards exercised acceptably in a public 
ministry. 

17. In the afternoon was at J. Allis's, whose son-in- 
law, my worthy and beloved friend and kind landlord, 



176 

J. Kaye, was present ; who, although in the bloom of 
youth, is in a declining state. What is man but the 
creature of an hour, as a bubble upon the water ? 
" he cometh forth as a flower, and is cut down : he 
fleeth also as a shadow, and continueth not." May the 
Lord, in mercy, from whom only are the deliverances 
from death, prolong yet a little a life so valuable, and 
useful to myself and many others I 

19. In the early part of the week-day meeting, a 
recommendation to sit as at the footstool of that re- 
deeming grace, which alone "bringeth salvation," and 
teacheth to deny all ungodliness, was mentally form- 
ed, but not expressed. 

20. I remembered the Lord, whose mercies " are 
new every morning ;" of which I am unworthy. I 
admonished, in a cross to my own will, two members 
of our monthly meeting, who had behaved inconsist- 
ently with their Christian profession. 

21. Went in a chaise to Berkamsted, Cheshunt, 
&c. On my coming home, I was informed of the de- 
cease of my esteemed kinswoman, M. C. who, for 
many years past, had been at times an assistant in our 
family when in Tooley-street, and always conducted 
herself towards me in a kind and obliging manner : 
she was poor in this world, but I believe for some 
years had been seeking after those riches which fail 
not ; under a sense of the weakness and depravity of 
human nature, and invalidity of those things which 
perish with the using. 

23. In the forenoon meeting, those present 



177 

were recommended to " the fountain of living wa- 
ters. 5 ' 

28. How innumerable are the Lord's mercies re- 
specting the dispensation both of his grace and provi- 
dence ! Without him not a sparrow perisheth. 

29. A very tempestuous day with respect to wea- 
ther, but some part of it rather serene within ; but low 
in respest to that life which is " by faith in the Son of 
God." Divers days in the preceding week have been 
passed in a similar manner. 

SO. In the forenoon meeting, some desires that 
those present might be inwardly gathered to the great 
Shepherd, who laid down his life for his sheep, were 
formed and expressed. 

31. In the evening, sitting on Queen's-bench, 
with some tenderness of spirit, I sought forgiveness 
©f the errors of the preceding month in particular, 
and of my past life in the general, which have been 
many. Lord, pardon ; Lord, save, or I perish. The 
Lord's way is in the whirlwind, " and the clouds are 
the dust of his feet. 



Eighth Month, 1786* 

2. Every vision of inoffensive amusement fails, 
when the spoiler is present. 

4. The fore-part of the day tincommonly luminous 
and comfortable ; before dinner, sitting in the Grange- 
road, I was measurably recollected, and read divers 



178 

portions of Holy Writ, particularly the 5th and 7th 
chapters of Micah, and the 1st of Nahum : in the lat- 
ter I remarked those gracious promises, " Though I 
have afflicted thee, I will afflict thee no more : I will 
break his yoke from off thee, and burst thy bonds in 
sunder." " Behold, upon the mountains, the feet of 
him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth 
peace." 

5. Notwithstanding the views of the last, this was 
a day of deep and heartfelt distress ; the yoke was re- 
newed, and my bonds strengthened, because of unpro- 
fitable discourse 

6. The monthly meeting held for worship at Ham- 
mersmith was silent, in respect to verbal testimo- 
nies ; and if I was not mistaken in my feelings, a de- 
gree of interior silence was the companion of some 
spirits present ; I myself was also measurably a par- 
taker of the benefit. 

12. For the most part of the past week, a desire 
has attended my mind, that I might be delivered from 
evil, which has in degree been graciously answered ; 
but 1 have been weak respecting religious retirement, 
and too deficient also in reading the Holy Scrip- 
tures. 

13. In going to the general meeting at Cross- 
brook-street, I was inwardly so poor, that I could 
scarce say, " Lord, be merciful to me a sinner ;" yet 
there was a desire that peace and silence might pre- 
vail, at least in my own particular. After some time 
of sitting, my mind became, suddenly impressed with 



179 

a sense of the burthen of the word of the Lord, which 
is " as a fire, and a hammer, that breaketh the rocks 
in pieces ;" and the necessity of its influence and . 
operation on all, that the crown of pride might be 
abased ; not only in the exterior adorning " of plait- 
ing the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of the putting 
on of apparel," but in the more hidden workings of 
the mystery of iniquity ; the filthy rags of our own 
righteousness. 

16. In the week-day meeting, some words were 
spoken, concerning that prayer which is " in the 
spirit, and not in the letter." The meeting was very 
small, but rather solid. 

22. In the morning, I read some portions in that 
part of scripture which is deemed apocryphal, with 
some degree of savour and application ; particularly 
the 2d and 3d chapters of the Wisdom of Solomon, 
and the prayei? of Manasses king of Juda, when he 
washolden captive in Babylon. 

24. In the evening, I found an inclination to attend 
the Park meeting ; I remembered my attending that 
meeting in the days of my youth, when the Lord was 
calling me by his grace to be a disciple of his Son 
Jesus Christ ; who, during a long pilgrimage in a 
world of trouble and accumulated woe, hath at times 
been as " the shadow of a great rock in aweary land." 
May he be graciously pleased yet to arise upon my 
benighted mind, in the effulgence of the Father's 
glory, 



180 

26. The fore-part of this week was rather placid 
and serene : religious retirement and reading were 
not wholly unattended to. 

27. Our friend, Z. Cockfield, being buried from 
Ratcliff, the meeting was very large, and in a good 
degree solemn and favoured. 

31. The evening meeting at the Park was small, 
and much of the time passed in silence ; I myself was 
peaceable, but poor, destitute of that deep exercise 
and those deep openings which are experienced, 
when " deep calleth unto deep/' and the water spouts 
descend upon the dry ground. 



Ninth Month, 1786. 

From the 13th to the 25th I was confined; inter- 
nally my state gloomy : searching the scriptures, and 
other experimental records, could not perceive the 
condition of any parallel with mine. " Is it therefore 
nothing to you, all ye that pass by ? Behold and see, 
is there any sorrow like unto my sorrow, which is 
done unto me, wherewith the Lord hath afflicted me." 
He hath made me desolate and faint all the day; the 
yoke of my transgressions is bound by his hand : 
a they are wreathed/' and fallen heavy upoivme. 



Tenth Mon*h, 1786. 

To the 3d of this month I continued confined; 
with this additional distressing circumstance, such a 
cough as I do not remember to have had before. 

16. About noon I was seized with so violent a 
spasm at the bottom of Mill Lane, that I was brought 
home, by three men, entirely helpless ; no bodily 
strength remaining, and little sense but that of the 
danger of immediate dissolution, and my own unfit- 
ness to appear before a God of purity, peace, and 
love ; whose Son, our Saviour, and only Mediator 
with the Father, when he suffered for us, reviled not 
again; " who his own self bare our sins in his own 
body on the tree ; that we, being dead to sin, might 
live unto righteousness ;" by whose stripes we only 
can be healed: very wonderfully I received a re- 
prieve for a few hours from the grave. 

22. Great and inexpressible has been the lowness 
of my flesh and spirit ; " my sighs have been many," 
and my heart has been sad ; an universal languor has 
seemed to pervade my whole system. I have indeed 
been more conversant in a copy of the Night 
Thoughts, which accidentally came to hand, than for 
many years before ; and the following address to the 
Deity has been frequently revived in my remem- 
brance, with an application to my own state of cap- 
tivity and desolation. 

R 



182 

Father of immortality to man ! 
And Thou the next ! yet equal ! Thou, by whom' 
That blessing- was convey'd ; far more ! was bought \ 
Ineffable the price ! by whom all w r orlds 
Were made ; and one redeem'd ! Illustrious light, 

— Look down, look down, 

On a poor breathing particle in dust, 
Or, lower, an Immortal in his crimes. 
His crimes forgive ! 

29. Another week of great distress ; day unto day 
has uttered the language of self-condemnation, and 
night unto night has shewn the knowledge of my own 
vileness, and unmeetness to appear before Him, who 
is " of purer eyes than to behold evil." Divers 
times — daily, an exhortation contained in 4th chap. 1 st 
epistle of Peter, which I read this day week, hath been 
renewed in my remembrance ; with desires that the 
Lord may prosper so necessary and important an ex- 
ercise, and cause me continually to increase therein, 
viz. " The end of all things is at hand : be sober, and 
watch unto prayer :" during a disturbed night, this 
exhortation was very frequently renewed in my re- 
membrance. Reading in the morning the 57th chap- 
ter of the prophet Isaiah, the following verses were 
impressed upon my mind ; " for the iniquity of his 
covetousness was I wroth, and smote him ; I hid me, 
and was wroth, and he went on frowardly in the way 
of his heart : I have seen his ways, and will heal him : 
I will lead him also, and restore comforts unto him, 
and to his* mourners i" they remained on my mind 



183 

during the course of the forenoon meeting, with a re- 
ference to my own state, and the covetousness of my 
own heart ; a covetousness neither of silver nor gold, 
nor the praise of men ; yet of things that perish with 
the using. The meeting was large and silent, and I 
hope profitable to some. 



Eleventh Month, 1786. 

5. I was desirous of attending the forenoon meet- 
ing, but the day being very cold I was prevented ; 
my heart doth not much condemn me for a neglect of 
the attendance of religious assemblies when in health, 
and a desire after an inward exercise of spirit before 
Him who seeth in secret ; but I now see more dili- 
gence might have been practised even in that respect ; 
I have been particularly led to see the importance of 
that duty, by the late perusal of a treatise, entitled, 
" The Privy Key of Heaven," by Thomas Brooks, in 
which the worthy author recommends mental prayer, 
in the following pathetic address, by way of reply to 
an objection against the duties of the closet. " Thou 
sayest thou canst not pray ; but canst thou not sigh 
nor groan neither ? there may be the spirit of adop- 
tion in sighs and groans, as well as in vocal prayer : 
the force, the virtue, the efficacy, the excellence of 
prayer, doth not consist in the number and flourish of 
words ; but in the supernatural motions of the spirit, 
in sighs, in groans, in pangs, and strong affections of 



184 

heart, that are unspeakable and unutterable : certain- 
ly the very soul of prayer consists in the pouring 
forth a man's soul before the Lord, though it be but in 
sighs, groans, and tears ; one sigh or tear from a 
broken heart is better pleasing to God than all human 
eloquence." By which it appears that T. Brooks and 
some of his brethren in that day, and under .that dis- 
pensation, were not wholly unacquainted with that 
prayer which is " in the spirit, and not in the letter :" 
although strangers to the glory, beauty, and excel- 
lency of silence in solemn assemblies, as they have 
been conspicuously and clearly manifested to those 
called Quakers ; concerning whom, it may, in this 
respect, be said, " Who is like unto thee ; a people, 
favoured by the Lord," herein, " above thy fellows \" 
12. Again prevented from attending meeting. O ! 
that I had been more diligent when better able. 
Although, from the time I was visited with the day 
spring from on high, I have remembered the Lord, 
and " the word of his holiness ;" and have neither 
sought the riches, nor what are commonly called the 
pleasures of the world, yet I have been too much at- 
tached to the things which are seen, and which have 
perished with the using ; the most pleasing of which 
has usually proved as the prophetic roll, sweet in the 
mouth, but bitter in the belly. O thou ! who de- 
lightest in mercy, and " forgive st iniquity, transgres- 
sion and sin ; M let thy mercy be great, and, through 
the blood of the everlasting covenant, purify and par- 



185 

don at the hour of death ! My sister S. was buried 
this evening at Ratcliff. 

1 3. The petition of the preceding evening, for pu- 
rification and pardon, being measurably maintained, 
in the afternoon I perused divers parts of the scrip- 
ture, in which I had been frequently conversant, with 
more savour than at other times. O Lord, sanctify 
the solitary chamber I may it be sanctified through 
the truth ! so as to become a school for my instruc- 
tion in righteousness. 

15. Within doors : pretty peaceable in the day, 
but in the evening my soul became as the troubled 
sea ; tempests arose, the waters roared, and were 
troubled, as by an east wind from the wilderness ; 
u not to fan nor to cleanse," nor I hope to make 
a full end of that small* degree of faith, which may 
yet remain in the bottom of my distressed mind; just- 
ly comparable "to a grain of mustard seed/ 5 which is 
the smallest of all seeds. 

19. At the forenoon meeting, those present were 
reminded of the apostolic recommendation, to wait 
for the coming and revelation of the Lord Jesus 
Christ. 

26, Although much heaviness and weakness were 
my attendants in the forenoon meeting, my mind was 
measurably enlarged, respecting the spirituality of 
prayer ; and the mistake of many of our fellow -pro- 
fessors of the holy Christian religion, who suppose 
the medium of vocal language essentially necessary 

to the making their requests known tp Him, who 

R2 



186 

a searcheth the hearts, and knoweth the mind of the 
spirit." I expressed nothing verbally. 

SO. At the commencement of this month, my con- 
tinuing here until the close of it appeared rather im- 
probable ; there is still less likelihood of my seeing 
the close of another : but our times and +he length of 
our days are in the hands of an all-wise Disposer, 
who sometimes is pleased to bring down the mighty, 
and to support the feeble ; his ways and the designs 
of his providence can never be ascertained by the ut- 
most efforts of human sagacity. My pilgrimage on 
earth has been long extended, but in many instances I 
have grievously erred and a fallen short of the glory 
of God," and of the gracious purposes of the heaven- 
ly vision with which I was favoured in the days of my 
youth : but are the bowels of the Lord's compassion 
and forgiveness for ever sealed towards me ; may 
he not yet find a ransom and return, and have mercy 
on the workmanship of his hands ? He will assured- 
ly visit for iniquity, transgression and sin ; but he 
knoweth our frame, that we are dust : distressed and 
self condemned, may I not despair of his loving-kind- 
nesses, which have been of old, and of his mercies, 
which fail not ? Lord, I would believe, " help thou 
mine unbelief." 



187 



Twelfth Month, 1786, 

1. My wife being one deputed by the women's 
meetings to inquire whether any connected with our 
society were not properly provided with bibles, I 
went with her to Hoddesdon and Worm ley for that 
purpose; and, on inquiry, one family appeared not 
duly furnished with one. How remiss are many pro- 
fessing with us, concerning the things which con- 
duce to their instruction in righteousness ; and how 
attentive to those which " perish with the using." 

4. Under much debility both of body and mind, 
I attended the monthly meeting ; our friend S. W. 
had a short but lively time in testimony ; two friends 
having previously declared their intentions of mar- 
riage. In the subsequent business a concern prevail- 
ed, that the answers to the quarterly meeting's que- 
ries might be faithfully expressed ; and all evasive 
representations avoided. 

6. In much weakness, I attended the marriage 
of J. S. and M. P. jun. a degree of solemnity seemed 
to prevail, particularly in the forepart f my mind was 
much impressed with a sense of the obligation and 
efficacy of drawing nigh unto God in spirit, according 
to that which is written, " Draw nigh to God, and he 
will draw nigh to you ;" and our incapacity to comply 
with so profitable a requisition, without a heavenly 
draught and attraction from above ; as it is written, 
" Draw us, we will run after thee ;" and again, " No 



138 

man can come to me, except the Father, which hath 
sent me, draw him." But I expressed nothing. 

7. In the evening, I remembered the words of the 
Lord Jesus, which I once heard livingly repeated, in a 
select sitting, by our dear friend G. D. " In my fa- 
ther's house are many mansions.'' But alas ! " what 
portion have I in David," or " inheritance in the Son 
of Jesse ?" It is not every one that calleth him Lord, 
Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven ; but he 
that doeth the will of his Father which is in heaven ; 
and they only who overcome shall inherit the pro- 
mises. 

8. In the morning watch, I remembered the many- 
mansions which are in the Father's house. 

10. I sat under great languor in the forenoon 
meeting, but was not wholly destitute of some feeble 
aspirations towards the God and Father of life, who is 
able to gird the feeble with strength, "fulfil aU the 
good pleasure of his goodness, and the work of faith 
with power ;" being distressed in the evening, and 
Luther's Commentary on the Galatians being particu- 
larly addressed to the wounded in spirit, I recurred 
thereto ; but on a perusal of some passages, it appear- 
ed to me that the author, in endeavouring to exalt 
" the foundation," built not only with " gold, silver, 
and precious stones," but with " wood, hay, and stub- 
ble ;" afterwards, I was profitably employed in hear- 
ing my wife read some more clear testimonies to the 
truth. 

13. I was at the week-day meeting, which was low, 



189 

small and silent. Our forefathers and many other 
faithful men were formerly feasted with the "fat 
things full of marrow," Which are on God's holy 
mountain ; they participated of the wine which is well 
refined from the lees ; but to some of us it is an un- 
merited mercy, to partake of the crumbs from the 
Master's table. 

14. In the forenoon, I read the 88th, 143d, and 
145th Psalms, with some spiritual savour and appli- 
cation to my own disconsolate state : I also dipped 
into John Bunyan's works, in which, with many mis- 
takes and inconsistencies, there are waymarks for the 
weary. Afterwards, I read the parable of the prodi- 
gal son*: I have been a prodigal ; but from my youth 
upwards there has been desires to return to the Fa- 
thers house, where the true bread is only found. 

17. T. D. of Surry, was at our forenoon meeting. 
When the showers are withheld both immediately and 
instrumentally, those who esteem themselves righte- 
ous are apt to attribute the cause to others present ; 
but the truly humble and penitent, who dwell under 
a deep sense of their own demerits, are rather ready 
to query, Is it I ? Is it I ? — I am indeed humbled, but 
not sufficiently so. 

25. This day being set apart for the commemora- 
tion of the birth of Christ, without a superstitious re- 
gard, I have annually, for some time past, viewed it 
with a degree of peculiar attention, and remembrance 
of that important event, in which all men have been 
interested ever since the commencement of time : I 



190 

have seen many of them ; the present in all probabili- 
ty will be the last ; why should I desire an addition to 
their number ? have I from year to year experienced 
an increase in the knowledge of Him, who took upon 
him flesh, in order to finish transgression, and save 
his people from their sins ? 

31. Many sorrowful days have been passed during 
the present year, and for some months past I have 
been in all human probability hastily advancing to that 
very awful, tremendous period, when time shall be 
no longer. This day there hath been some desires 
after good, but contrary things have too much had the 
prevalence ; and what can I now add in the close of 
the year 1786, but adopt the sentiments expressed by 
a pious writer, which I lately met with ; videlicet, " O 
Lord ! how soon will my life be at a period ! How 
little or nothing good have I worked, or how much 
have I wasted of my time only in vain thoughts ; and 
what shall I say of all the unprofitable, nay, sinful 
words and works ? O Lord ! I cannot answer thee one of 
a thousand ; I am ashamed and humbled in thy sight ; 
pardon me, pardon me, O Lord ! and if any time 
longer remains, grant that I may redeem it better, 
and bestow every part of it upon the most important 
and useful things, especially in prayers for myself 
and others : nay, let me spend all the few remaining 
hours as it were in prayers, and thus send them be- 
fore me into eternity, that I may reap a blessed fruit 
of every hour in the world to come. O therefore ! 
set eternity in all things before my eyes as my only 



191 



mark/' The prayer of Manasses king of Juda is 
also excellently adapted to the state of an awakened 
and disconsolate spirit. The evening was spent 
pretty much in reading, and religious conference. 
In many words frequently sin is not wanting, but 
I hope nothing, or at least but little, this evening was 
uttered, which was inconsistent with truth and sober- 
ness. 



First Month, 1787. 

1. Some good desires have attended, but evil also 
hath been present with me. A petition of a son of 
sorrow to the God of Israel w T as also the meditation 
of my spirit, viz. " O that thou wouldest bless me !" and 
keep me from evil, that it might not come near me, to 
grieve me; the root of evil is within : upon man's pri- 
maeval transgression and separation from the tree of 
life, it sprang up in him as a mighty tree, with a 
prolific growth and luxuriant branches, bearing fruit 
abundantly. " From within, out of the heart, proceed 
evil thoughts, 3 ' " anger, wrath, clamour, evil speak- 
ing ;" according to that which is written " When lust 
hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin, and sin, when it 
is finished, bringeth forth death :" these have been 
the sins which have so easily beset me; and have so 
frequently brought me into captivity to the law of sin 
and death : from them, good Lord ! deliver me, that 
I may, during the few moments remaining, " receive, 



192 

with meekness, the ingrafted word, which is able to 
save the soul." Amen, Lord Jesus, Amen. 

5. When the Lord visiteth his people because of 
their iniquities, " he invadeth them with his troops," 
and by their punishments, graveth before them, as 
M with a pen of iron, 5 ' the things in which they have 
transgressed ; I have derived too much consolation in 
the participation of the bread and wine that perisheth; 
but lo my strength hath failed! have I not been too 
inattentive to the spirit that quickeneth, and the law 
written within ? whilst I have with solicitude pursued 
religious improvement, by the things which have been 
written by faithful and true witnesses ; and behold, 
where are they ? If all knowledge fails as a brook, 
and as the stream of a brook, passeth away ; may I 
never forget the Lord, and his loving-kindness, which 
remains for ever. 

6, 7, and 8. I was much indisposed with dizzi- 
ness of sight and sense, my heart and my flesh failing; 
but I frequently remembered, with a degree of conso- 
lation, the declaration of Jehovah to his former people, 
viz. " O Israel ! thou hast destroyed thyself,but in me 
is thy help." 

26. I was much depressed by being suddenly in- 
formed of the decease of our aoar and worthy friend 
Samuel Nottingham; whose lively labours in the mi- 
nistry of the gospel, and exemplary conversation, made 
strong and lasting impressions on myself and wife, 
when with us at Hartford, above three years ago. 



193 

2r. My bodily health and strength in the course of 
this week has been rather increased ; but where has 
been my grateful returns to the Preserver of men, 
who, "bringeth down to the grave, and lifteth up." 
How unnecessarily are we often alarmed in respect 
to the casualties which may befall a body which soon 
must perish ; but too inattentive are we to the dis- 
eases which attend a soul, which was formed for eter- 
nal existence ! 

28. The fore part of the day was rather luminous, 
both in respect to body and mind : I remembered the 
Lord that made me ; the God and giver of every good 
gift, who " will bring every work into judgment, with 
every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it 
be evil :" in some degree I also sought after that 
peace which passeth knowledge. 

30. The day was passed more luminously than 
some : in the evening divers friends were with us ; but 
little conversation passed which tended to edification, 
or a forwarding one another in the faith of Christ, 
w that faith which works by love." When we are to- 
gether, outward and verbal opposition may be measu- 
rably avoided, but tumults and swellings may be felt 
within, which ought to be suppressed. We may es- 
teem some of our fellow-men, and fellow-members, 
over-zealous, and others too lax and indifferent ; yet 
both parties may in degree be actuated by the same 
spirit and love of truth; although by natural com* 
plexions and prejudices they may in some respects 

%e perverted from a perfect rectitude of judgment : 

S 



194 

in those cases we ought to forgive, as we desire to be 
forgiven, and to bear with the errors of those we may 
esteem mistaken ; at the same time desiring all may 
be preserved from that mammon of unrighteousness, 
which leadeth men to justify themselves, and to de- 
spise others. 

3 1 . This day was passed pretty peaceably as to the 
outward, and without much cause for condemnation 
in that respect ; but ought not the inside of the cup 
and platter also to be made clean ? for " out of the 
heart proceed evil thoughts." 



Second Month, 1787. 

1. With God all things are possible, u He bring- 
eth down to the grave, and he lifteth up ;" His is the 
power and the glory for ever. Amen. 

4. After having been absent from our religious 
meetings ever since the first of the Twelfth month at 
Hartford, I once more attended the forenoon meeting, 
which, although small, was in a good degree satis- 
factory ; I had cause of thankfulness to Him, who 
hath the key of David, and openeth when, where, and 
to whom, he pleaseth ; that notwithstanding my un- 
worthiness, he did not appear to be wholly withdrawn ; 
matter being freely and plentifully opened, with an ap- 
plication to myself and those present : but, alas ! I 
have been " a man of unclean lips, and have dwelt 
among a people of unclean lips ;" and what remaineth 



195 

for me now, but that I wait for the salvation of God ; 
and in much bowedness and nothingness of self, re- 
ceive what may be graciously imparted by Him, who 
" giveth liberally and upbraideth not ?" 

10. This week has not been passed without 
some aspirations after a divine life, and that forgive- 
ness of the past evil, which is only from God, through 
Christ, " whom he hath set forth to be a propitia- 
tion." 

1 1 . Although prevented from attending a public 
meeting for worship, or reading in the Holy Scrip- 
tures, by reason of my want of sight, at intervals I 
experienced some attraction of spirit towards the 
great " Minister of the Sanctuary," who is full of 
grace and truth, and fairer than the sons of men. 

14. In the preceding evenings I have been in some 
degree edified, by hearing my wife read William 
Law's answer to Dr. Travel ; an excellent perform, 
ance, replete with those pious and Catholic senti- 
ments which are dictated by the gospel of Christ : 
the wise in that wisdom which is from above, who la- 
bour to turn many to righteousness, shall shine ; their 
work shall remain in the generations which are yet 
to come ; w T hen the memory of those who have ex- 
celled in that wisdom which this world teaches shall 
be forgotten. 

17. After so long an absence, I was desirous of 
once more visiting Hartford and its environs ; but 
found great feebleness in the attempt : for behold, 
the day is now come in which the pillars of the house 



196 

tremble, * and those that look out of the windows are 
darkened ;" and the hour is at hand, in which " the 
silver cord shall be loosed, and the golden bowl bro- 
ken. 55 

18. After along absence, I went with great feeble- 
ness of flesh and spirit, in a chaise, to the forenoon 
meeting at Hartford : early in the meeting a short 
testimony was delivered to the divine light and word, 
which is near in the heart and in the mouth ; accord- 
ing to that which is written, " The word which God 
sent unto the children of Israel, preaching peace by 
Jesus Christ (he is Lord of all)." Our friend, M. P. 
was afterwards much enlarged in a living and evan- 
gelical ministry. 

19. Be ye always ready, for ye know not the day 
nor the hour in which the Son of Man cometh, was 
often revived in my remembrance during the course 
of the day. I was not sensible of much cause for con- 
demnation. 

21. Great weakness and heaviness attended me in 
the week-day meeting ; I strove against the latter, not 
without some desires towards Him, who " quickeneth 
the dead." 

24. How wonderful are the ways of the Preserver 
of men, both in respect to our immortal spirits and 
those material forms with which they are clothed ! 
a He bringeth low, and he lifteth up :" adorable are 
all his ways ; in consummate wisdom are they formed. 
During the last week I have experienced some in- 
crease in bodily strength ; but has there been any h> 



197 



crease attained in that spiritual strength which is by- 
faith in the Son of God ? it has indeed been sought 
for; but great feebleness* and imbecility have been 
my companions. 

25. In the forenoon meeting, after a long and la- 
borious silence, those present were exhorted to seek 
after that spiritual enlargement which is by the di- 
vine gift and grace of the Redeemer. In the even- 
ing walked once more by Kamp's Hill to the brick 
ground, and in much weakness sought to set up my 
Ebenezer to Him, who hitherto hath helped me. 

26. My bodily strength is indeed increased, but, 
alas ! I am afraid indeed of every view of inoffen- 
sive gratification, lest interruptions and contrary oc- 
currences should despoil the peaceable fruits of righ- 
teousness. 

28. Towards the conclusion of the week-day meet- 
ing, a short testimony was delivered, recommend- 
ing to a true and living faith in God and Christ ; ac- 
cording to that which is written, u Ye believe in God, 
believe also in me :" before I stood up, some life 
and freshness seemed to be attendant on the open- 
ing, but on the expressing it to others, great weak- 
ness and languor both of flesh and spirit were my por- 
tion ; and I sat down abashed, and in a very different 
sensation from my exercise on the 18th of the last 
month. 

S 2 



198 



Third Month, 1787. 

3. Neither the present day, nor the week preced- 
ing, have been spent so well as they ought ; never- 
theless, in each day, desires after the best things 
have been attendant. 

4. Attended the forenoon meeting which was held 
in silence; some interior sense of the silencing influ- . 
ence of Emanuel, who commandeth the waves and 
the seas, and they are still, was graciously experien- 
ced. I have frequently wondered at our being more 
•ften favoured with those sensations in our religious 
meetings, than at other times ; but I recollect that M r e 
are exhorted, not to forsake " the assembling of our- 
selves together;" and that at such times we are 
more free from the impediments of peace and recol- 
lection, than we are in our own families and other 
places. O ! the beauty and excellency of that spirit- 
ual silence, in which we feel after the Lord, who is 
" not far from every one of us," in the temple of our 
own hearts ; according to the divine and obligatory 
monitions, a Be still, and know that I am God." 
a Keep silence before me, O islands ! and let the peo- 
ple renew their strength : let them draw near, then 
let them speak ; let them come near together to judg- 
ment." I am fully persuaded, if this exercise was 
maintained, our religious meetings would be for the 
Yriost part attended with a divine solemnity, superior 



199 

to those of our fellow-professors of the holy Christian 
religion. 

5. In the monthly meeting, friends were excited to 
a faithful labour in a discharge of religious duties, by a 
revival of these words, u The labourer is worthy of 
his hire." After the women friends withdrew, those 
present were reminded of a labour essentially neces- 
sary for all, viz. a drawing near in spirit to Him, who 
is able to forgive their iniquities, and heal their dis- 
eases : the subsequent business was transacted in a 
spirit of love and condescension. 

6, 7 and 8. All these days I was in great perplexi* 
ty, occasioned by various encumbering and embarra^^ 
sing views ; I could see no way. 

11. At the forenoon meeting at Hitchin, S. C. 
and M. R. appeared in acceptable testimonies : re- 
specting myself, the vision within was as a sealed 
book; heaviness attended, which I endeavoured to re- 
sist, according to the proportion of faith and strength 
imparted. 

14. A low silent meeting at Hartford : dined at 
Am well, and assisted cousin D. H. in selecting books 
for M. S. from her father's library : walked once more 
into the shrubberies of my late brother. 

17. In Tooley-street. This day I was preserved 
measurably under the precious influence of the Prince 
of Peace. 

18. I pursued in spirit after peace ; nevertheless, 
perturbations were too prevalent. In the evening my 
wife read some testimonies of Christian friends, O 



200 

for patience, from the God of patience ! from whom 
proceeds mercy and forgiveness, " and every good 
and perfect gift ;" praises wait for him in Zion, who 
preserveth his prisoners, and those who are appointed 
to die ; he only looseth the captives. 

21. The pillars of the house trembled, the sound 
of the grinding was low, and every desix-e and hope 
of help seemed to fail. 



Fourth Month, 1787. 

1. In the forenoon meeting, after a long sitting in 
silence, those present were reminded of the penalty 
annexed to our first parent, in case of his disobedi- 
ence ; according to that which is written, "For in the 
day that thou eatest thereof, thou shalt surely die : #i 
and that all his posterity have " sinned, after the simi- 
litude of Adam's transgression." Afterwards those 
present were reminded of the redemption which is 
by Christ Jesus ; " the fountain opened" " for 
sin and for unclcanness." The meeting held long, 
but I hope was measurably a solid and favoured sea- 
son. 

2. In the monthly meeting, before the women 
friends withdrew, it appeared to me, that a bare tra*- 
ditional belief in, or assent to, the coming of our Savi- 
our, his death and sufferings in the flesh, or the most 
strict adherence to our own moral and ceremonious 
righteousness, without experiencing Him reveaie<lin 



201 

us, as our wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and 
redemption, will prove unavailable to our salvation ; 
according to that which is written, unless Christ be in 
you, ye are reprobates. 

3. I wrote a few lines, condemning myself, and re* 
questing the forgiveness of the friend, to whose re- 
mark I had made a hasty and unadvised reply in 
the meeting 2 in the evening shewed the same to 
M. P. 

6. This day is set apart by the churches of Rome 
and England, for the commemoration of the Resur- 
rection of Christ from the dead : may we experience 
being " buried with him by baptism into death," and a 
being raised by him, through that faith which is " of 
the operation of God." 

8. Went to Horslydown meeting in the afternoon^ 
a small, silent, suffering season. I was deeply dis* 
tressed by the enemy of peace before I slept. 

9. I was in the outward room at the quarterly 
meeting, at Devonshire House, before the men and 
women separated ; it was a large and solemn sitting, 
although chiefly held in silence ; there seemed virtue 
to go forth from Jesus, and to be extended to those 
who were afar off: I was favoured with some distant 
views of Him, who is " the repairer of the breach, the 
restorer of paths to dwell in." 

14. Came to Hartford. This week, together with 
many preceding ones, has been passed in much low- 
ness r in respeet to the small excursions I have made 



202 

in the city and its environs, I can truly say- I have 
had little pleasure in them. 

15. Jfust before the close of the forenoon meeting" 
a sueing out of a pardon from the King of kings ; not 
by " thousands of rams, nor with ten thousands of ri- 
vers of oil," neither by the law of any carnal com- 
mandment, but by " the power of an endless life," 
was recommended to the assembly : for a time, my 
mind was rather warmed and impressed with a sense 
of the inestimable gift. 

16. I received a very kind, affectionate, and sym- 
pathizing letter, from the friend whom I had offended 
on the 2d instant ; the receipt of which afforded some 
consolation to my wounded spirit. 

18. The forepart of the week-day meeting was 
both unsettled and heavy ; afterwards some degree of 
solemnity seemed to attend ; and I was enabled in 
much weakness to look towards that beneficent Being, 
who promised to " bring the blind by a way which 
they knew not," and to "lead them in paths which 
they have not known ;" to " make darkness light be- 
fore them, and crooked things strait." 

2 1 . Every alleviation of evil is of grace, and ought 
to be received with thanksgiving. In the past week, 
I have in some degree been preserved from the 
ebullitions of turbulence ; nevertheless, I have had 
abundant cause to adopt the plaintive language of the 
church formerly, " my leanness, my leanness !" The 
language of my spirit has been continued almost in- 
cessantly, Lord, I would believe, "help thou mine un- 



203 

belief.' 1 I cannot rest satisfied with the reports of 
faithful witnesses, even those which are recorded in 
the sacred writings, without a witness freshly impart- 
ed from on high, and a record from heaven, that the 
Son of God is come, and hath given me an understand- 
ing according to what he personally pronounced when 
on earth, viz. Thy sins, which have been many, arc 
forgiven thee. 

23. I see my manifold calamities in measure arise 
from a secret, undesired, and almost unperceived in- 
fidelity. Unfaithfulness to discoveries of duties, 
plainly imparted, is the parent of doubtings and dis- 
trusts. He that doeth the will of God, " shall know of 
the doctrine: 5 ' " my feet have stumbled upon the dark 
mountains ;" I have been as " a reed shaken with the 
wind," and more tossed with tempests than many who 
have been at ease in Zion, unemptied " from vessel to 
vessel;" but with a standard of their own formation, 
or the prejudices of an unrightly informed education, 
with much supposed readiness and clearness of judg- 
ment, are judging of the attributes of God, his deal- 
ings with man, and the nature of a future state of ex- 
istence : but the day is coming, in which every false- 
rest and mistaken judgment must be disturbed; in 
which deep only shall call unto deep, and the blind 
see out of darkness and obscurity : Lord, hasten this ! 
the day of salvation ; make plain thy paths to babes 
and sucklings, for the sake of thy Son, who is the 
light of life, and can open the blind eyes. Amen, 



204 

29. « There is no peace to the wicked," but the 
righteous is as a " green olive tree," in the garden of 
God ; and standeth fast upon the mountains of holi- 
ness and everlasting strength ; he shall not be over- 
much dismayed at the terror which walketh in dark- 
ness, nor the desolation which wasteth at noon- 
day. 

30. Rather placid and peaceful ; not entirely void 
of thankfulness on account of my dear wife's indispo- 
sition being alleviated: I am not likely to be long 
with her, but find an increasing degree of affection 
and tenderness towards her, and of gratitude for her 
past and long continued goodness. We have lived 
together in the connubial state for near thirty-two 
years, in much concurrence and similarity of senti- 
ments, in matters of importance ; both in respect to 
things spiritual and temporal ; frequently seeking 
with some solicitude after those things which apper- 
tain to life and salvation : the seed of the kingdom has 
been plentifully dispensed within us, but an enemy 
has likewise sown tares, which have sprung up, and 
too greatly prevented the good seed from growing up 
to maturity : with the men of Succoth, we have been 
taught with the briars and thorns of the wilderness, 
which many times, and often, caused us to " go mourn- 
ing all the day long/' and to bow down our souls as 
the street and the ground, to them which went over. 
Now the time of separation is near, arise, O Lord ! 
"thou and the ark of thy strength;" rebuke the de- 



205 

vourer, and put a hook into the jaws of Leviathan, for 
our souls sake, and the sake of thy beloved Son, who 
only is able to save ; to whom be the praise of his 
works. Amen and Amen. 

7. I was informed of the decease 6f my dear friend 
John Kaye. He was early favoured with the visita- 
tions of divine grace and truth, and being obedient to 
the heavenly vision, he became " as gold" seven times 
" tried in the fire ;" an example to believers, « in word, 
in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity :" having also a 
good report amongst those that were without, by many 
of whom he was greatly beloved, and his death is 
deeply deplored : and of him it may be truly said, 
as of righteous Abel, that "being dead, he yet speak - 
eth." 



Fifth Month, 1787. 

9. At the week day meeting, the translation of 
the beggar into Abraham's bosom was much before 
me, 

13. At Cross-brook-street meeting, after sitting 
some time, these words were imparted, viz. " Out of 
the belly of hell cried I unto thee, and thou heardest 
my voice ;" they remained as a nail fastened in a sure 
place " by the Master of assemblies/' during the sit- 
ting, and the subsequent part of the day, and night fol- 
lowing, 

T 






206 

14. My wife read to me clivers passages of Holy- 
Scripture, in Job, Isaiah, and Jonah, which were ra- 
ther consolatory. 

24. At the Park evening meeting I was measura- 
bly recollected, in the room adjoining the meeting- 
house ; and enabled to look in much debilitation and 
weakness towards Him, who is entered within the 
vail, and who is able, by the might of his power, to 
destroy all the vails which remain, and to " swallow 
up death in victory." For a season, my mind seemed 
to acquiesce in the divine counsels and allotments, 
both in respect to time and eternity ; according to 
that which is written, " although he slay me, yet will 
I trust in him." 

26. Returned to Hartford. A remarkable change 
from former days at this period of the year ; but a 
still greater change is at hand : I cannot with any de- 
gree of rationality have the most distant expectation 
of seeing the return of another year : alas ! where shall 
I then be ? Futurity is a blank ; it baffles every vision ; 
excellent things have been spoken of Zion the city of 
God : but the most authentic and faithful records are 
as sealed books, unless freshly opened by Him, who 
hath " the key of David :" from whose internal docu- 
ments I have too much deviated. Lo ! now my dark- 
ness and distress is as the great deep : " is it nothing 
to you," who " are at ease in Zion," who are trust- 
ing in uncertain riches, or in the most dignified eleva- 
tions of an imperfect and creaturely rectitude ? 

27. I attended the forenoon meeting at Hartford; 



^07 

my horte was to participate of bread in secret, Irak 
alas ! heaviness and dissipation enclosed me as a gar- 
ment: various sentiments and scriptural passages 
passed my mind in a hasty and swift succession ; but 
alas ! what are the cogitations formed by or in the hu- 
man mind, unless impressed " by the Master of assem- 
blies," " as a nail in a sure place V what is the chaff 
to the wheat? it is the word, which is as a fire, and 
« like a hammer that breaketh the rocks in pieces," 
and opens the prison doors. 

29. Upon my bed, in the morning watch, the call 
of Jehovah to the men of Israel was brought to my 
remembrance, and continued with a lasting impres- 
sion during the succeeding day ; " Seek ye the Lord, 
and ye shall live." Came from Hartford to Toolcy- 
street. 

30. I was with my wife in the forenoon at Devon- 
shire House meeting ; a season of recollection, and I 
hope of some advantage to myself as an individual ; 
and in general a solid and favoured sitting. 

31. In the forenoon, much embarrased by a suc- 
cession of company, and some disagreeable confabula- 
tions which attended ; I have now no time to attend 
the works and ways of men : one work is only neces- 
sary, the work of salvation. Having for some time 
had a pointing to attend the evening meeting at Devon- 
shire House, I went ; at first sitting down I was much 
discouraged, on account of my own weakness in eve- 
ry respect, and the concourse and heat attendant ; be- 
fore many words were spoken, my mind was sudden- 



20B 

]y impressed with a sense of that spiritual and inter- 
nal worship, which can never be described by human 
eloquence ; nor attained by the wisdom, efforts, and 
righteousness of men: men may limit themselves-, 
and one another, and seek to set bounds to the great 
deep ; but they can never limit Him, who is illimita- 
ble ; who causeth his sun to arise, and his rain to de> 
scend, both on the just and the unjust ; who hath com- 
passion, when and where he will have compassion. 
u Search the Scriptures," was the command of our 
great Master, and is of universal obligation ; they 
ought to be searched by all ; but one word or sen- 
tence thereof, enforced by the wind which bloweth 
when and where it listeth, is of more efficacy than all 
creaturely researches of them, from the beginning of 
Genesis to the end of Revelations : but this ought to be 
no discouragement to a diligent perusal of their sacred 
records, in the lowest and most disconsolate seasons, 
when they may seem to us only as a dead letter; 
for the words which we then read, " as bread cast upon 
the waters," may be raised in power, after many days*. 
Our dear friend G. D. had afterwards living and 
evangelical ministrations, both in testimony and sup- 
plication. I came home better than I went. 



Sixth Month, 1787. 

1. In the room adjoining Horslydown meeting, 
soon after sitting down, I remembered that when many 



209 

people were assembled, the Messiah was pleased to 
. display that fulness of the Godhead which dwelt in 
him bodily ; and the power of the Lord was present 
to heal them ?on the same ought to be our only trust ; 
for " in vain is the help of man," and cursed are they 
who trust in him. The meeting was very much crowd- 
ed, and numerous testimonies were delivered by our 
female friends. 

3. I went to Devonshire House meeting ; soon af- 
ter I sat down the testimony of the Lord Christ was 
brought to my remembrance with a degree of power, 
viz. " If ye believe not that I am He, ye shall die in 
your sins :" do I truly believe in Him, whom God hath 
sent, by a faith which works by love, to the purifica- 
tion of my heart and conversation ? Am I through a 
true and living faith saved from those sins which so 
easily beset me? Shall I ever be saved from them, 
through faith in the Son of God ? All things are pos- 
sible to Him, with whom we have to do. The after<- 
Hoon meeting at Devonshire House, low and restless 
in the forepart, more solid and composed afterwards. 
Our friend John Gough had a large time in testimo- 
ny, "the hand-writing on the w^all" was set forth 
against those who only cry Lord, Lord ; who are 
u weighed in the balances and found wanting" in the 
oil of life, which only gives admittance into the bride- 
groom's chamber ; and whose kingdom is nearly fi- 
nished. I would not turn aside from the terrors and 
judgments of the Lord, which are so justly due to me ; 

neither would I harden my heart against « the sure 
T2 



210 

mercies of David," which fail not : is not he who 
writes " the sins of Judah," as " with a pen of iron," 
able to cast them as into the depths of the sea ; and to 
remove the hand writing upon the wall ? He seeth 
not as man seeth ; who shall " say unto him, what dost 
thou ?" Nothing is withheld from him; the work is 
his, and to him only the power belongs. 

20. Soon after I sat down in the week-day meeting 
at Hartford, the call of Jehovah to his people formerly 
w r as renewed in my mind with a degree of power, viz. 
H Be still, and know that I am God :" many passages 
of holy writ, relative to the mission and ministry of 
the Messiah, by whom the Father now speaketh, who 
is a high " priest for ever, after the order of Mel- 
chisedec," were also attendant ; and continued with a 
degree of freshness during the sitting ; but I was fear- 
ful of expressing any thing, both on account of my 
own weakness in every respect, and unfitness for so 
solemn and important an exercise. 

24. The morning being very hot, I was much op- 
pressed in walking to meeting, and sat a considerable 
time in great languor both of flesh and spirit ; but our 
friend M. P. about the middle of the meeting, having 
a lively and evangelical time in supplication, I was 
measurably strengthened ; and the circumstance sub- 
sequent to the crucifixion of our Saviour, that when a 
soldier finding his body differing from his fellow-suf- 
ferers, thrusting a spear into his side, " forthwith 
there came thereout blood and water," was freshly re- 
newed in my remembrance ; together with some con* 



211 

siderations respecting the spiritual and mystical sig- 
nifications of that very singular event : but judged 
those sublime subjects more proper for my private 
meditation than for public utterance. 

27. Being better in my health a few days past 
when at Hitchin, than I had been for some months ; 
whilst there, my spirits were rather exhilerated ; and 
perhaps I might converse on subjects too freely 
among my friends, for in the tongue is deadly poison, 
and " in a multitude of words there wanteth not sin." 
I have often thought, that in the relating narratives 
there is a great aptitude to exceed the bounds of strict 
truth, by aggravating for a supposed imbellishment 
what we relate ; this is a species of falsehood I myself 
have been too guilty of, although not more so i believe 
than many others ; and have been condemned for the 
same by Him, who bringeth every word into judg- 
ment, and with a most unerring scrutiny and preci- 
sion distinguisheth the truth. For some time past I 
have had rather a recourse to palliatives, as, if I re- 
member right ; or a, suppose it might be so ; rather 
so and so. Although these subterfuges may be pre- 
ferable to downright and unguarded lying, yet they 
are beneath the dignity of real truth, which is bold as 
the day, and in no need of deceitful coverings ; there 
is therefore abundant cause for us to unite in the ad- 
dress uttered by one formerly, viz. O Lord ! keep thou 
the doors of our lips, that we offend not with our 
tongues, 



212 

29. During this- month, an increase in bodily 
strength has been continued. Some embarrassment 
on account of acute disease in the neighbourhood has 
for some days past been rather prevalent ; and in- 
terrupted a due gratitude and thankfulness for an in- 
crease of strength and health, beyond all human pro- 
bability ; but this day I remembered, with consolation 
and self-application, the following declarations in Holy 
writ, viz. " When Israel came out of Egypt," " Jordan 
was driven back ; the mountains skipped as rams, 
and the little hills as lambs f* the great mountain be- 
came a plain. 



Seventh Month, 1787. 

I . In the forenoon meeting, heaviness and lassi 
tude attended ; towards the close of the sitting, the 
spirit of heaviness was removed, and a religious ex- 
ercise increased ; all visions of a divine savour were 
withheld ; " the wind bloweth" when and " where it 
listeth." I hope this sitting in poverty and outward 
silence was profitable ; although before the close, as 
is too common, some were desirous of the meeting 
breaking up ; an error very inconsistent with the pro- 
fession of a patient waiting ; for, after we have long 
sat under the dominion of death, circumscribed with 
penury and distress, He who " turneth the shadow of 
death into the morning" is sometimes pleased, by an 
unexpected exertion of grace, to cause Iigat to arise 



213 

% 
out of obscurity ; to quicken the dead, and to call 
u those things which be not, as though they were j" 
Mis is the power, and to him the praise belongs. 

2. The monthly meeting was large and measura- 
bly satisfactory ; I was enabled, if I mistake not, to 
speak in the meeting for business with some clear- 
ness on various subjects. Walking in the evening in 
the meadows behind my former habitation, near Cow- 
bridge, I was enabled in weakness to petition the Su- 
preme Being, that sweetness of spirit might prevail ; 
that instead of the thorn, there might be the myrtle, 
and instead of the briar, the fir tree ; for a name and 
a sign not to be cut off, to the praise of the Prince of 
Peace. Amen. 

8. After attending the forenoon meeting at Hitch- 
in, I was at an evening meeting at Wymondly ; where, 
after two testimonies were delivered, there was along 
time in silence ; during which inward and religious 
exercise was experienced, and an increase of solemni- 
ty seemed to cover the large assembly, which I be- 
lieve was upon the whole satisfactory. 

25. Went in great distress to the evening meet- 
ing ; by a remembrance of that faith in Christ by 
which " the elders obtained a good report" before the 
law, and under the law ; but which is more conspicu- 
ously signified by the manifestation of God in the flesh 
and the publication of the gospel, I was measurably 
relieved. 

28. I have been at Hitchin above three weeks ; 



214 

have experienced during that period a considerable 
Increase of bodily health and strength; every increase 
in that which is of good " cometh from the Father of 
light" and spirits, whether it is ghostly or corporeal ; 
but that increase which is by the faith of Christ is in- 
estimably precious, the chiefest good ; and proceed- 
ing from Him who is from everlasting to everlasting, 
is of an everlasting duration : but in this, I have griev- 
ously fallen short ; when I would have done well, evil 
has been too frequently present with me : who shall 
deliver me from "the law in my members,'* which 
warreth against the law in my mind ? " I delight in 
the law of God, after the inward man." 

29. Two low meetings at Hitchin, and very small ; 
but I hope not altogether unprofitable. 

30. I went with my wife to Baldock monthly meet- 
ing, which was large and satisfactory ; our friend T. 
D. of Surry, being accidentally present, appeared in 
testimony : towards the close, some words were spo- 
ken concerning the benefit of a due attendance of such 
assemblies, if the minds of those present were exer- 
cised in feeling after that inward life, which far sur- 
passes all that is outward. 



Eighth Month, 1787. 

1. I came with my wife and sister D. from Hitch- 
in, having passed a month in and about that town ; my 
strength and health were considerably increased du- 



215 

ring that time ; but a due thankfulness for the unex- 
pected blessing received, and the fruits of righteous 
ness and peace, were greatly wanting. 

5. I was at Hartford meeting in the forenoon, 
which was a low season. 

6. Some degree of life seemed to attend in the 
monthly meeting. 

12. Went with my wife and M. P. in great weak- 
ness to Crossbrook-street general meeting, which was 
small, and to some a suffering season. 

15. I went in a coach to the week-day meeting, in 
much faintness and debilitation; but after sitting a 
while, some glances were imparted towards the great 
Physician, who heard the blind man, that earnestly 
sought for help from him ; He " is the same yester- 
day, tfr-day, and for ever," and "in Him dwelleth all 
the fulness of the godhead." I received a hint, if pos- 
sible to continue my diary, which has of late been too 
much neglected; it may perhaps be only necessary to 
add a few lines to those which are written. A peace- 
able day, with some desires after the love of God, 
which is in Christ Jesus. 

16 Great lowness and languor continue, the little 
degree of strength which was unexpectedly renewed 
being dried up as a potsherd ; I am in " the dust of 
death," but there is life in Christ, and that is the 
light of them who sit in darkness, bound in chains of 
affliction and iron. My wife read to me in Quarle's 
. Barnabas and Boanages, and some other pious 
books. 



216 

17. On my bed I suddenly remembered these 
words, which I found written in the 14th chapter of 
the book of Hosea, viz. " I will be as the dew unto Is- 
rael ; he shall grow as the lily, and cast forth his roots 
as Lebanon ;" a gracious promise. Very weak and 
low, but pretty clear from condemnation on account of 
temporary transgression. 

21. I came from Hartford to Tooley-street. 

25. Since I have been in London my bodily strength 
has increased, with frequent incitements to petulence- 
and peevishness ; nevertheless, desires have attended, 
that being " blind as the Lord's servant, seeing many 
things," but observing them not ; opening mine ears, 
but hearing not ; I might be delivered from " debates, 
envyings, wrath, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, 

swellings, tumults." 

26. I was rather recollected in the room adjoining 
to the Park meeting-house in the forenoon ; I remem- 
bered those who were tried at the water, and the men 
who lapped, even " as a dog lappeth." 

29. In the evening, with soreness in my throat, I 
Was cast down ; I remembered that awful and tre- 
mendous annunciation recorded in Holy writ; viz. 
" This night thy soul shall be required of thee." I 
have not been anxious to lay up treasure on earth, but 
too remiss in constantly seeking the riches and righte- 
ousness which comes by Christ Jesus. 

31. In some degree, I was a companion with those 
who are looking up for redemption in Israel. 



217 



Ninth Month, 1787. 

1. Great searchings of heart were attendant, in 
"the valley of the shadow of death." 

6. In the evening, signifying to our friend Debo- 
rah Townsend my intention and desire to have attend- 
ed her and companions to the evening meeting, she 
replied, Meeting is every where ; a plain saying, but 
faithful, and worthy of all acceptation ; according to 
that which is written, " Hear ye me, Asa, and all Ju- 
dah and Benjamin, the Lord is with you, while ye be 
with him ;" which gracious declaration was confirm- 
ed and enlarged by the Legislator of the new cove- 
nant, saying, " Lo ! I am with you always." 

8. The necessity of the new birth was set before 
me, and its consisting in the love of God ; according 
as it is written, " Thou shalt love the Lord thy God 
with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all 
thy mind, and with all thy strength." Men are na- 
turally lovers of their own selves, following after 
pride, covetousness, the lust of their eyes, and the 
pride of life ; and a final separation from those enjoy- 
ments seems likely to prove their torment to all eter* 
nity : may those tremendous sensations be averted by 
the blood of the everlasting covenant, which " speak- 
eth better things than that of Abel." This even- 
ing, about the sixth hour, departed my long ac- 
quainted friend and relative, J. Aliis, senr, the ac- 

U 



218 

quaintance and frequent companion of my juvenile 
years. 

13. Came from Tooley-street to Hartford. 

14. When the rebellious servant of the Lord 
u went down to the bottoms of the mountains ; the 
earth with her bars" seemed to inclose him for ever; 
and when the apostle Paul was supposed to have been 
overtaken by the avenger of blood, the Lord magnifi- 
ed his power in their deliverance. Arise, O Lord ! " I 
beseech thee," and the ark of thy strength ; subdue 
principalities and powers, " touch the mountains," 
that they may smoke, and cause the hills to flow down 
at thy presence, that tiv f thy salvation may 
cast all iniquity into the dt pths of the sea ; " far thine 
is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever" 
and ever. Amen. 

16. I went once more to the forenoon meeting at 
Hartford, in great weakness of body, and abased in spi- 
rit, like unto him who lifted not up his eyes to hea- 
ven, " but smote upon his breast." After I had sat a 
while I felt, or at least thought I felt, somewhat of the 
consolations which are in Christ Jesus ; and the 
goodwill of him who dwelt in the bush, when the bush 
burned and was not consumed, to be extended to those 
present; not only to the weak and depressed in spi- 
rit, but also to the stout-hearted, who were far from 
righteousness. A freedom, and a seeming impulse, 
seemed likewise to attend, to call all present to look 
to the Lord Jesus Christ, who trod "the wine press 
alone," who suffered for our sins without the gates of 



219 

Jerusalem, and who is the light and life within. I 
went after dinner to Hitchin, and attended the quar- 
terly meeting of ministers and eiders ; I experienced 
a degree of strength to be renewed both inwardly 
and outwardly : the meeting was large and solid ; M. 
P. had a lively allusion, in her testimony, to the men 
who formerly pressed through the host of the Philis- 
tines, to draw water from the well of Bethlehem : a 
sublime oriental narrative, replete with spiritual and 
mystical instructions in righteousness. 

17. I sat in the quarterly meeting at the outskirts, 
feut was in some degree a participant of that silence, 
which, as a canopy, seemed to cover that numerous as- 
sembly ; I seemed also to be favoured with some sense 
of that illimitable compassion, which causes the sun 
to shine on the just and the unjust, and the rain to de- 
scend on the righteous and the wicked. 

18. In the evening meeting at Baldock I was fa- 
voured with some sense of that love, which is stron- 
ger than death. Sarah Crawley only appeared in tes- 
timony. 

19. In the week-day meeting, Samuel Spavold 
having appeared in testimony, a few words were add- 
ed, concerning " the Captain of the Lord's host ; 53 
Christ Jesus, " the same yesterday, to-day, and for 
ever." 

23. Came in the afternoon from Hitchin to Hart- 
ford. 

26. In the evening, after the reading some religi- 
ous letters, I w T as suddenly recollected, with some 



220 

views towards Him, with whom nothing is impossi- 
ble ; by whom sometimes, when every refuge has 
failed, " the valley of Achor" becomes " a door of 
hope ;" and those gracious purposes brought to pass 
almost instantaneously, which have been unsuccess- 
fully sought for during the greatest part of a man's 
life. This remark may appear rather calvinistical ; 
but it is consistent with the analogy of faith, declara- 
tory of omnipotential benevolence, and untainted with 
the errors of John Calvin. 

29. I was exercised in striving against sin. This 
week I have heard a narrative of interesting and re- 
markable occurrences in the life of ******** ; contain- 
ing many stupendous displays of divine grace and pro- 
vidence, in his preservation from death and hell. The 
Lord " speaketh once, yea, twice, in a dream, in a vi- 
sion of the night ;" when men appear to be sleeping 
the sleep of death, he then sealeth those instructions 
which are the way to life ; but they rebel against 
Him. Our author being early favoured with convic- 
tions of sin, and incitements to religion and righteous- 
ness, erroneously supposed them to be the dictates 
of a natural conscience. If any thing inferior to the 
spirit of the Redeemer effectually reproves for sin, 
" satan is divided against himself:" it is only the spi- 
rit of Christ that " convinces the world of sin, of 
righteousness, and of judgment." Sound therefore, 
and consonant with the analysis of gospel faith, were 
the testimonies of George Fox and Robert Barclay, to 
the Lord Jesus Christ ; as "the light of life ;" and only 



221 

u true light, which lighteth every man that cometh 
into the world." 

30. In the forenoon meeting, various vague open- 
ings passed my mind in swift succession ; but I was 
preserved in silence, and not without some true tra- 
vail after the real substance, both for my myself, and 
on behalf of those present. Afterwards, divers ad- 
verse occurrences attended: I was wanting in pa- 
tience. 



Tenth Month, 1787. 

3. On the third of 10th month, 1754, 1 was married 
t® my dear wife, who has ever since been my faith- 
ful and constant companion : Almighty goodness has 
blessed us with a due proportion of " the fatness of 
the earth," and what is infinitely more valuable, with 
" the dew of heaven," and the knowledge of Christ : 
but satan has withstood us, and too greatly obstructed 
the fruit of that righteousness which is sown in peace. 
I attended the week-day meeting, which was small ^nd 
low. 

20, This week, in hearing read the experiences 
and records of some, who 1 believe were measurably 
partakers of the heavenly gift, much tenderness of 
spirit has been attendant, with an efflux of many 
tears ; but I fear those ebullitions have been of the 

flesh. 

US 



222 

28. At Hartford. I went to the forenoon meetinp 
as well as usual ; my mind was early impressed with 
a conviction of the inestimable advantages resulting 
from a continually seeking after that divine mercy, 
which we all so greatly stand in need of. 



From the Tenth Month 28th, to the Eleventh 
Month, 3d, 

I was almost wholly confined to my solitary cham- 
ber, by means of extreme weakness and want of 
breath : in respect to the state of my mind, I have 
been distressed, "but not in despair:" divers passa- 
ges of Scripture have at various times passed through 
my mind with a degree of freshness. I have been 
much preserved from petulance, with gratitude to my 
dear wife, for her tender and unremitting attentions. 
The Lord is a God that hideth himself; he passeth 
by, but we perceive him not ; he goeth by, but we ob- 
serve him not ; and he is often nearer to us than we 
are aware of; " for in him we live, and move, and have 
our being ;" to whom be glory and dominion, not only 
from cherubims and seraphims, but from the dust of 
Sion for ever. Amen. 

5. Whilst my wife was absent at monthly meeting, 
my desires were, that I might in my solitary cham- 
ber, be incessantly seeking the Lord ; that as a poor 

i 
■wandering sheep, 1 might at last be gathered " to 

the great Shepherd and Bishop of Souls," who laid 






223 

down his " life for the sheep." Manifold and dive - 
sifted are the sentiments even of pious and good men, 
concerning the nature of true faith in Christ ; but 
they all agree in this, that there is a faith in 
Him, which works by love, and that he is become 
" the author of eternal salvation, unto all them that 
obey him," May we follow after faithfulness to the 
internal documents and attractions of the spirit ; and 
if, in any respect, we may obtain mercy to be found 
faithful, may we ascribe it solely to his faithfulness, 
" who worketh in us both to will and to do of his good 
pleasure." 

8. A pretty peaceful day, attended with some de- 
sires after divine good, although in much feebleness: 
every good desire is of God, and ought to be received 
with thanksgiving. 

10. This week I have been low and weak in body 
and mind, but favoured with some researches after 
that divine mercy, which is adequate to the deepest 
misery. When I recollect how it hath been with me, 
since the Lord visited me by his grace, shewed me 
the vanity of the world, and drew me in spirit towards 
himself; I am astonished: "I lie down in shame, 
and confusion covers me." The most superlative 
blessing of divine light and life has not been withheld 
from me ; nor a sincere desire after the things which 
are the most excellent : I have likewise been favour- 
ed with a competent acquaintance with the Holy 
Scriptures, and the experiences of the pious in the-, 
former and the present age, Yet under these advan- 



224 

tages how have I gone astray as a wandering sheep ; 
in my supposed religious duties too frequently have I 
followed the sight of my eye, and the inclination of 
my own heart ; there has frequently been the beget- 
tings of a divine birth, but for want of steadfastly abid- 
ing in the divine light, mistakes have been multiplied, 
and I have been prevented from being so useful to my 
fellow men, as otherwise I might in many respects 
have been : but God is gracious and merciful, " for- 
giving iniquity, transgression, and sin," and " passeth 
by^the transgressions of the remnant of his heritage." 
" Though he slay me," may " I trust in him." 

11. I was weak both in body and mind. J. P. and 
his wife visiting us in the evening, some time was 
passed in retirement, and a cessation from words (a 
profitable exercise too unfrequent among us, for in 
.many words sin is seldom wanting); at first sitting 
down below stairs I was perplexed, but going up 
stairs I soon became more calm, and my mind was a 
little opened, concerning that prayer which is in and 
by the Spirit ; and that a sincere and earnest desire 
after it is in some degree a measure of the same, 
heard and accepted by Him, who " searcheth the 
heart, knoweth the mind of the Spirit," and maketh 
intercession in a language that cannot be uttered. 

1 3. In the forenoon I was favoured to contemplate 
the blessed estate of the numberless multitude, which 
John saw standing before the throne, clothed with 
white robes, and having palms in their hands : O ! 
may we witness, through great tribulations, our robes 



225 

washed and made white by " the blood of sprinkling, 
that speaketh better things than that of Abel." 

17. A low day, but pretty peaceful ; in the morn- 
ing I heard some chapters read in that mystical por- 
tion of Holy w r rit, entitled the Song of Solomon. 

18. Whilst my wife was gone to the forenoon 
meeting, I meditated on the gracious promises made 
to the wilderness and the solitary place, as recorded 
in Isaiah, chap. xxxv. verse 1. 

24. This week hath been spent pretty peaceably *, 
I hope with some increase of bodily strength, and re- 
ligious improvement. " Take thee again another 
roll." When I consider the Lord's dealings with me 
from my youth upwards, I am filled with astonishment, 
I see no end of his praise : being early brought out 
of a state of the greatest enmity, and favoured with 
some sense of the divine life, I became exceedingly 
zealous for the truths of Christianity ; particularly as 
held forth by the doctrine and discipline of the people 
called Quakers, according to their strictest form ; and 
was applauded by many of my fellow-creatures almost 
as a spotless character, and an example unto others. 
Whilst in a spirit of self-exaltation I was exclaiming, 
behold my zeal for the Lord of Hosts ! the cleansing 
of the inside of " the cup and platter" was too much 
neglected, and with the beam in my own eye, I be- 
came an eager observer and reprover of the motes 
in the eyes of my brethren: very uneven was my 
walk : may He who seeth not as man seeth, be mer- 
ciful. For the last thirty years of my life, I think 



226 

very few days have passed without repeated desires 
after the Lord, and the remembrance of his name, 
and that salvation which is by the grace of Christ : 
nevertheless, iniquities have still grievously prevail- 
ed against me. All my life I have been comparative- 
ly weak in body, but for the last three years the infir- 
mities of old age have come fast upon me, my flesh 
and my strength have failed, and I have been chiefly 
confined to my solitary chamber ; where at times I 
have sought with a degree of solicitude for religious 
improvement ; and that the afflictions of my flesh 
might through the operations and influences of that 
grace which saveth, be a means of producing " the 
peaceable fruits of righteousness :" but for want of 
constant watchfulness and walking in the divine light, 
in which only is the power, even there satan has in-* 
truded ; and I have fallen into many inconveniences. 
How great has been the long-suffering of the Lord 
towards me, and his unwearied forbearance ; who has 
followed me with his calls, and the reproofs of his 
spirit^ from early youth, as to the eleventh hour of 
the day, and the advanced periods of old age, not- 
withstanding my manifold revoltings from Him ; how 
justly might he in anger have withdrawn his loving- 
kindness, and bound me in chains of darkness " to 
the judgment of the great day ;" but I hope he hath 
not so dealt with me : His -^vays are not as the ways 
of men, who mark the failings of their fellow-creatures 
with a rigorous severity, and often exact from them 
the utmost farthing. Since the last severe attack of 



227 

disease on the 28th of last month, I hope some degree 
of spiritual exercise has been supported; and seme 
internal sensation of Him, who is invisible, experi- 
enced. May He, who only hath the power, rebuke the 
spoiler for his own name's sake ; that before I go 
hence, a further knowledge may be obtained of the 
Lord God and the Lamb, whom to know is life eter- 
nal. Amen. During the course of the present week, 
I have frequently meditated on various passages con- 
tained in the 3d chapter of the Lamentations of Jere- 
miah the prophet, which I judged suitable to my late 
and present state. Blessed be the Lord for the words 
which are written. 

25. In the evening I suffered compunction, because 
a degree of petulance prevailed ; when shall I be 
saved from the sin which so easily besets me, by the 
blood of the Lamb ? who on all occasions " committed 
himself to Him, that judgeth righteously." 



Twelfth Month, 1787. 

1. This day my soul sought for the preservation 
of prayer and peace, but satan was also at my right 
hand to resist me. In the evening I was agreeably 
affected in reading and meditating on the 40th chap- 
ter of Isaiah, a sublime portion of oriental or rather 
of sacred oratory ; bearing such evincing proofs of 
its Divine Original, as hath a strong tendency to con- 
firm the weak and trembling believer in the faith of 



228 

the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom he hath 
sent; and to correct the arrogance and futility of 
sceptical suspicions. I had frequently before read 
this chapter, without being so fully sensible of its pe- 
culiar excellence : the scripture of itself is dead, un- 
less inspired by the Lord, the spirit from whom it pro- 
ceeded, wich fresh light and unction. 

4. A Iow t day both in body and mind, and in dis- 
tress for not having been more obsequient to the mo- 
nitions of that wisdom and grace, which " is profitable 
to direct. 55 

6. This day I have been much afflicted with a 
difficulty in breathing, an awful sensation ; may my 
looking amidst my many and diversified calamities 
be to Him, in whose hand only is the breath of life. 

8. My mind was preserved for the most part of 
the day, in a good degree of calmness and serenity ; 
often remembering the gracious monition and decla- 
ration of the Lord Jesus to his immediate followers, 
" Ask, and it shall be given you : seek, and ye shall 
find : knoct, and it shall be opened unto you : for 
every one that asketh, receiveth ; he that sceketh, 
findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be ojk * A ed:" 
and now the Lord Jesus Christ is .»• on high, 

the power remains with him ; e a he promises 
are in him, yea, and Amen, for e? 

19. " Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Fa- 
ther which is In heaven is perfect," Mat. v. 48. " Be 
ye holy, for I am holy," 1 Pet. i. 16. I was sincerely 
desirous to perfect "holiness in the fear of God;" 



229 

difficulties and defects were not wanting, nevertheless, 
I hope some degree of victory was experienced, by and 
through Him, who, that he might sanctify his people, 
suffered for them without the gate. 

20. I came from Hartford to London pretty peace- 
ably, with an unexpected increase of bodily strength. 

23. I went to the Park meeting in trepidation of 
spirit, not having been in any place set apart for wor- 
ship since the 28th day of the Tenth month ; but I 
soon became measurably recollected by the revival of 
an apostolic injunction, " Draw nigh to God, and he 
will draw nigh to you : resist the devil, and he will 
flee from you." 

24. In the evening, I remembered the awful and 
stupendous preservations I have experienced from 
my youth to the present day ; which have been of 
God, and not of man : may my mind be impressed 
with a proper sense of them, for the few hours which 
remain. 

25. Being the day called Christmas day ; very dark 
and cloudy in respect to weather, but rather placid 
within ; for the most part of the day experiencing de- 
sires after the knowledge of the only true God, and 
Jesus Christ whom he hath sent ; neither was much 
condemnation attendant. 

29. During the present week I have not been 
without desires after that spiritual improvement which 
is by the grace of Christ ; but my dear wife having 
been for the most pan indisposed, anxieties have 

X 



230 

arisen, which have too much interrupted the fruits of 
that righteousness which are sown in peace. 

SO. Early in the Park meeting-house, the gracious 
promises to, and dealings with, the blind, the lame, 
the halt, and the maimed, became the subject of my 
meditation, as a seed sown in weakness ; according to 
the words which are written, viz. " I will oring the 
blind by a way that they knew not, I will lead them 
in paths that they have not known : I will make dark- 
ness light before them/' The lame shall leap as an 
hart, the tongue of the dumb shall sing, and in the 
wilderness streams shall bn;ak forth. Although the 
stream was small, I hope some increase of the waters 
was experienced. Afterwards a short and well con- 
nected testimony was delivered by our friend A. C. 
I hope a favoured season to myself and others. 

31. On the commencement of the present year, 
I adopted in sincerity the petition of Jabez, " Keep 
me from evil that it may not grieve me.' 5 I then little 
expected to have been in the body at the close of the 
year, but the works and wonders of the Almighty 
have .been marvellously displayed, both in mercy and 
judgment* and I iook upon my present state of exist- 
ence a miracle of mercy. On the 22d of the Tenth 
month " the king of terrors" seemed with irresistible 
power to invade my habitation, but for a season he 
was^repeiled ; during that part of the ensuing year 
ch may be allotted me, may my looking be con- 
tinually to Him, who hath the "keys of death and of 
hell," the Shepherd of Israel, who neither sleeps by 



231 

day, nor slumbers by night ; but who is God over all, 
blessed for ever, to whom be glory for ever. Amen. 



First Month, 1788. 

9. I set the Lord before me all the day long, that I 
might not offend against him. 

10. The reverse to yesterday, particularly in the 
latter part of the day ; I was wanting in patience. 

28. A distressed and disturbed night ; after an ab- 
sence of six months I found an inclination to attend 
once more the forenoon meeting at Hartford ; I went 
in much bowedness of spirit, but was enabled to sit 
until the close, not without some sense of the Lord, 
who healeth ; and who formerly commanded the peo- 
ple to be still, and know that he was God. 

30. I had more quiet and undisturbed repose than 
for many months past, and was measurably thankful 
for the benefit ; nevertheless, in the morning some 
unprofitable words were spoken ; afterwards a pretty 
quiet and peaceable day, attended with some search- 
ings of heart after Him, who " giveth his beloved 
sleep." 

31. This was a pretty -peaceable and satisfactory 
clay throughout. " If we walk in the light," as God is 
light, we have peace one with another; thanks to the 
Prince of Peace : " if He giveth quietness, who then 
<:an make trouble ?" and when He hideth his face, 



232 

who then can behold him ? whether it be done against 
a nation, or against a man only." 



Second Month, 1783. 

2. In the evening, these words were suggested, 
viz. Great is the power and goodness of God ; " for 
since the beginning of the world, men have not heard, 
nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen," 
" what he hath prepared for him, that waiteth for 
him." 

3. Was a day of disappointments and cross occur- 
rences, which were not endured with due patience 
nor acquiescence in His will, without whom not a 
sparrow falleth. If the Lord was set always before 
us, it would have a great tendency to smooth the rug- 
ged paths of human life, and to render us more pla- 
cid and agreeable to those with whom we may have 
to do. 

4. I attended the forenoon meeting with some de- 
gree of bodily strength, but with little sense of the 
spirit which quickens. 

13. I set out from Hartford in such debilitation, 
I seemed scarce likely to reach Tooley-street in the 
body ; but my life and strength were wonderfully pre- 
served by Him, who looseth the bands of death, and 
delivereth those who are ready to die. 

16. This day, part of the last words of David the 
son of Jesse were much in my remembrance, viz. 



^33 

" Although my house be not so with God ; yet he 
hath made with me an everlasting covenant, ordered 
in all things and sure : for this is all my salvation, 
and all my desire, although he make it not to grow/ 5 
The earthly tabernacle has been assailed with a long 
continued series of adversity ; and for want of walk- 
ing with a steady pace in the divine light of which I 
have long made a profession, my distressed spirit is 
far from that purity and perfection which is proposed 
by the gospel of Christ ; yet, at times, some sense is 
imparted of the virtue of an everlasting covenant, and 
some distillations of the mercies, which fail not, are 
experienced, which passes through the vail, by the 
everlasting arms which are underneath. 

22. I remembered the bush burned and was not 
consumed ; when the Lord, because of sin, renders 
his rebukes with flaming fire, there is still mercy with 
him, that he may be feared. 

23. This day I met with unusual provocations from 
some which were without i by means of them, I deviat- 
ed from the meekness of Christ Jesus, " who, when 
he was reviled, reviled not again ; when he suffered, 
he threatened not ; but committed himself to Him, 
that judgeth righteously." 

27. This day I was preserved in a tolerable degree 
of peace, under some sense of that sparirg and for- 
bearing mercy which fails not, and of that love which 
is stronger than death. 

X 2 



234 



Third Month, 178S. 

1. This week my bodily strength hath been much 
diminished; nevertheless, a remembrance of the bush 
that burned and was not consumed, hath at divers 
times with a degree of strength and consolation been 
impressed. " I will now turn aside,, and see this great 
sight, why the bush is not burned," saith the pro- 
phet formerly ; and undoubtedly he not only beheld 
with his bodily eyes that wonderful manifestation, but 
likewise understood the mystical and spiritual sig- 
nification of the same ; and its accomplishment by the 
great phophet, like unto him concerning whom it is 
written, u And a man shall be as an hiding place from 
the wind, and a covert from the tempest : as rivers of 
water in a dry place, as the shadow of a great rock in 
a weary land." " Oh ! may I be hid as under the sa- 
cred pavilion of his power, in the tremendous hour of 
inquisition for blood. Amen. 

8. Since I returned to Hartford my bodily strength 
has been measurably increased ; but unprofitable 
words have too frequently prevailed : "I am troubled, 
I am bowed down, I go mourning all the day long." 
They who boast themselves in a vain shew, and speak 
peace to themselves in their secret sins, shall surely 
be confounded in the day when the Lord shall sit in 
judgment, and make inquisition for the blood of his 
Son : when he shall rise up as in mount Perazim, and 
fce wroth as in the valley of Gibeon, and bring to pass 



235 

i his terrible act, who among the sons of pride shall 
stand before him ? 

21. On hearing my wife read a catalogue of the 
elders, who obtained a good report, as recorded in 
the 11th chapter of the Hebrews, the chapter imme- 
diately following, and the divine evangelical testi- 
mony on regeneration, delivered by our ancient friend 
William Dewsbury, on the new-birth, I became sud- 
denly affected with a sense of that faith, which is by 
the operation of God. For above fifty years I have 
been seeking after a death unto sin, and the life of 
righteousness ; but woe is me ! I still dwell in Mesech, 
am stationed in the tents of Kedar : O ! may this day 
be as the beginning of that birth which is from above ; 
for I have ever esteemed and still esteem myself a 
beginner in the way of the spirit ; and that the seed 
now sown in debilitation, even as a grain of mustard 
seed, may, by the irradiating emanations of the sun of 
righteousness, arise in dominion, until mortality is 
swallowed up of life, even so. Amen 

23. S. F. and J. C. were with us in the evening ; 
the young people read the narratives recorded, re- 
spectively, by the evangelists, concerning the resur- 
rection of the Lord Christ ; who died for our sins, and 
" became the first fruits of them that slept." 

27. I went with my wife to Lackington's, where I 
unexpectedly met with a late publication, entitled the 
Messiah, by John Newton; containing many pious 
sentiments, with a just censure of that vile and inso- 
lent mockery of the Father, the Son, and the sacred 



236 

writings, 9tiled the Oratorio. Although my eyes are 
now waxed dim, and my strength and flesh have fail- 
ed, yet I delight not only " in the law of God after the 
inward man, 55 but likewise in those words and letters 
which have in any degree proceeded therefrom ; yea, 
I seek them with a solicitude somewhat similar to 
that which the sons of this world seek for hidden 
treasures. The weakest and most trembling leaves 
of the tree of life are " for the healing of the na- 
tions. 5 * 

28. For two or three days past, my bodily strength 
has very undeservedly and unexpectedly been measu- 
rably increased -, I hope not without some increasing 
concern for an increase of that faith in Christ, which 
worketh by love, to the purification of the heart, the 
expiation of iniquity, and the washing the whole body 
of our affections by the blood of sprinkling. Lord, I 
would believe, " help thou mine unbelief; 55 thou only 
©anst do it, by the operation of thy grace, and the 
word of thy power ! 



Fourth Month, 1788* 

6. A day " of rebuke, of blasphemy, 55 and of tread- 
ing down in the valley of vision. My heart seemed 
filled with enmity ; but is there not One, who is able 
to destroy the enmity, and break down the wall of se- 
paration ? yea, verily there is ; he hath already done 
it in his own person without us, when the vail " was 



237 

rent in twain, from the top to the bottom," the dead 
were raised, the earth was shaken, and covered with 
darkness from the sixth to the ninth hour ; and He re- 
mains equally able to acheive these mighty acts by 
his power within us ; for power belongs to him ; and 
by whom shall it be said to the Almighty, what doest 
thou? In the evening I heard read some portions 
of the book of Job, very correspondent with my 
own afflicted state ; also some part of Newton's Mes- 
siah. 

7. This day was passed pretty peaceably, and not 
without some searchings of heart for the rending the 
vai), and removing the enmity ; by the power of an 
endless life, and " the blood of sprinkling, which 
speaketh better things than that of Abel. 3 * 

14. I once more sat under the roof of friends meet- 
ing house, near Devonshire-square, it being the quar- 
terly meeting there ; although my sitting was but 
short, I was not wholly destitute of some glances to- 
wards the Helper of Israel, and thankfulness for the 
unexpected favour of Him, whose " hand is stretch- 
ed out still," both in mercy and judgment : O may 
his mercies overspread his judgment-seat ! otherwise 
the most righteous among the sons of men must un- 
avoidably perish from before him. 

15. I was agreeably visited by John Miller, some 
time being spent in silence, with a sense oi the advan- 
tage and great benefit of internal recollection, and 
that prayer which is in the spirit ; though peradven- 
ture, through mental and corporeal weakness, it may 



238 

be maintained but for a short space ; yet it some- 
times leaves something of a supernatural savour, as 
it is written, " I rose up to open to my beloved," or I 
looked towards him, " but my beloved had withdrawn 
himself and was gone ; !> nevertheless, " my hands 
dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet- 
smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock." I af- 
terwards heard some other portions of that mystical 
song of songs, which was Solomon's. A peaceable 
day ; praise to the Preserver of men. 

21. A pretty peaceable and quiet day ; not passed 
without some seekings after divine favour, and that 
righteousness which is by faith, in the light and life 
of Christ Jesus. 

25. Friend B. visited us in the afternoon ; he 
spake many words, being mighty in the letter and 
form of godliness ; yet I am 'persuaded he is not des- 
titute of the spirit of that kingdom, which the Lord 
compared to the least of seeds which are sewn. 

26. Great weakness in the flesh ; in the spirit 
some desires after salvation by faith in Christ. 

27. I was in the outward room of the meeting- 
house, in the early part I remembered the prophetic 
call, " Seek ye the Lord while he may be found ;" the 
plain practical testimonies of Holy writ are oftener 
renewed in my mind, than such as may be esteemed 
more lofty and sublime ; though the latter are worthy 
of all acceptation, and despised by none but fools. M. 
P. had afterwards an acceptable time in testimony ; 
she recommended a daily perusal of the Scriptures, 



239 

^l practice in which many members in our Society 
arc grievously deficient ; pluming themselves on a 
profession of inward light and a partial conformity to 
certain religious and moral precepts ; whilst their 
spirits are light as chaff, and dead as a door nail, re- 
specting a real experience of that light and grace 
which saveth ; as it is written, " if the light (or pro- 
fession of the light) that is in thee be darkness, how 
great is that darkness." 

28. A warm day, and passed, I hope, not without 
some irradiations from the sun of righteousness. 



Fifth Month, 1788, 

3. This week I have been favoured with an un- 
expected increase of bodily strength, and a degree of 
that peace I have been so long seeking after. Reli- 
gious reading and recollection have not been wholly 
unattended to ; but a lion has been frequently in the 
way, and various interruptions have evinced the lean- 
ness of my spirit. From all I have seen in myself and 
fellow-men, both in respect to body and mind, it has 
plainly appeared that man is not in the state he was, 
when his Almighty Maker saw that every thing he 
had made was good ; but an enemy has been permit- 
ted to sow tares, and deface the beautiful image in 
which the creatures were formed : although I decline 
the epit! i of original sin, as not found in the bible, 
but first adopted in the ages of apostatical darkness ; 



240 

I am convinced, by an evidence which baffles all the 
power of argument, a that the whole creation groan- 
eth" in pain, under " the bondage of its corruption," 
and particularly that man is absolutely destitute of 
original rectitude, and prone to sin and misery, " as 
the sparks fly upward ;" having a natural aversion to 
the law which is light, and the commandment which 
is a lamp, his thoughts being evil continually; ac- 
cording to that which is "written, " by one man sin 
entered into the world, and death by sin ; and so death 
passeth upon all men, for that all have sinned." In 
the evening, some unnecessary words were spoken, 
which I was sorry for. 

4. I passed an hour in the forenoon meeting at 
Hartford, I remembered divers passages in holy writ, 
and particularly wrestling Jacob, and the princely 
prevalence of which he was made a partaker ; he 
wrestled not by any might or holiness of his own, but 
under the influence of him, whom the Father ever 
heareth, who was set up from everlasting. If in our 
assemblies there were more such wrestlers with the 
angel of the everlasting covenant, there would be more 
tremblers, and our practice would be more consonant 
with our profession : may this exercise increase and 
be multiplied among us. Amen. 

8. In the evening at the Park meeting ; the minis- 
try was low, but there seemed to be some solemnity 
and profit in silence. 

10. This week I have seemed to be sensibly soli- 
citous for that peace within and without, which I have 



241 

been so long seeking after, and sorry for my defi- 
ciencies in that respect. All boasting is justly ex- 
cluded ; we have nothing but what we have received : 
nevertheless, the following testimonies of holy writ 
are not annulled by the grace of the gospel, viz. " If 
thou dost not well, sin lieth at the door," Gen. iv. 7. 
u There is no peace saith my God to the wicked." 
Isaiah lvii. 21. " If ye love me, keep my command- 
ments," John xiv. 15. " Tribulation and anguish upon 
every soul of man that doth evil," Rom. ii. 9. These 
testimonies are not proposed, as they are by too many, 
to establish a covenant of works, or in the least to 
frustrate or detract from the grace of our Lord Jesus 
Christ, and that free unmerited salvation which is 
only by and through him ; but rather as a renewed 
check to antinomianism, and the vain efforts of those, 
who, forming an un scriptural distinction betwixt jus- 
tification and sanctification, would render the latter 
a work of supererogation ; make void that part of 
the analogy of faith and canons of Holy Scripture, 
by separating the truths which God hath joined toge- 
ther, by a decree as irrefragable as the everlasting 
mountains. 

24. I have divers times, both before 1 rose and 
on other parts of the day, expressed, internally, those 
words which are called the Lord's prayer, endeavour- 
ing to chew the cud on the important petitions pro- 
posed; remembering the declaration of the. pious 
Archbishop of Cambray, that whatever draws pur 
minds neprer fo Q^r] ;. ; , »~{\ / vl r 



242 

25. Some laborious exercise of spirit was expe- 
rienced at Devonshire-house, in the forenoon meet- 
ing. 

30. In the forenoon, after having heard some por- 
tions of the Holy Scriptures read, I was suddenly 
favoured with that sense of the internal presence of 
the Supreme Being, which imparts peace to the dis- 
tressed, and pardon to the poor, through the blood of 
the everlasting covenant. I coukl for a season adopt 
the prophetical language, the Lord is good unto them 
who wait upon him. 



Sixth Month, 1788. 

1. In the forenoon meeting at Hartford, I was re- 
peatedly assailed with heaviness, which was resisted: 
some internal labour towards the angel of the ever- 
lasting covenant was experienced ; various passages 
in Holy writ were presented, particularly the narra- 
tive of the men of David, who wrought so wondrously, 
because of their love and fidelity to the Lord's anoint- 
ed ; the angel of the everlasting covenant was their 
sword, their spear, and their battle axe. 

9. In the forenoon I was assailed by turbulence, 
but was measurably preserved from its baneful influ- 
ence ; not by any power or holiness of my own, but 
by the Angel of the everlasting covenant, who en- 
campeth around those who fear him, and in the hour 
of difficulty and danger look towards him, under a 



243 

deep sense of their own debility, either to do good, or 
resist evil. Upon the whole rather a favoured day ; 
thanks to the Preserver of men ! 

14. During the course of the last week, and for 
many preceding, I have had abundant cause to adopt 
the words of the preacher, viz. " Vanity of vanities, 
vanity of vanities — all is vanity." Only a few feeble 
feelings after Him, w r ho dwelleth in the light, to whom 
immortality only belongs, have been daily renewed in 
my spirit as a seed sown in weakness ; yea, as the 
least of all seeds is my only good ; but " the Lord 
God omnipotent reigneth." 

15. Rather a sabbaticaj forenoon ; I remembered 
the words which are written concerning the type, 
"the Lord blessed the sabbath day;' 5 the. evening 
was depressed and darksome. 

29. A quiet peaceable day. There is a comfort 
and satisfaction in conducting ourselves in a manner 
comporting with the dictates of the gospel, and those 
convictions which we suppose to be those of the truth 
in our consciences, that surpasseth knowledge, and 
abundantly excels the increase of corn, wine, or oil ; 
therefore as on the one hand, let none hope for final 
acceptation by their own works, or a bare external 
rectitude ; so on the other, let none suppose an inter- 
nal pursuit of purity perfection, to be low, legal, or 
unevangelical, inasmuch as He who suffered without 
the gate, sanctified himself for our sakes ; and " he 
that sanctifieth, and they who are sanctified, are all of 
One,* 



244 



Seventh Month, 1788. 

4. A comfortable, placid morning, my soul mea- 
surably participated the pleasures of peace and love. 

5. During the latter part of this week turbulence 
hath prevailed, more grievously than in many preced- 
ing months : these evils arise from the want of a due 
attention to the monitions of truth, viz. " Watch ye, 
and pray always :" u be vigilant, (or constantly watch- 
ful) because your adversary the devil, as a roaring 
lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." 
" Whosoever is born of God, doth not commit sin ; 
for his seed remaineth in him ; and he cannot sin, be- 
cause he is born of God." To them who abide in the 
seed in which the dominion is, and who walk in the 
light, there is no occasion of stumbling ; to them, the 
goings forth of Jehovah are prepared as the morning, 
and his returns as the former and the latter rain : but 
woe is me ! because of sin, I am cast out of his 
sight ; nevertheless^ I will look again towards his 
holy temple. 

6. At the forenoon meeting I repeatedly remem- 
bered these words, " It is of the Lord's mercies 
that we are not consumed :" I am a monument of his 
mercy. 

7. At the sitting before the monthly meeting, the 
words which are written, viz. " I will look again to- 
wards thy holy temple," were the subject of my me^ 
Citations. 



245 

8. Oae morning this week I went to sleep in 
much distress ; but instead of being terrified by 
dreams and scared through visions, I remembered the 
patriarch Jacob, who, pursuing his perilous journey 
from Beer-sheba towards Padan-aram, took the stones 
for his pillow in the night season, and beheld a ladder 
which reached from heaven to the earth. Waking, 
I was rather refreshed, and enlightened to look to- 
wards the God of Jacob, and of all the holy patriarchs 
and apostles, which have been since the world began. 
I have also been entertained and edified in the hear- 
ing of some discourses of John Arnt, and Anthony 
William Boehm, two enlightened ministers of Christ 
Jesus; who, avoiding the two erroneous extremes of 
calvinism and arminianism, principally insisted in their 
ministry on the fall of the first Adam and his wretch- 
ed posterity j and their recovery by the second Adam, 
the Lord from heaven, the quickening spirit, who? 
by the efficacy of his atoning blood and spiritual in- 
fluence, redeems from the law of sin and death ; ac- 
cording to that which is written, " By man came 
death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead ; 
for as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be 
made alive ." 

20. I sat in the forenoon meeting in much languor 
and distress of mind ; the lifelessness and formality 
of those assembled seemed to spread with a darkness 
that might indeed be felt : in vain do they pretend to 
worship the God and Father of light and spirits only 
in exterior forms and by the rudiments of men : my 

y a 



246 

eyes also aftected my heart, in the beholding the ex- 
terior gaiety and fantastical habits of many, whose 
countenances witnessed against them, and declared 
the iniquity of their hearts ; appearing in their out- 
ward forms more like unto the haughty daughters of 
Zion, than the disciples of a suffering Saviour, ga- 
thered together in his name, to worship the Father 
in the bowedness of their spirits. 



Eighth Month, 1788. 

2. In the evening, sitting at my own door, this tes- 
timony, although not literally contained in holy Scrip- 
ture, viz. that which is to be known of God is mani- 
fest in man, was impressed on my mind, together 
with the sufficiency of that divine anointing, which 
"is truth and is no lie." O ! may my mind for the 
few hours remaining closely attend on the light with- 
in ; that I may experience a daily application of the 
blood and merits of Him, in whom is life, and whose 
life is the light of men ; as it is written, " If we walk 
in the light," " the blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth 
us from all sin." 

5. Lord ! forgive my past petulance, and pre- 
serve from it for the future : if is the death of pray- 
er. 

6. A pretty peaceable and placid day, I hope 
passed in the fear of the Lord ; I was thankful for the 
favour 



247 

10. A low sitting in the outward room of the meet- 
ing-house i I was deeply distressed under a painful 
sense of the spiritual barrenness of those within, and 
my own demerits ; I hitherto remain a monument of 
sparing and forbearing mercy ; Lord, thou knowest 
how long ! 

13. Rather better in my health; reviewed the 
diaries of some former days, with desires that at the 
latest period of human life, f might experience that 
salvation which is by the grace of our Lord Jesus 
Christ. 

17. In some part of the forenoon my feelings were 
after Him, who can " save by many or by few J M with 
whom one day is as a thousand years, respecting the 
operations of his power. 

18. I once more left my house at Hartford: after 
I got out of the town, I was enabled to look to the 
Lord and was enlightened ; his sanctuary is the salva- 
tion of Zion ; he can bring through great desolation ; 
he is an only safe hiding place for the poor, and re- 
fuge from the storms of the terrible : praises await 
him in the dust of Zion. I reached London much 
better than I left Hartford. 

20. I can feelingly subscribe to the declarations 
of the Messiah, viz. " That servant which knew his 
Lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did ac- 
cording to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes :" 
these stripes I have sustained from my youth. The 
Lord is righteous altogether, and will not suffer sin 
to go unpunished ; he will bring every secret work 



248 

into judgment ; but the mercy seat covers his judg- , 
ments. Therefore O Lord, merciful and just ! cast 
our iniquities as into the depths of the sea ; redeem 
the prisoner from the pit, and those who are bound in 
chains of affliction and iron, from the prison house ; 
raise " the poor out of the dust, and lift up the beg- 
gar from the dunghill," to " inherit the throne of 
glory ;" that with those who have been redeemed out 
of great tribulations and washed their garments in the 
blood of the Lamb, I may behold thy beauty, and ce- 
lebrate thy praise for ever. Amen. 

22. On the whole a pretty easy and comfortable 
day : was visited by one who professed much sympa- 
thy with the afflicted in body or mind ; a declaration 
easily delivered, but only experienced by such who are 
buried by baptism into the death of Him, who suffer- 
ed, " the just for the unjust." 

29. This afternoon I had a conference with a friend 
concerning various persons. When we observe any 
degree of malignity in those with whom we converse,, 
it is necessary carefully to attend the movements of 
our own spirits, lest something of the same nature 
should arise in ourselves : hasty replies gender to 
bondage, and prove as galling wounds to a soul awak- 
ened to a sense of its own demerits. That charity 
which is from above edifies, and preserves in perfect 
peace ; but unless the Shepherd of Israel is a wall of 
fire on the right hand and on the left, we are as easily 
overcome with the evil propensities of our natures, as 
the reeds are shaken with the wind. 






249 

'30. There has been painfully felt, a deficiency in 
that peaceful acquiescence in the disposals of Infinite 
Wisdom, whereby the true believers in Christ, and 
faithful followers of the Lamb, withersoever he leads, 
are enabled to glorify God in the fires, and even to 
rejoice in their tribulations : but alas, how far am I 
from this. O Thou ! to whom the power only be- 
longs, arise for my help, and scatter the remains of 
that which is of the earth — earthy ; and beget a life 
which may live with thee for ever : thine is the king- 
dom, power and glory, everlastingly, Amen. 



Ninth Month, 1788. 

3. By reason of an undeserved provocation from a 
person who I had esteemed in her station, turbulence 
and wrath was too prevalent ; whereby I suffered both 
in body and mind : I do not know I expressed any 
thing but a just reprehension of the evil by which I 
was offended, if it had been in a peaceful mind, and 
" the meekness of wisdom :** Christians ought to be 
redeemed not only from " envy and evil speaking," 
but that internal wrath and clamour of spirit, which is 
prohibited by the gospel. 

6. My spasmodic complaints have been abated : 
but a tremendous inquiry attends, viz. what have I 
rendered to the Lord for all his benefits, both corpo- 
real and mental ? multiplied more than the hairs of my 
head : instead of the voice of melody, there ha& 



25a 

been a cry, because of the oppression of the true 
seed. 

8. I was, through the course of the day, concern- 
ed to render to the Lord for his multiplied mercies, 
by seeking after the cup of his salvation ; I sought to 
be preserved in peace, by " the God of peace ;" of whom 
are the issues from death : " his name is holy through- 
out all generations ;" praises wait for him in Zion ; 
to him shall the vow be performed. 

9. A pretty peaceable and quiet day ; seeking to 
perform my vows, and feeling after power for that pur- 
pose, for the power belongs to God only ; in our fieah 
there dwelleth neither strength nor power. 

10. About noon I set out for Hartford, dined at 
Waltham-Cross, and reached Hartford much better 
than I expected. The kindness of my friends and 
neighbours were liberally conferred, on my return 
once more amongst them. 

23. In the evening this petition filled my spirit, 
viz. " O Thou preserver of men ; thou saviour of Is- 
rael in time of trouble ; be thou graciously with 
me through this night's life or death ! My request 
was answered in the multitude of the Lord's mer- 
cies. 

26. I received a little degree of strength, though 
comparatively not bigger than a man's hand, to look 
towards Him, " who quickeneth the dead, and call- 
eth those things which be not, as though they 
were." 



251 

27. Before 1 rose, I remembered with a degree of 
freshness, a gracious declaration in the evangelical 
prophet, viz. " The Lord God hath given me the 
tongue of the learned, that I should know how to 
speak a word in season to him that is weary ; he awak- 
eneth morning by morning : he wakeneth mine ear to 
hear as the learned," " neither turned I away back." 
Our happiness arises from not turning away from 
the aw r akenings of Him, who speaketh not as man 
speaketh ; but whose voice is altogether lovely. A 
pretty quiet day, passed in a sense of my manifold 
desolations, and some desires after the grace which 
saveth. 



Tenth Mouth, 1788. 

4. Grievous visions have been before me, of a fi- 
nal separation from the beatific vision of the Lamb, 
who dwells in the midst of the throne ; but let the 
Judge of all the earth deal with me as he may see 
meet; I have only to lay my hand upon my mouth, for 
he is righteous altogether. In respect to my fellow 
men, unrighteousness hath not been in my heart, nor 
iniquity in my hands ; I have sought no increase of 
the unrighteous mammon, but have been rather de- 
sirous that many might be partakers of the benefit: 
bulky and ostentatious donations have been declined, 
rather from the persuasion of humility than avarice : 



252 

verily, these righteousnesses have their reward; bnt 
in respect to a final acceptation with the Supreme 
Being, they ought only to be esteemed as filthy rags : 
our dependance ought only to be on " the blood of the 
everlasting covenant," and interior operations of the 
spirit that worketh in us, both to will and to do, ac- 
cording to his own good pleasure. 

7. For some days past, in much pain of body and 
debilitation of spirit, I have been through grace en- 
abled to look to Him, who is " the repairer of the 
breach^the restorer of paths ;" and only able to des- 
troy the enmity, and break down the wall of partition, 
by the blood of his cross. The cross of Christ ought 
to be considered not distinctively, but rather adjunc- 
tively, with respect to his sufferings and blood-shed- 
ding on the tree of the cross without the gates of Je- 
rusalem ; when he suffered, the just for the unjust, and 
the operations of his light, grace and spirit within us, 
by which it only effectually becomes " the power of 
God unto salvation." 

11. It is in my heart to leave behind me a testimo- 
ny to the truth. In my youth, when dead in trespas- 
ses and sins, and walking according to the course of 
this world, although in my infancy educated in an es- 
teem of those precious testimonies borne by George 
Fox, and his fellow-labourers, to plainness of dress and 
address, I contemned them in my heart, and departed 
from them in practice. When I was awakened to a 
sense of my lost and miserable estate without a Sa- 
vour. I embraced them with all acceptation in their 



25^ 

strictest forms, and have not since deviated from them, 
either in sentiment or practice, not for an hour : they 
are of God, and will be established in the earth, when 
" the crown of pride" shall be cast down, and the 
glory of all flesh abased. Nevertheless, let none, who 
by the influence of education, or any other means, in- 
variably adhere to them, glory in, or value themselves 
upon a bare exterior conformity to these truths ; while 
the inner man of their heart is full of pride, self 
preference, and ravening after the unrighteous mam- 
mon. 

13. This morning, that gracious annunciation of 
Jehovah was illustrated in my view, viz. " Let the wil- 
derness and the cities thereof lift up their voice, the 
villages that Keder doth inhabit." I attended at the 
quarterly meeting at Devonshire House ; I was thank- 
ful for the favour : our worthy friend G. D. and others, 
had acceptable testimonies. After dinner, by the pro- 
voking conduct of some, who would have been by men 
esteemed my inferiors, and to whom 1 had behaved 
with a parental tenderness and affection, passion pre- 
vailed; and I suffered for my sin. Lord ! who can bear 
the unkindness and ingratitude of their fellow crea- 
tures ? none but those who are armed with the same 
mind which was in Christ Jesus, " who, w r hen he was 
reviled, reviled not again ; and when he suffered, he 
threatened not :" but committed his cause to Him, 
that judgeth righteously. Our great Master, and 
only perfect Exemplar, conversed with such publicans 

and sinners as the self-exalted Pharisees despised ; 

Z 



254 

yea, he ate and drank with them, and shall such as 
we are justify ourselves, and despise others, because 
of some exterior evils from which we may suppose 
ourselves clear ? I verily believe self preference, and 
the despising of others, are as detestable as more open 
immoralities, in the sight of Him, who seeth not as 
man ; but who searcheth the heart, and in his own time 
will make inquisition for secret sins. 

14. This day was passed in deploring my own de- 
fects, and distance from the mark. 

16. In the evening I received my common-place 
book, containing select passages of the Old and New 
Testament, accurately performed by J. C. In the 
selection of them I was wonderfully favoured, consi- 
dering my debilitated state of body and mind ; may 
their testimonies prove as watch-words to the weary, 
and my instruction in righteousness. 

19. Opening my bible accidentally on the xxxtK 
of Jeremiah, I perused the gracious promises contain- 
ed therein, with some savour and spiritual applica- 
tion. A quiet and peaceable day, with some interna! 
longings after the Saviour of Zion, who turneth her 
captivity "as the streams in the south. " 

20. Favoured with an unexpected increase of bo 
dily strength. May I, by the grace of God, be en- 
abled to lay aside all malice and envy. Lord! teach 
me to love my enemies, persecutors, and those who 
have contemptuously treated me ; " thine is the king- 
dom, the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen/' 



255 

Upon the whole the day passed without much con- 
demnation. 

21. In the evening we were acceptably visited 
by our esteemed friends G. D. M. G. and S. R. : dur- 
ing a testimony delivered by G. D. and a considera- 
ble space of silence ; seeking after recollection of 
spirit, and adherence to the great Teacher, I remem- 
bered the testimony of that deep traveller in the in- 
terior walk, Michael de Molinos, viz. " That the spi- 
rit of prayer might be supported, amidst a vast varie- 
ty of adverse and contrary cogitations, as the desires 
of the heart are lifted up to Him, who knoweth the 
mind of the spirit." So in internal recollection, the 
soul, though driven about as with fierce winds, like 
unto the iron attracted by the magnet, returns to the 
centre ; and an acceptable sacrifice from " a people 
whose land the rivers have spoiled," is brought to the 
Lord of Hosts in Mount Zion. 

24. How absurd it is to be discomposed at what 
we may esteem unkind treatment from our fellow- 
creatures, whose mistakes we ought to overlook, and 
to forgive, even as we would be forgiven ; which 
is one part of what is called the golden rule; 
even to do by others, as we would they should do by 
us. None of the sons of fallen Adam can attain here- 
to, only by the prevalence of Him, who " is able to 
subdue all things unto himself," and to bring every 
emotion of the mind into captivity to Christ. 

25. I was with E. Millis at Martin's le Grand, and 
reviewed the ground on which I was early favoured 



256 

With a sense of the divine presence. O ! that I had 
been faithful to the religious monitions which were 
then imparted ; then would my peace have been as 
a river, and the righteousness of Christ within me 
*< as the waves of the sea." Indeed my mind has 
been, since, almost daily exercised in seeking after 
the Lord ; and I hope, in various instances, my 
concern has been for the good of my fellow crea- 
tures. 

31. I set out once more for my residence at Hart- 
ford, with some affiance on the Shepherd of Israel, 
who neither slumbers nor sleeps ; but whose merci- 
ful eye guideth "the poor of the flock," and shineth 
on the seed of Jacob from between the cherubims. I 
was strengthened on my journey, reached home in a 
degree of competent strength, found my friends and 
assistants in health, and received fresh instances of 
their fidelity and attention. " What shall I render 
to the Lord for all his benefits" and mercies multipli- 
ed more than the sand ? May I be enabled with due 
resignation to receive the cup he may be pleased to 
hand forth, either in mercy or judgment ; to "give 
unto the Lord the glory due unto his name," and to 
worship him in the beauty of holiness : I am not wor- 
thy of the least of his mercies; righteousness belongs 
to him, but to me there only belongs blushing and 
confusion of face. 



257 



Eleventh Month, 17S6. 

1 . This week I have been in a state of distress and 
anxiety. Some have in their hearts imagined evil 
things against me, and with their tongues they have 
uttered mistakes : Lord ! enable me from my heart tc 
forgive them, even as I would be forgiven by thee, to. 
whom I am indebted in more than ten thousand times 
" ten thousand talents ;" and in a particular manner 
an individual, by whom I have been treated with great 
ingratitude and contempt : I know that to me, as a son 
of fallen Adam, this is impossible ; but all things are 
possible with thee, the work is thine, and the power 
is thine ; in this particular, may thy own works praise 
thee in time and eternity. Amen. 

2. A quiet and peaceable day ; thanks to the 
" Prince of Peace," who is our peace, and from whom 
only our peace proceeds ; according to that which is 
written, " Peace I leave with you, my peace I give 
unto you." 

4. In the evening I was much tendered in spirit, 
by hearing my wife read the stupendous account 
of our blessed Redeemer's raising Lazarus from the 
dead. 

5. My nephew W. P. D. assisted me in the pen- 
manship of a sympathetic epistle to my esteemed 
friend S. R, on account of the decease of her compa- 
nion Mary Gurney ; a loss justly to be deplored by the 

church militant in general, and her in particular, Our 

Z2 



253 

deceased friend was one of them concerning whom 
the Spirit formerly declared, " that the righteous is 
taken away from the evil to come ;" for whom there 
is no cause to sorrow, as those who are without hope ; 
inasmuch as they have an everlasting interest in the 
hope of their glory, and are uninterruptedly entered 
into that rest, which remains for the people of God. 
In the evening my mind was in a placid state, feel- 
ing forgiveness for others, with some hope of being 
forgiven myself. 

6. This day I was measurably preserved under 
some sense of " the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh 
better things than that of Abel ;" expiating for shv 
and purging from it. In the evening, contemplating 
on the various divisions of professed Christians, their 
attachment to their own principles and practices, and 
prejudices against others, a faithful testimony to Him, 
who " teachcth the way of God truly," was renewed 
in my remembrance with life and freshness, viz. " To 
whom shall we go ? for Thou" only, " hast the words 
of eternal life." 

8. This week, I hope, some increase has been at- 
tained in the forgiveness of such, by whom I may 
have supposed myself evilly entreated ; a disposition 
encumbent on those, who themselves are "in jeopar- 
dy every hour," and who stand in need of forgiveness 
from the Judge of men and angels ; it having been de- 
clared by the lip of Truth, that if we forgive not men 
their trespasses, our heavenly Father will not forgive 
us our trespasses. 



259 

9. Some things in my conduct are now likely t<5 
be exposed to those who are already prejudiced against 
me : being for a short time dismayed at the unpleas- 
ing prospect, chese words were with power brought 
to my remembrance, viz. but " I say unto you, my 
friends, be not afraid of them that kill the body,and af- 
ter hat have no more that they can do ; but I wilr fore- 
warn you whom you shall fear : fear Him, which, after 
he hath killed, hath power to cast into hell ; yea, I say 
unto you, fear Him.' 5 We ought indeed to walk as 
becomes the gospel, and to " shew out of a good con- 
versation our works with meekness of wisdom :" but 
the approbation of our fellow men, their praise, or 
their censure, is lighter than chaff, when placed in the 
balance with those mercies, forgivenesses, and righte- 
ousnesses, which are in Christ Jesus, 

11. In the evening, the following passages in the 
second Lecture of the 4th volume of Hunter's Sacred 
Biography, seemed attended with light and unction, 
viz. " But is it possible to remove from God an instant 
of time, a hair's breadth of space ! No : God is about 
our path, and our bed, watching our going out and 
coming in, our lying down and rising up. God is in 
this place ; and, were our eyes opened, we should even 
now behold his face clothed with the frowns of just 
displeasure, or beaming with the smiles of paternal 
love. As the awfulness and solemnity of the pro- 
phet's condition are not peculiar to him, and to that 
important occasion, so neither are the privileges 
which he enjoyed, nor the communion to which he 



260 

was admitted. Christian, you have but to retire into 
your closet, and to shut the door after you, and you 
are immediately on the top of a higher mountain than 
Moses climbed ; and near to God, as he was in the 
most precious moments of the most intimate commu- 
nication. Alone, or in company, we have access at all 
times to the throne of grace ; and we have what gave 
him safety and confidence in drawing nigh unto God, 
an advocate with the Father, a great High Priest, a 
Mediator betwixt God and us." 

14. Although from my youth up to the present day, 
I have been proved at Massah, and striven with, as at 
the waters of Meribah ; yet have I not sanctified the 
Lord, neither in spirit nor practice, so fully as I 
bughttohave done. Nevertheless, my wife reading 
in the evening Hunter's Lecture concerning the death 
of Aaron, I was favoured with some distant views to- 
wards that land which is " on the other side of Jordan." 

15. During the preceding week, I hope at times 
some victory has been experienced ; but a great short- 
ness in that peace and perfection which is by Christ 
Jesus has also attended. 

16. In the evening my wife read some pious me- 
ditations and addresses to the Supreme Being ; I was 
tnore easy in body and placid in mind, than on the pre- 
ceding evening. 

17. Respecting the spirit of prayer, Perdidi Diem. 
Lord, let thy mercy be great, and pardon ! 



S0ME 

MEMOIRS 

OF 

THE LAST ILLNESS OF JOHN SCOTT. 

JOHN SGOTT was favoured with strength of body 
and an active and vigorous mind : he was esteemed 
regular and moral in his conduct, and extensive in his 
knowledge, being remarkably diligent and attentive in 
promoting works of public utility ; in assisting indivi- 
duals in cases of difficulty ; and in the conciliation of 
differences. His removal hence is generally lamented 
by his neighbours, both in superior and inferior sta- 
tions. Notwithstan ding those qualifications, there is 
reason to believe he frequently experienced the con- 
victions of the Spirit of Truth for not faithfully follow- 
ing the Lord, and adhering to the Cross of Christ; by 
which true believers are crucified to the world, and 
the world to them. 

During the yearly meeting at London in the year 
1783, he attended many of the meetings for worship, 
and appeared to be more religiously concerned than 
for some years preceding. 

On the 1st of the 1 2 th month he was seized with a fe- 
ver, and expecting it would prove fatal, he was great- 
ly humbled in spirit, saying to his wife, that his father* 
was a good man, and he believed was gone to heaven, 
expressing a sense of the happiness of the righteous 
in futurity ; but being convinced of his own low and un- 
prepared state, he said, he himself was unworthy of 
the lowest place in the heavenly mansions, but hoped he 



262 

should not be a companion of accursed and wrathful 
spirits. 

In the early part of his illness he discoursed with 
his wife concerning some outward affairs, particularly 
desiring that his only and beloved daughter might be 
brought up among friends. 

Notwithstanding the severity of the distemper, he 
was favoured with a clear and unimpaired understand- 
ing, and the exercise of his spirit seemed to be almost 
continual for peace and reconciliation with his Maker ; 
having a hope, that if it should please the Lord to 
spare him, he should become a new man ; but in much 
diffidence he expressed a fear, lest the old things 
should again prevail : he also said to the person who 
attended him, " that he had been too proud." But it is 
well known, that his behaviour to his inferiors was the 
reverse ; for to them he was remarkably easy of access. 

Speaking frequently of his brother, and expressing 
a desire to see him, on the 9th of the 12th month a 
special messenger was sent to Hartford from Ratcliff, 
requesting his attendance there. His brother, on being 
informed next morning by letter of his continued soli- 
citude to see him, and him only, reached his house at 
Ratcliff about four that afternoon. Being introduced 
to his bed-side, on asking him how he did, he answered, 
u Very bad ; I wanted to see thee, and if thee had come 
sooner, I had a great deal to say to thee, but I fear now 
I cannot." What afterwards passed between them 
was as follows : After a short space of silence, John 
Scott begun to speak with a voice full of power. " I 
wanted to see thee, to tell thee, that I have nothing to 



263 

trust to but the blessed Jesus, and that if I die, 1 do 
not die an unbeliever. If I die, I die a believer, and 
have nothing to trust to but mere unmerited mercy. " 
Finding him brought down as from the " clefts of the 
rocks, and the heights of the hills, into the valley of 
deep humiliation," his brother rejoiced in spirit, and 
spake comfortably to him. Expressing the deeply hu- 
miliating views he frequently had of his own state, J. 
Scott replied, " O ! if it is so with thee, how must it be 
with me, who have been the chief of sinners ?" The 
insufficiency of self-righteousness being mentioned, 
Oh ! said he, with great earnestness, " Righteousness ! 
I have no righteousness, nor any thing to trust to, but 
the blessed Jesus and his merits." Pausing a while, 
he proceeded, " There is something within me which 
keeps me from despairing. I dare not despair, although 
I have as much reason to despair as any one ; were it 
not for him who shewed mercy to the thief upon the 
cross. The thief upon the cross, and Peter who deni- 
ed his Master, are much before me." Being advised to 
trust in the Lord, he replied, " I have none else to 
trust in." " Oh ! said he, the Saviour, He is the Way, 
and there is no other ; I now see there is* no other. Oh 
the Saviour i I have done too much against him ; and 
if I live, I hope I shall be able to let the world know it, 
and that in many respects my mind is altered. But I 
dare not make resolutions." His brother mentioning 
former times, and the days of his youth, in which they 
frequently conversed about, and were both clearly con- 
vinced of, the necessity of inward and experimental 
piety, he answered, " I was then very deficient ; but I 



264 

have since been much more shaken." Visiting 
sick in a formal customary manner being represented 
as unprofitable, he replied, « Oh! it is not a time to be 
solicitous about forms ! Here is a scene indeed, enough 
to bring down the grandeur of many, if they could see 
it. I buoyed myself up with the hope of many days." 
Recommending him to the great object Christ with- 
in, the hope of glory, to which his mind was measura- 
bly turned, his brother seemed to withdraw ; on which 
he clasped his hand, and took a solemn farewell. 

He continued in mutability about two days longer, 
altogether in a calm and rational state. About twelve 
hours before his decease his speech much faulter^d ; 
but by some broken expressions it appeared that the 
religious concern of his mind was continued. 

On the 12th day of the 12th month 1783, he departed 
this life, in remarkable quietness, without sigh or groan, 
and was buried in friends burying-ground at Ratcliff 
on the 18th, being nearly 54 years of age. 

The publication of these Memoirs proceeds not from 
partiality to our deceased friend : they are preserved 
as a word of reproof to the careless, and of comfort to 
the mourners' in Sion. 

May none in a day of health and prosperity reject 
the visitations of His Divine Grace and Favour ; who 
hath declared, that " His Spirit shall not always strive 
with man, for that he also is flesh." Nor, on the other 
hand, may the penitent, and truly awakened, at any j 
time despair of that mercy and forgiveness, which the 
Lord hath promised to them who sincerely repent ! 



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